Happy Birthday Janey!

Yesterday was Janey's 2nd birthday party. It was great fun and I must admit my first doll cake was a success! (She had a small incident with a coffee table two days before her party that gave her the black eyes!)

Internet drama at home...

Horror of horrors, my wireless internet connection at home was down last night. Normally I would have tinkered with it then but seeing as it would have involved me staying awake past 8pm and getting up off the couch, I passed on it. So my planned posting was delayed a day…
Yesterday was the first birthday we have had without you here. What a strange thing it was. Since we all have birthdays within a month of each other, we always celebrated them together. We only celebrated Neall’s this weekend—we figured we could go ahead and spread them out, why not? Grandma Jackson got to come down and finally see Neall and Becca’s new house—with her dining room table in place, of course!! It was so strange being there without you flitting around being so silly and singing. You would be so proud of him now. He’s so grown up! We always giggled at Daddy when he got his “phone voice” at home. When someone from work called, he turned about two octaves lower and answered “this is Richard Jackson”. I half expected Neall to do the same when one of his patients called while he was opening presents. Somewhere along the way, this little kid with a flat top turned into such a grown-up and I can’t wait to see what a great uncle he is going to be.

TGIF

I would love to say that the entire week has been spent with me being so incredibly busy that I simply had no time for anything else, but that would only be a lie. I have done nothing. But sleep. I sleep a lot. The routine this week was to go home and take a catnap—about two hours—and then get up when John brought me dinner. I would stay up for a short while and then go back to sleep about 9. Seriously—not only is this baby sucking my energy but also my common sense that it is normal for anyone to sleep this much. I told John that when the baby comes and I never get to sleep again, I am going to be so out of sorts since my routine is simply shot now.

A friend’s brother got married last Friday night so I hurried to Wynne after work. Anytime before, you would have gone with me. Showers? Weddings? Birthday parties? Of course I will be there—my standby date is waiting in Wynne. She will even pick up the gift for me at Caldwell’s or Rose of Sharon before I get there. It dawned on me about Wednesday that I had no one to go with to this wedding and going alone was just not going to work. John Burton would have cut off the tip of his finger before he went to a wedding! Luckily, Neall and Becca were going so I tagged along with them. She even picked up my gift for me! Even though things here aren’t going exactly as they should be and things are not right at all and may never be right ever again, I am pretty lucky to have the family that I do have.

How stupid am I that it took so long to realize it? More,

Sunflower

My sunflowers are blooming! They are really blooming!! My yard gets so very much sun that I really can't grow much without it wilting. I even lost some Gerber daisies because of the sun but the sunflowers are doing great. In college, I loved sunflowers and had my kitchen decked out in them. Daddy grew sunflowers for me that summer and you took a photo and framed it of them for me and gave it to me for my birthday. {I hope I am half as good as you were about getting the best and most special thing for every occasion.} I will have to frame this one to go with that photo to keep around. My first homegrown sunflower! How exciting!

Meaningless Reporting...

I would love to tell you all the fabulous things going on right now but as of now, there are none. You see, it is really hard to get fabulous things done when you are going to sleep between 730 and 800 each night. Last night, John told me that he hadn't been to bed at 8 since he was six and it really meant a lot to him to stay up until dark. Wow. How sad is that??

We had a relatively calm weekend. Daddy, Neall and Becca came up to visit on Saturday. We went to lunch and then looked at mattresses. Yet again, how exciting am I? I can't believe more folks don't visit even more often!!!!!!!!!

More,

Monday all over again...

John was off all last week on vacation. I must say that it would be a fabulous and wonderful thing to have him home all the time. There was no whining as he got ready for work, I came home to meals ready to eat and he did all the housework. Literally!!! I have felt oh so very bad lately and every night after I went to bed at 730 or 800, he would come in to check on me and bring me something to drink and snack on while I mentally focused on making the room stop spinning. He was in a fabulous mood as well (maybe because I was going to bed at 730 or 800 and he had the house to himself again?) so everything was just peachy. Yesterday, he realized he had to go back to work today but he did a good job of keeping his new composure going for a while longer.

Daddy and I went to visit Grandma on Saturday--she looked better than she has in years, I think. It was good to see her so well colored and smiling. You always said how she would just stare at me and say how precious I was. Ah... no wonder I am so fond of her. So Saturday, she would just look at me and grin, "so you are really pregnant??" Yep. If I had found Saturday what I found this morning, I could have shown her and she'd have known for sure. There is certainly something there today! Today the little bugger decided to make his/her presence known. It's not big and you can't see it, but you can feel the firm little something in my tummy. After I discovered it, I just sat down and cried. I am crying now just thinking of it--of course I keep having to touch it. You always said Neall was going to be flat on one side from you holding me the entire time you were pregnant with him--this one is going to be flat on one side from me touching my belly all day to make sure that the bump is still really there!!! Oh so happy!!! More,

Nine Weeks...

Yesterday I had my nine weeks doctor appointment and Doc said that everything was going good. Next time we get to hear the heartbeat!!

Final Report on the Trip

When we were younger, we went to Gulf Shores fairly often. I told my group about the twins from Georgia that I pen-palled with after each vacation since we were always there at the same time and I wondered if they would be here this year. I didn’t see them. :)

On Sunday afternoon, Tara and I drove back to Foley to the outlet mall. On the way home, of course, we talked about you some, because there will never be a better power shopper than you! She asked if I wanted to drive out to the house that you and Daddy stayed in last January but I didn’t think I could do it. Just being there and thinking of how you loved the water and the beach was enough to keep you on my mind but to go out there where there were so many fabulous memories of not just you and Daddy but of you and the girls would have just been too much.

Monday was a day of beach bumming. I walked over to Sea-n-Suds to get us lunch. It always makes me giggle to think of me just not “getting” what the suds were! I had a t-shirt from there and never understood why you wouldn’t let me where it to Sunday night youth group at the Wynne Baptist Church. I have always been a little slow on the take, I suppose. That night there was a fireworks display in Orange Beach so I was up late (past my usual 9pm bedtime these days!) watching that. There are always two stories that I tell when fireworks are near. The first one is the in July of 1978 and Wynne used to do the fireworks downtown. Uncle Elliot actually did them, I think, since he was the fire chief. You were pregnant with Neall and Daddy was holding me. The noise scared me, I have always been a wimpy kid, and I pounded on Daddy’s chest, “get me home! get me home!” Now, this is my mantra when I am ready to leave any where. The other story is when you and Daddy had just bought the Nissan Maxima. It was the one that talked and would say “the door is ajar” when it wasn’t shut. Neall and I would just laugh and laugh, “No, it’s not! It’s a door, not a jar!” So, as we were shooting Roman candles off the front porch, one went astray and started landing on your new car! Daddy, frantic at the thought of damage to his new car, ran over and lay across the hood so that it wouldn’t be harmed.

All in all, the trip was a wonderful, memory filled trip and I wish you were here for me to call and tell you all about it, More,

Point us towards the water...

We left last night heading to Gulf Shores and arrived sometime after 3 this afternoon. The traffic was horrible today so we were pretty much stop and go the whole way from Hattiesburg. But arriving was so worth it!!! We did go for a quick visit to the beach to remind us the drive was worth it and it totally was. Here are a few pictures and this entire place makes me think of you. You should be here with daddy this summer and getting ready for another month long visit down here with your girlfriends. Love and miss you more,


Here are John and Jorge drinking fruity drinks in our honor since we can't...

Today's a Day

With only five days left (but who is counting?) until we leave on our vacation, I am trying to get things somewhat in order around the house. It seems my new schedule is not working with me however. I had promised to do a desk for a friend to give as a birthday gift and here we are, tomorrow the birthday party, and I am realizing that I forgot to paint the inside of the desk. So before church this morning, I am on the front porch painting (well ventilated--outside--and with my little mask of course!). This is the schedule of my life these days, doing insane little chores in about fifteen minutes of spare time so that I can get to bed at 8pm. What is that????

I finally got in touch with your brother yesterday. I have been quite worried about him the past few weeks since I couldn't get in touch with him at all. When he called to tell me he had moved, I let his son know and since then, they have been inseperable. Good things continue to surprise me these days.

Wish you were here to see it--you would love it as well, More,

Best Dad Ever

So the best dad ever probably had the strangest Father's Day ever this year--he's never been a father without you here. Neall's inlaws were kind enough to invite us over to spend the day with their family so it was nice. We had a good time and then got back to Neall and Becca's in plenty of time for Daddy to give gardening advice to them. Their yard is huge and their garden has taken off wonderfully. The idea of Neall growing eggplant--much less eating eggplant--is quite comical. I brought some flowers from my flower beds out to you yesterday, in a little Razorback plastic cup, no less, so that you would know we all thought of you and wished you were with us. When I got home, the Father's Day card I had sent Daddy was on the kitchen table so I had to remind him that these always were to be stood up on the piano, which made him smile, ah, yes... they do...

Week 6

This baby is a brain snatcher. That’s all I can make it out to be at this point. First, I shredded Daddy’s debit card. I had all kinds of bills on my desk and I got up to shred them after I paid them and I wondered why in the world that shredder was going so slow and being so loud—ah… because it has plastic in it, that’s why. Last week at the Kroger, I got a meat and veggie plate to have for lunch after I finished my grocery shopping. I asked the guy for extra gravy on my potatoes since I was pregnant and he happily agreed. So, I do think this is going to have its perks. However, the day after I was at Kroger, I found a bag of groceries that I had missed in the back of my Jeep—three frozen pizzas, a 32 oz bag of shredded cheese and two boxes of Hot Pockets.

So far, so good. I am over the exhausted phase, I hope. For two weeks I was so tired that I went home at lunch and took a nap. I am not so tired now, but still a little sleepy. That could have to do with the bi-hourly eatings I am doing. As long as I am eating, I don’t get as sick, so I just continue to shove food in my mouth. I have never in my entire life been so very happy to be tired and pukey with sore boobs though. My neighbor stopped me the other day to ask me what was going on because I looked so happy. Another one who knows we are pregnant came over to tell me I was in fact glowing. I just go and sit in what will be the nursery and stare. I honestly just can’t believe it. What is going to be the baby’s closet had a few things in it, so I cleaned it out this weekend and moved it all into the closet in my office. At the top of the closet was a bag of little boy clothes, three Razorback outfits included, that I can’t remember where it came from. I think you must have bought them at a yard sale and I just stuffed them up there. I can only imagine how excited you would be right now with all this going on around you. But you are here and in every piece of that room and our whole lives. All the little clothes of mine when I was a little girl are still in the bags you brought them over in, ready to be put to good use, for photos of course. I can hear you now saying to just take the picture and get her out of it—don’t let her run around playing in those outfits and ruin them. I won’t. Every one of them is one I remember seeing a photo of me wearing. Your YaYa wooden letter sign is proudly ready in the nursery for him to look up to while he is trying to get some sleep. Who would have thought that one little 2mm baby would have made me feel like everything is right in the world for the first time in six months?

Long time, no blog...

I am not saying to whom these belong, but I will say that somewhere, Two Tara’s have both added Johnny Jump Up’s to their Christmas Wish Lists.

Bath-Time

It was way past time for the outside puppies bi-annual bath but I am not sure we are getting the desired effect here as each of them ran straight to the dirt area by their toy box and rolled eagerly. Both then headed straight to their pool and got it filthy.

Anna before... Luke before...
Luke after...

Anna after...

That guy has all the luck..

Jimmy Buffett, FYI, will be 60 on Christmas Day.

My God, how old is Jimmy Buffett?????

And does he ever not smile??? It takes so little to send me into a tailspin these days and so little to make me snap back to reality. Today it is Jimmy Buffett. He was on the Today Show this morning and they are having so much fun on stage. And he's freaking barefoot! He's talking about going on a two week tour. Two weeks that he gets to go to work having fun on stage. It takes a lot of kutzpuh to be barefoot, in pink shorts and a turquoise t-shirt in Rockefeller Center. All of the "Parrotheads" were there in full Parrot Gear to sing and dance along with him. Each one of them has had something horrible happen to them at one time or another and they are there, having fun, smiling and laughing. There are girlfriends there together and men and couples and everything. There is no way not to smile watching them!! And of course, "if we didn't laugh, we would all go insane".

I slept in this morning until 815 and now have to get to work on the living room, John will be home in six short hours and then nothing will get done!! More,

And then I worry some more...

I worry about friends. My friends and your friends and how this has happened. We were so fun! You were always the life of the party and now they are missing you. All of them are so strong and so resilient and I know they are all going to be okay. When you first got sick and then we lost you, I thought of stepping back from my friends. I have friends that I think I am as incredibly, unbelievably close to as you were your girls. I saw the hurt and pain in them and I want to buffer myself from ever hurting that way. But, I know that to do that would only be to cheat myself from a lifetime (albeit short lifetime) of memories and good times.

Where am I now? My friends are so wonderful and so generous and so supportive, but where will that end? No one I know has ever been through this, no one can imagine. My husband lost his mother two years ago and while he hurts and he misses her, it is not like this. A mother and daughter is different from a mother and a son. A mother and daughter that actually like each other? And value each other's company and opinions? Wow. I thought when Grandma Ruth died that I understood unfathomable pain. My body literally ached and I told Natalie at the funeral that if I started to cry, I would never stop. I thought it to be true. I can remember crying only months ago while thinking of her. But it was nothing to this pain. You told me once that there was nothing as empty and hollow as losing your mom. I always thought that it was because you lost your dad first and when your mom died, it was the last of your parents. No, there really is nothing like losing your momma. As the horrible, horrible person that I am sometimes, I am jealous of you, not for the years that you spent taking care of grandma, I know that I would have not been up to that pressure and would have succummed long ago, but that you lived only 11 years after your mom died. I could very well live another 60 years. That is me living only a third of my life with you in it. Will I remember you then? Sometimes, I can barely remember the sound of your voice now. What kind of daughter am I? Even though things seem bleak sometimes that I will ever have babies of my own, I wonder how will I ever tell them and their children about you if I can't even remember the sound of your voice?????? What is so wrong with me?

I worry that my friends, who are so very good to me--better than I could ever hope, will say that enough is enough and I need to move on with my life. How long can I call them crying that I had a bad day? I can't fifteen years from now call and say, "man, today sucks because I wish my mom was here" in tears, since they will more than likely not understand still, as they will more than likely have their mom with them at their son's soccer game when I interrupt with my call. I am so lucky to have so many people that love me and I am so scared that I am going to run them off in no time flat.

When you found out about the tumor, you cried and said you didn't want to die at Christmas because it would always ruin it for us. It wasn't Christmas you had to worry about being hard for us from now on, it was every day. There was not a single day in the year that you could have left us that would have made it any easier; every day is a challenge and I hope you know that we love you and I hope that you know that we are only trying to get by without you and make you proud, More,

Proud owner of one normal lip...

Well, the lip has returned to it's normal size and shape, thankfully. As my dear friend put it, she was buying me a taboggen and calling me MushMouth, which I found very unsupportive, alas...

Today started out as a great day as I danced in with braggery that I was taking off tomorrow and things just went downhill from there. I worry about it all--I worry about work, I worry about your brother, I worry about my brother, I worry about daddy, I worry about my expecting and hoping to be expectng friends, I worry about these babies that it seems are not ever going to be conceived, I worry about what if these babies do ever get here and I can't do it, I worry, I worry, I worry. I really need a drink. And yet, there are 61 minutes until I get off of work.

You have got to be kidding me...

Before my 30th birthday, Tara was terribly distraught that I really just didn’t care. She couldn’t understand how this monumental day did not bother me. Well, I admit now that I totally underestimated what 30 would do to me. This has been a year of firsts of course, but I never imagined so many firsts to occur to my body. There was the first gray hair, the first “down there” infection due to the antibiotics that I have been on for months for the first allergy infections and then there was this. The first swollen lip. I am not sure what in the world happened but I went home for lunch and heated up some mac and cheese from last night. I am pretty sure that it had nothing to do with the swelling as I didn’t get sick last night when I ate it. As I was watching Monday’s Oprah (Cesar from the Dog Whisperer was on there!), the left side of my lip felt a little numb and then it felt like there was something there. To my horror, I looked in the mirror to find a large marble hanging out between my lip and nose. The picture isn’t great but you get the general idea. You can also see a little of the phone as I called Tara wailing of my newest feature. This is one of those times that I needed one of my frantic, ranting calls to you. You more than likely would have held the phone out from your ear and rolled your eyes to whomever you were with, but you would have certainly have let me rant!!! More,

Things I didn't know...

1. A pregnant woman produces as many hormones during her pregnancy as a non child bearing woman does if she lived to 122.

2. Cooper Anderson, of Channel 1 and CNN fame, is the son of Gloria Vanderbilt.

I just had to hurry home to tell you...

My friend's dad died yesterday. So back we went to Wynne for another visitation at a funeral home. This one was at Kernodle's and I wondered how I would handle being there again after you were gone. I did better than I thought I would but still it was so emotional to see so many people hurting and thinking, yeah, it sucks. So everyone had pretty much left and the family stayed in the room and said goodbye again. After her family left, she sat in there with her husband and sobbed. We all sat in the hallway outside to give them space and I looked at her husband with that look, "you gotta get her out of here". After several more helpless moments, I just felt that I had more recent experience in this so I just went in, knelt in front of her, and told her that she had to pull it together. This was horrible and it was going to hurt like hell, but she had to get through it. She sat there and told me how she didn't understand how I was so strong. How was I so strong? I didn't think I was before but maybe I was/am. You did that for me. I saw you with grandma for so many years and only now can I understand the strength it took for you to be such a wonderful daughter. As horrible as it was for us to lose you so quickly, and so young, I know that I would have not been able to be the daughter you were to your mom if you had suffered as long as she did.

As much time as you spent at Kernodle's when you were doing the cemetary manager job, I wanted to say something to Mr. Kernodle. On the way out, I told him I was your daughter. He was so glad that I did and we talked about how much you were missed, how great you were to the cemetary, and how great Daddy was to do all the stuff he did. When we were leaving, he said he really couldn't tell who I resembled and I told him that telling me I looked like Ruth always was a good thing. Like a light bulb flipped on in his mind, he said, that's it! You look just like Ruth. Every now and then, someone would tell me I looked like Grandma Ruth and I would just melt. There is a mother's day photo that you said I looked like her and it was always so touching to me to think of that. I cannot think of any compliments that touch my soul more than thinking I look like her or remind people of you.

Afterwards, we went to my friend's mom's house and her aunt who worked with you at the school was there. We laughed at you counting down your days until you retired and the times that the kids sang "I'm Sorry Ms. Jackson" by Outkast to you. And I taught you the next lines so that you could sing it back to them. Always such a character, you were, and I love all of it about you, More,

Just to make you smile...

I have this photo on my cabinet at work and it always makes me smile. This was the pirate cruise we took after Neall and Becca's wedding and Dr. Price jumped into our shot at the last minute. So funny! It's such a great picture of all of us--how happy we all were!!! The two of us thought for sure that we'd need summer things, after all, the wedding was in Cancun. When we got there, we almost froze. You wore that suit most of the time and I borrowed Neall's Hogs sweatshirt for the entire trip. And then there was the Mystic Tan experience. You had been tanning for weeks before the trip and at the last minute, we both did Mystic Tans, the spray on stuff. I looked horrible--it was very unnatural--but yours looked great. You came out of the bathroom, laughing hysterically, that laugh that you did where you would have to lean against the wall or hold yourself up with the dresser or table and sometimes, you might even snort. You realized in the bathroom that, well, where the boobs were not quite as perky, the tanning spray didn't quite get and you had white crescent shaped moons.

My favorite thoughts of you are like this--the happiest and most exciting person around. More,

Tiny little fruits and veggies...

Well my fruit tree in the front yard that bloomed this year also is producing its first fruit. It has been so long since I planted it that I had forgotten exactly what kind of fruit it might produce, but it is an apple tree. Tiny little apples. Remember in Big when Tom Hanks's character is at the formal party and the tiny corns are there and he starts eating them like corn on the cob? That is all I can think of with the tiny little apples.

And here are my "recycled" planters. I saw them in a dumpster down the street and got them out and painted them. Of course when I was out there painting, this neighbor walked by and told me he was glad I got them, he was hoping someone would. So, now the entire street knows that I am dumpster diving!!!

We gotta stop meeting this way...

Why is it that as you get older, the only time you see anyone is at funerals? Five years ago, it was weddings and funerals but now, almost everyone I know is married so it's down to just funerals. John's mom's brother died yesterday and visitation was tonight in Wynne. I am not sure I could have done it had it been at Kernodle's but I did okay. John did not go with me, becuase he didn't think he could. I realized that a year ago, I would have called you and asked you to go pay my respects for me, which of course you would have done. However, I saw people tonight that I haven't seen in years, since John's mom's services, or since yours. How pathetic are we? I can't stand to think of a funeral home as a social setting but it seems to have become a way of life now. I am scared to think of when I will see some of these folks again--their entire existance will have just been shook to its very core at the loss of a loved one--and I will think, "oh I am so glad that I saw them!"

Daddy and I went to dinner and Neall met us up there. They are so funny. Neall would say, "did you eat all that?" (he hadn't, but the rest was in my to-go box) and it reminded me of you saying, "Richard!!!" when you walked in to the kitchen and caught him snacking on something. He looks good, he's trimmed up some and as long as he remembers to wear his belt, he looks great. And of course, you know Neall is just precious. He might drive me crazy but he is a pretty great guy. You should be so proud.

I guess this is a good followup week to Mother's Day. See, you did a great job with all of us. You were so worried about us when you got sick. The night before your surgery, we sat in your bed and talked for hours. It was hard to understand a lot of what you were saying, and when I pretended to understand what you meant, you would slam your fist, and tell me I was not getting it. I got it though--all of it. You love Daddy like no one ever deserved to be loved. But he did deserve it--he loved you just as much and was so very good to you and you were so very good to him. You told me that night that you would not have known what to do if Daddy had not made it through his heart surgery--that you couldn't have been here for us all these years. I never had seen you so vulnerable. You asked me to sleep in there with you that night and I didn't. I just want to make sure you know that I wanted to. I always slept with you when I stayed at home. But knowing that the next day was going to be so scary, we didn't know that you would make it through the surgery, I knew it was so important for you to be beside Daddy. I hope you know that now, it wasn't that I didn't want to be there for you. You did a good job with us, you taught us so many things and we appreciate it now, now that we are having to use the examples of strength from within every day. We love you so much and thank you not only this week after Mother's Day but forever, More,

We most certainly made it through yesterday...

We made it. All of us, in one piece, made it through the first Mother's Day. I couldn't go out there to see your grave but I will this weekend. I needed to pretend yesterday as much as I could. But no matter, I missed you yesterday, as I do everyday. As Neall showed us his new house, I thought of how you would have loved it and how Daddy shouldn't have had to be there alone discussing flowers and gardens with them.

I planted some flowers, that I bought with a gift card from a very special friend, in a few "recycled" planters. I made sure to get stuff that will come back so that every year I think of you. A little way to keep busy yesterday and not think of you not being here. We love you so much, all of us, more,

Happy Birthday to Tara S

Tara turned thirty (this was not the first thirtieth birthday, I might add...) and we went out to celebrate. Here is a photo of Tara, me, and Theresa.

With Mother's Day weekend approaching...

I am so lucky to have so many people thinking of me during this time. While I was disgusted to see all the mother's day ads, especially the ones that came in my email, I have to say that I was more than a little upset at the blatant disregard they had for those of us that have no mothers. But then I realized that I do have a mom, she may not be here for me to touch, but dammit she is here. You are here in every step I take, in every breath and in every smile I see. You are here in every time I see someone act silly with their friends or every time I see someone hug someone. You are there. Every child I see, I think of how badly I want one of my own, and I cry that you won't be there to see him or her but then I realize that you will, just in your own way. How lucky am I to have such a good mom that let me be that little crappy preteen I see at Wal-Mart acting like a shit? I am horrified to see them now, I see how I was and I am so embarrassed. I think that I told you, especially as I grew older, how much I appreciated all the things that you did for me that you didn't have to do. I tried to tell you but I never realized the full extent of it until you weren't here. You didn't have to call me when I didn't call you by 750 am on my way to work, but you did. You didn't have to come here to help me clean house or to help me paint a Razorback room. And you certainly didn't have to listen to all my rants and raves on the way to work. But you did, because you loved me. And you continue to love me. I know that and as bad as you not being here sucks, it may be the best Mother's Day of them all since I appreciate all of the other days with you together into one Day, More,

Cooking sucks

I tried that darn cooking thing again and again I say, you were right, as usual. My friend Theresa called and I asked what time it was, 8:30. Whatever!! I started cooking and cleaning up as soon as I got home from work. That's it. As soon as we finish out this round of groceries, I am done with the cooking. Blah!

The godfather of soul less than ten feet away...

You know, I really love Memphis. I used to think of Wynne as my home and Memphis where I was living in between the time I grew up in Wynne and when I moved home. John and I were talking of moving home when we had our babies and there are such great schools there and those babies would need to be close to a great grandma, or as you liked to call your future self, Yia-Yia. After you left us, I knew I would never be able to go back. My life as I imagined it being is never going to happen so I have to create a new life for myself and my family-to-be, however strange that may be. In the time I have lived here, I have always felt a little emotional surge when I come over the bridge but I really am trying to fit myself into a niche here and find out where my new home base will take me. So, volunteering has been a big goal of mine. I have been doing volunteer work for the past year or so, every chance I get, but the last few months have made it even more desirable. When a coworker said she volunteered last year for Memphis in May, I went to the website and signed up immediately. I was so lucky to get enlisted in the hospitality committee. I had no idea how much fun it would be. I was so jealous of all the others that had done this for years. There are people that come from all over, Nashville, Little Rock, Jonesboro, to volunteer here for years because of the great fun. They all knew each other and what was going on but I caught on by the end of Sunday. I know now that I will be taking off on Friday and Monday, staying the entire time and getting a hotel room downtown from now on!!! And I am trying to convince Tara to join me.

I thought at first it was so boring, we just kind of sat back but I realized soon that I would never be able to go to the Music Fest again with the "other folk". Lots of room backstage, a tent, a chair, and not all that fuss. There were certainly the busy times, when we had to fulfill the "rider" the headliner sent, but it was great fun. Bands send a rider saying their requests for their trailer. Usually, only the headliner gets one, but today we had both Chicago and James Brown and they wanted a four page list fulfilled. It was hysterical! We had a buffet meal for the artists and their groups, usually consisting of the stage hands and the roadies, but I got to serve the members of Chicago ribs!!! I restrained myself from telling them that when I was a kid, we always listened to Jim Croche, Three Dog Night and Chicago on family vacations. I made that mistake once in college. We used to go to BJ's StarStudded Honky Tonk and one night Joe Klein was there and I told him how that I used to watch him play for the Hogs when I was a kid and he was like, yeah, great, I am so old. Looking about at his belly button, I tried to explain, no I didn't mean you were old, but it really did no good.

James Brown's group was there and had been for a while and when he finally arrived, it was all atwitter at the backstage area. While the others drove up in their band buses, he arrived in a white limo--driving over plywood to cover the mud! His personal assistant was waiting on him and the limo pulled up with a bodyguard opening the door. It was like a movie--this black boot came out, complete with the silver toes, and out he came. All five feet of him--seriously he did not weigh more than 120 pounds! It was hysterical. His wife obviously had no idea about Music Fest and the rain it always has since she had on her stiletto heels and floor length floral wrap dress. It was great! Stuff like this--I never would have imagined--getting ice and beer and ribs for famous folk; it is so exciting to me!

On Thursday night, we had a meeting down there prior to the festival. I got a ride on a golf cart back up to the parking area. As I rode on the back of the cart back towards the old bridge, I was looking back towards the new bridge and realized how I suddenly had the best vision and seat in the city at that moment. Seeing the river and the lights on the bridge, I was hit with the idea that you know, this can be a great town. It may not be what I wanted for a home, it may not hold all the things I wanted to give my family-to-be but it's mine and I love it. I am so lucky to have such a great second opportunity and I have to work even harder to make it the best it can ever be. I know you are watching all of this and I hope you are happy with it, every day is us only trying to figure out how to live again, More,

You gotta stop following me around...

Tara's birthday was Saturday so Friday night Theresa and I took her out to eat. We decided on Bari, an Italian restaurant a few blocks from my house. I was very distracted during dinner because this lady across the restaurant reminded me so much of you. It was not that she looked like you so much, but from the back and side, her hair and jawline were so similar to yours. She had several bracelets on her wrists, also like you. I tried to ignore it but I just keep getting distracted and staring. Finally I told the girls how sorry I was but this woman across the room looked so much like you and Tara said, "I know! I have been trying not to look and certainly not to tell you!" After I realized I was not crazy--after all, if 1 Tara thinks it, it might be off base but if 2 Taras think it, then it is officially fact--I had to take a picture of this woman with my phone... I know--nuts. Not a great photo but here it is...
It's pretty fuzzy but can you get a good idea of what was over there. I am officially a stalker now I suppose. I know that you wanted to be there. I tease about you and Aunt Mutt sitting on a beach now having a glass of wine. Seeing this woman over there drinking her glass of wine only confirmed it for me. Love you so much, More,

One of these things is not like the other ones...

Nothing very exciting going on here. After my busy weekend, I have tried to lay low this week. I did try that cooking thing again and again, I agree with you that it sucks. I have this very strong need and desire and want to make homemade ice cream every summer, so I go to the grocery store and buy twenty dollars worth of stuff to make it, and it was great--I admit!, but I think I ended up with about two pints worth, which I could have bought at the store for $3. The big Memphis in May weekend is coming up. I am really trying to get involved in all sorts of volunteer stuff and I will be doing my volunteering for the festival this weekend. Oh, my! We all know that it rains every MusicFest (remember the year that Natalie and I took Neall and Justin and we were so soaked when we finally got home?), so I can only imagine what I will look like on Sunday night!!! Anyway, while going through photos, I found this one of tulips in DC and I love the lone yellow one stuck in with all the other red ones. It reminds me of you--standing out but just because it's the most exciting one of them all. Miss you more today than yesterday, More,

Little Pieces of You Everywhere

Today was so very busy that I think I must go to sleep soon. I got up early this morning and did the March of Dimes WalkAmerica--it was great to do and I felt oh so good about myself for doing something so productive. But after four miles, I was quite tired. I ran home, stopping at Sonic first for a cherry vanilla coke, and got home and jumped in to the shower. The NFL draft started at eleven, so I had it on, all the while just to see where things were heading.... (and your boy DeAngelo went in the first round to Carolina! So proud of our guy!)

So, I jump out in plenty of time to be very late for my plans to be at Daddy's by one. I had to go to Home Depot and buy a gift and a gift card for Neall & Becca for housewarming gift. There is no way that anyone moving into a house has any idea of the amount of money they will spend at Home Depot in the months to come. Or years. We have been in our house for four years now and I swear I am at Home Depot at least weekly. Then I rushed downtown to get tickets to the Grizzlies game today at 430pm. They sell the cheap seats for $5 on game day and of course, they had just sold out of the cheap setas before I got there but I got tickets anyway, since well, I feel it is important to support our little team. I mean, it is going to be on national TV and Memphis has enough bad going for it, at least we can look like we are supporting our team.

Then I went to Wynne. Daddy and I went to lunch and walked in to this entire table of red hat ladies. It was quite humorous to be honest. Then your dear friend Carol and her husband came in. I had to go over and tell her, "you know SHE would have had great fun with this, right???" I can only imagine what you would have done. It was so good to see her. It makes me feel like a little of you is near me when I see or talk to your friends. Every one reminds me so much of you--something in them always has a little of you in them, whether it is a smile or a gesture or a knowing look. Daddy and I then went to Lou Beene's 80th birthday party. She was so glad to see us! I knew that you would have been there and I just love Lou! She's hysterical. You always talked about her and I never met her until you got sick, but I can see the two of you causing a ruckus on Crabb Lane before then. As precious as all the things are, it is so hard to see people that realize who Daddy and I are and look at us with such great pity. I am so glad that they are thinking of us, but I can see it in their faces, "oh you know, that's Teri's husband and daughter". It is so kind to know that they are sad about you leaving us and I want so badly to not tear up when they tell me how sorry they are about my mom. But it has shown me how many people care and that is priceless. We were lucky that Pat was there at the same time we were and we had a buddy. She is so precious. She really has been there just like you would have wanted her to. Whether it is me having a rough day that no one can understand or Daddy trying to figure out what flowers you want him to plant, we both call her. She knew you and knew you better than anyone and I know that today she wanted to have you there with the three of us talking about what a great party it was and how good it was that Lou had so many friends and family with her.

Looking at the clock, I realize that it is 3 and I have to go! I have the Griz to cheer on, and yeah, they lost. As Tara and I sat there cheering for our losing team, I told her I had to stop myself from saying "Come on HOGS!" But then, as I was the only one in our nosebleeding seats up and cheering, I literally was stopped in my tracks. As the music was playing, I was dancing and looked at Tara, John and Jorge and told them how boring they were and I realized, "OH MY GOD!" that was the most Teri thing I could have ever done. I can see you screaming for the Piggies in Fayetteville and I said a little prayer right then and there that I would have more "Moments of Momma Reality" in my life. I can't think of a better highlight to my day than to realize that not only did I think of you but that I saw you in me.

I am finally home, watching my eighth day straight of hockey. I am so sick of hockey. John loves it and we are watching the playoffs every day but I really can't say anything because of all the football I have made him watch but it is getting tough. I know that you would understand and talk me through this. Yessh! Tomorrow I plan on getting right back in to bed after church and doing nothing. I can hardly wait, love you more than anything and I wish you were here, More,

Shalom.

So yesterday at church, we sang "Jesus Arose" after the message. You know how it picks up at the chorus and says "Up from the grave, He arose"? I swear, I could see you doing a little dance to that section. It seems like I can see us at Union Avenue Baptist Church when we are younger and you doing a little move when we sang that. It kind of makes my heart jump to think of it.

After lunch, I got to Wynne and Daddy and I went shopping for flowers. He dug up the shrubs in front of the house, as you had instructed!, and needed something to plant in their place behind the hostas. It is going to look really good. I got a yellow rose bush and used one of your planters that you had last year for your ferns. Why I didn't take both of the matching planters when Daddy offered, I don't know but I will get the other one this weekend to put on the other side of the porch steps. Your little flower garden outside looks so good. He always laughs at your planting technique--pretty much just tossing it over in the garden--but it always seemed to work.

I painted tonight and it looks fabulous!! I can't wait to get all of my stuff up!

Yeah, still lots of peace in our little valley but we miss you, More,

The Glory of Vinegar

I have had visions of redoing my dining room for weeks now and I finally got started on it this weekend. In order to force myself to do it, I tore a piece of the wall covering off so then, I HAD to do it! When I did my office, you and daddy came over to help me strip the wallpaper. It was hysterical to see you work on about a six inch square and then throw your hands up and tell me how bad this sucked. Yes, I know, I was the one on the ladder with the steamer sweating profusely. I have these horrible Steve Madden shoes that I always wear when painting and the steamer kept dripping hot water on my toes. Daddy took a nap on the couch and you would walk in the living room, "Richard!" and he would jump up, "what? what?" I think you did that just for fun. So, after I got the first layer of wall covering off and started on the wallpaper layers underneath, I couldn't find my steamer that I swear I saw just last week. Somewhere. Anywhere but somewhere I could place right then. So I went to Home Depot to get that Diff junk, knowing it would suck. This old man saw me looking at it and told me to save my money and just put vinegar and hot water in a spray bottle; I figured it couldn't suck more than Diff so, why not. OH MY GOD. It was wonderful. Honestly, I did the entire dining room in about four hours. I love vinegar. Did you know you can put a cup of vinegar in your microwave on high for one minute and all the funk just wipes right off?

So, I am so inspired now to finish my dining room that I am only breaking temporarily now and then will tape up and put on a coat of primer tonight so I can paint tomorrow. I can see you now putting your head in your hands saying, "TARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't have to do it all right now!" Yeah, I do, More,

To start out so crummy, this week has really ended great!

The trip to DC of course was for work. I attended a compliance school and the certification exams were given daily. The head of the program said that usually only 15-20 percent of those taking it pass all five parts the first time. And the tests were pretty tough, much to my surprise. But I just got the news that I passed all five and have my certification now! Whoo-hoo! I had already decided that if I did not pass one, I would just pay for a new exam out of my pocket and have it proctored at the public library here instead of telling my boss the bad news!

This is just funny... you always delighted in doing whatever you could to mortify me at any given opportunity. So, when my friends started getting married and if ever there was a lingerie shower, you always sent the most tasteless gift--Ever. Natalie says that the teddy you gave her at her shower makes her blush to think of it. Today she said she had to buy a gift for her cousin's lingerie shower--so the smuttier it is, the more we are thinking of you...

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Who'd have thought my friend was really a rabbit?

This weekend started out pretty good but today was tough. We went to have lunch with Neall's inlaws, which was great fun even if we did have to leave early, then headed to Lonoke to see Grandma. She was good, Daddy and I got a lot of talking in on the trip to and fro, and when we got back to the house, he filled the car with pepper and tomato plants. We went to the cemetary earlier and of course, I looked my keys in the car. Nice. But things were looking up after the locksmith came and got me in the car.

Today was a different story. It was just a sad day. No Easter basket full of candy yesterday just hit me today. It shouldn't be a big deal. I have said that it's the selfish things that are the worst when I miss you. I worry about when I have my babies, who will spend the week with me after I get out of the hospital. All of my friends have had their moms stay with them for the first week after baby arrives. I am reading a book titled "Motherless Daughters" but I don't think I will finish it. It was quite strange to read someone saying the exact thing I said about staying with them after they have their kids. Maybe I am better off not thinking about it so often. Just being in denial seems to be working for me so far.

So, crying fits abounded all day today. It was tough. When Tara asked what was wrong, all I could say was that it was tough not having an Easter basket!! This afternoon I got home and there was a huge rose bush on my porch with a plastic egg in it and a note from the Easter Bunny. Of course, I was on the phone with Tara as I got home (ranting about my day of course!) and I wondered aloud what in the world was that on my porch??? She swore that she had nothing to do with it. Our dear friend Theresa lives in midtown near me and since the rose bush came in the Home Depot bucket, I knew she was the culprit. How lucky can I be to not only have Tara who is so good to me but Theresa who is so very kind to know when I needed a rose bush?

Who Doesn't Love Krispy Kreme?

March of Dimes has an arragement with Krispy Kreme doughnuts that sells them at a discount rate for fundraising. So for the past few Fridays, we are selling them in our lobby. Unfortunately, we seems to be selling more to our employees than to the FedEx employees, but that is neither here nor there. So, I got a dozen to take home to John today. He will be delighted. I can't see a Krispy Kreme and not think of you and your sheer elation at going to Krispy Kreme and getting doughnuts when we were in Branson. You would strike up a conversation with everyone in line and giggle and clap your hands when you got that hot, dripping doughnut finally. I can see it playing out in mind right now--I can honestly see you and hear you crying, "oh goodie! goodie!" right now.

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And let there be blooms...

This is the little tree that I planted in the yard the year we moved in. I think I got it for $4 towards the end of summer! But, it was crooked and Daddy staked it to try and straighten it out. I had just about convinced myself that it was just going to be a four foot stick in my yard until I got home from DC and it was blooming! Tara had to mention it to me that it had blooms--I was oblivious since for so long it has just been a stick!!!

Daddy got the tree in the back yard cut down and he is going to get a red maple this weekend to plant in the back yard. I am coming over Sunday after I go to church here (I told him there was no way I would get home in time for the early service at his church!) and then off to see Grandma! I need to fix her up an Easter basket before I go. I will work on that this week. Taking Ruby out to eat Friday night--you better certainly be looking out for me on that one.

Love you the mostest, More,

And you never understood why I wanted to live here...

Tara found this in the Commercial Appeal...

Flowers

You always thougth that flowers were such a waste of money but I have to disagree. They are one of my many luxuries. I love having fresh flowers around and think that the make the day much better. There was a guy selling them outside my hotel and now I have a beautiful arrangement in my hotel room. I think this is all part of my "new outlook"--why wait on getting flowers until I am not here to appreciate them? I love you so much, maybe today more than ever. We had our family vacation with Neall, Daddy and I but after they are gone, I especially want you here. I don't care if you ever go to Wynne again, but come here, right in my heart, in my little world. I love you, more....

Oh what a handsome boy!!!!!!!!!!!

If he were any cuter, I couldn't stand it! Griffin got his first major hair cut! These two photos are less than a week apart--wow! He looks like such a big boy!

the Bane of Women's Existence

The Smithsonian Museum had an exhibit on pantyhose and their invention. Nice. Love the nylons.


And I will tell you what this is since you might not know... it's a toaster! I love the pretty little ceramic bottom that is painted with pretty little pink flowers! You would love this--especially with your big interest in anything in the kitchen, More,

I hear the train a comin', it's comin' round the bend...

First of all, I must say that I have a whole new respect for you after all the Easter Sundays of you trying to get us together for a family portrait. I remember me always squirming, just mortified that someone might drive by and see me standing in the front yard by the tree posing for a picture. How stupid was that? I felt your pain today, I must say. I got the "fish eyes" from Neall on more than one occasion when I had them stop to let me take a photo. Those boys. I reminded Daddy that I was your daughter and photos were a requsite. Today when we were at Arlington, we talked about how you always wanted to do a directory at Cogbill Cemetary. I am going to do some research with the cemetary in North Carolina that you saw and really liked, to see how we can go about getting that taken care of for you. There were so many things that you wanted to do and so many things that you should have been able to do. We love you so much and miss you every day, More,

Here we have the happy family waiting on the Metro...

And the guys in front of the capitol...

I had on a pair of your shoes so I had to stop and rest my feet at the fountain at the Art Sculpture...

Some photos from today...

Here's My Future Home...
This is just funny; they picked me up at the office yesterday and Neall and I had on the same outift! Same light blue pants and a white button up--ha!!

"Clark, slow down! The kids are ... DEAD!"

This is pretty much what Daddy and I saw on today's sightseeing...
It is uncannily similar to National Lampoon's European Vacation when they did the run through all the museums after winning the trip on Pig in a Poke. This must have been foreshadowing on your part when you named him this but it has been great fun and as Neall keeps saying, "Tara we have to get going, we only have so many hours to see the nation's capital city!"But it has been great fun. On the run past the mall, I was able to get this photo of the cherry blossoms. Don't tell Neall or he will realize that I actually could have been running faster through it all.

We're Leaving, We're Leaving, Whee!

The Jackson 3 are shipping out tomorrow. Whoo-hoo! So exciting! We leave Memphis at 620 so Daddy and Neall will pick me up at work at 5 and Becca is dropping us off at the airport. I am so excited! We are going to have great fun. Daddy said he felt like you would want us to have some spending money--I feel certain YOU would!!!!!!! You had so much fun in DC when you and Daddy went. Just a few months ago, you sent an email about the tomb of the unknown soldier and how special it was for you to see it. I really hope we get to see it when we are there. Miss you terribly and lots of love,

More,

Peace in my Little Valley

Today was such a wonderful, absolutely peaceful day. I needed one of those. I got up this morning intent on going to church, Galloway Methodist, and since Tara is looking as well, I convinced her that we should try the church at the end of my street. So, being the dear that she is, she came all the way to my house and off we went. I wasn't sure what to think when we got there and the service was held in a very, very tiny sanctuary. It reminded me of Grandma Jackson's church in Oaklawn, AR since there were only nine rows of pews on each side and maybe thirty people there. I was pretty shocked since this is a huge church if you see it only from the outside and there are always lots of people there when I drive by for one event or another. Some of the things that I am looking for in attending church were there today. There were people on the other side of the room that came over to shake our hands when they did the meet and greet section and they actually SANG songs--not the slow drawn out songs, but actually sang them with excitement. I remember you always loved Revelations and talk of the rapture. And they even sang that last verse of Amazing Grace, which started the tears.

The sermon was about prayer and how important it is for us all. She talked about how some times things happen and no one can explain it and how important it is to go to God in prayer. Some people will tell you that God did this for a reason or what not and the pastor said that no, God does not do this to us for a reason but that does not mean that He doesn't want us to learn something from it. That touched me in a way that I can never explain. It has been so hard since you left us when people say that God has a reason for this. Well, as sacrilegious as it is, it is hard for me not to scream, "I don't care what His reason is, it can't be worth this!" But to think that His heart is sad too that you suffered and that you leaving us has broken us in ways that no one can know, makes it a little more bearable. She told a story of a woman who had been molested as a child and her dilemma in trusting a god that let this happen. God isn't happy to see that happen and he didn't let that happen to her, and sometimes, you want to scream, "God, damn that person for this". I can relate, I often want to scream, "God, damn brain cancer" and I feel okay for feeling that way now. That is good. I was of course sitting there with tears streaming and of course the only thing in my purse (never one known for preparedness!) were the fabric samples of the dining room renovation. So, as I sat with striped upholstery fabric dabbing my eyes, a lady behind got up, went and got me a Kleenex and brought it to me. Wow. Then I looked at Tara, as in "Can you believe this? Why can't I get this steady trickle to end?" to see her tears streaming. How to react to your right hand and rock crying? I know the sermon was touching and all, but I know that her tears are from seeing me hurt. Knowing that a friend is so dear that my pain makes her hurt, is more than I can comprehend and more than I could ever have imagined. Just the beginning of good things that were created from our great tragedy.

I am a different person now. I am a better person now. The "little stuff" just doesn't get to me like it did, I really just don't care. For better or worse, I am not able to waste my time with those that are not being a positive force in my life. I am taking charge of me and facing my fears head on now--let's remember the removal of the dead rat, that's a big one for me! I am finding a creative and artistic side I never knew I had. What is a math nerd like me doing painting and crafting? I have lost 30 pounds and two dress sizes--half way to my goal. I feel stronger--if I can handle this and wake up every morning and be productive, then I am proud of me. Does that mean it was worth it or this was the reason? No, if I thought it would bring you back, I would be down on 3rd Street smoking crack and hooking! But it won't. The only thing I can do to bring you back is to be the best person I can be and make you proud of me and let people see you in me.

As we left today, all I could think is, what in the world do I say on the VERY brief ride home from church to Tara? I settled on, "So obviously, that touched me in some way so I guess I need to go back there, huh?" She agreed.

I then went to Wynne and Daddy cooked out. Then we went to Wal-Mart to get flowers for my beds out front and Pat came over. It's strange to be there, in your garden where Daddy moved your bulbs to where you had the little markers from last year already in place for them, and you not dance out on to the deck, but we do it. And we laugh at how you never really one to be concerned with weeds, just planting flowers, weeds and all. Isn't that kind of how we are now? Flowers with weeds sporadically around us?

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Rudabega

You always would go into a sneezing fit with our poor Rudy, who only wanted to love on you, by the way. Two years ago, on the Saturday before Mother's Day the year that John's mom died, Rudy got sick and when I took him to the vet, they said he had a horrible urinary tract infection. After spending the weekend in the emergency hospital, many dollars and a "talk" from the doctor that he probably wasn't going to make it, the little man came home to torture us and Bill again. Yesterday, I was getting in the shower and saw blood and freaked out and rushed the dude to the doctor to find out he was going through it again. My first thought was, oh my God, Rudy is going to die and torture Momma for eternity. Of course, you won't have allergies where you are, so he would have just sat there and tempted you to pet him only to swipe at you when you did. Thankfully, he is home and fighting everytime we, (who am I kidding, I) have to give him antibiotics. He is a pretty cute kitty though and you don't get to play with him yet. You do have Bo and Sam. I can remember Neall & I sitting on the floor in the kitchen with Daddy trying to name Bo when we were kids. It was definitely between Bo and Luke -- the Dukes Of Hazzard of course.

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The Hunt Goes On

Well, I am not sure that Idlewild is the place for me. I am really asking myself some tough questions and I didn’t think that was what this was about. Getting back in to church was supposed to be something to bring me to a better place so that I could create a new foundation in my life now that every thing seems to have been shaken to the core. It is very awkward walking into a church for the first time alone. And even more awkward going into a Sunday School class alone when you know no one!!! But I did it because I felt it was important and I really am in great need right now. I am used to being the only one I am around with the political beliefs that I have. It has actually become a scar that I carry with pride, almost like my very own, very Red, scarlet letter. While there are some friends that I will disagree with and have discussions with or even, maybe instigate, for the most part, I try to just nod and smile politely when in the middle of a discussion of differing views. But, I did not expect to go to church and be smack in the middle of a political discussion. Almost a political lesson. I had teased about they were going to try and convert me, but I really felt like I could just smile and nod and it all be my little dirty secret, and no one ever be the wiser. When I asked about classes to attend, I got a list of three: the class I attended, a class for young parents (I really wanted to be in that class but thought it a little creepy with no baby) and the current issues class—that someone described as a liberal support group. Knowing that was not the way I wanted to go, I went to the first one which would look at big issues. The first issue was subdue versus dominion.

Originally I was pretty thrown off kilter since I had trouble finding the books of the Bible. Yeah, that can be pretty embarrassing and really show that you have not been in church in a while. I wanted to tell the teacher, “I know I am a little slow today, but I was once a champion in Bible Drill at Union Avenue Baptist Church in Wynne, AR” but I managed to refrain. I was really excited about this class, realizing that this was not your kids’ Sunday School class. It was actually a discussion that prompted thinking and prodding. It was good; I like that. Somehow along the way the class turned into an environmental conservation lesson though. We started out in Genesis 1:26-31 and then went on to read other instances of “subdue” and “dominion” to better determine their meaning. The instances we looked at all had to do with land and this was turned into how God gave us this gift, the Earth, and we were to take care of it. In turn, how could we justify strip mining and oil drilling? With great pride, I sat there nodding and smiling politely, even when others in the class made snide remarks and sarcastic looks whenever the teacher brought up our “current administration”. The teacher commented that now more of the evangelical Christians are becoming interested in environmental issues and of course, the snicker came, “but is that for Christian purposes or for political gain?” At the end, the teacher asked if he had really proved that God wants us to be environmentalists or had he just used smoking guns and mirrors to prove his point, and he said, “well, maybe a little of both”.

Here is where my query comes in… is it really enriching for me to go to a class where everyone believes the same as I do? Isn’t it more of an intellectual and enriching experience to be around others with varying views and be able to see things in another light and either change your mind on issues or be able to better justify those things in which you believe? I think it is better to have differing opinions. If I were around people that always felt the way I do, wouldn’t I just be regurgitating their comments and information?

This was my thinking when I decided I was going to continue to attend the class and see what I can learn. And then I got the email. The one that said our Sunday School class would not be meeting in the same room because we were combining with another class for a guest lecturer: Harold Ford, Jr. The candidate for Senate. The search is on for a new church since I do not feel like I need to be somewhere that substitutes a political rally for a Sunday School class.

I know how much it meant to you for me to be back in church and I promised the day you died to go back. I have missed a few days here and there, but I am trying. It is just so hard to be a grown up. It was much easier when I was a kid and having you stand over my bed making me get up, get dressed and get to church with the family. Ha! I remember the time that we saw someone leaving from church with a reindeer or something on the grill of their car and I was making fun and you, so seriously, asked me if I didn’t see the one on our car. In all of my preteen angst, I was mortified! How could you do this to me? Once, I spent the night with a friend on Saturday and after church we had to stop at IGA. Daddy and I went inside to get whatever we needed and while I was inside, you hung my training bra on the antenna. Again, mortified. What I wouldn’t do for you to mortify me again in front of all my friends. I would give anything to see you do Y-M-C-A at Josie’s with a houseful of my friends just one time.

Fear not, the hunt continues for the church for me and I will find it, I promise. You are going to be proud—I promise.

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Happy Birthday John (it was March 7th)

My gift to myself for letting John turn 30 without strangling him was an iPod. I honestly do not know how I lived before I had this thing. I made fun of people with these things and how STUPID to spend that much money on something like that, but I take it all back and admit that I am wrong. Not only can I put my music on there, and every single person I know, I am asking for their CD collection from their car to put on there too, but my entire life is on this thing! It has enough space that I can backup my laptop on it as an external hard drive and I can add my pictures in it as well to show off all these kids I know and love at any given moment. The clincher is that I can synchronize it with my Outlook contacts and calendar so that I can have those everywhere too. I am so giddy with excitement over all this fun stuff. The only downside is my rhythm. I can’t dance. As I toil down Airways to work, I realize that people are laughing at me because I am really rocking in my car, just singing!!, and there is no rhythm there at all. It’s quite sad. You always knew it and tried to tell me that I didn’t get your dancing genes. Sometimes in church when I was little, we would clap along with the songs, and you would look at me and try to help me get on the beat. The best was the time that you told me a few years ago that you always felt so sorry for me at the JPC dances because I would be out there trying dancing with everyone else and I just couldn’t get it. You were right, I am not getting it but I really don’t care now because I can tell you what time it is in Bangkok as I listen to “Walk Like an Egyptian” and think of Skateland.

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Figures

One of my new volunteer projects is Memphis in May. Tonight was my first meeting and of course, would you believe that the country they are spotlighting this year is Costa Rica and the logo for the year has a huge frog on it. Every time I see anything with Costa Rica it reminds me of you and Daddy. It was the first time you left me!!!! And, maybe where you got Neall... So here I am, to spend from now until the end of May with frogs--that of course remind me of you-- and Costa Rica. Should be fun...

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You must have thought I had run away!

No, no, I am still here. I had a great vision for this email I wanted to write you about my expereince with Idlewild but I am still working on it. It is a biggie, I say. But hopefully I will finish it this weekend as I am going to have lots of time. Grandma fell and broke a vertebra and had another mini-stroke she is in the hosptial. Of course, Daddy is trying to do all he can but it is so hard for him. So, I am planning on going up tomorrow afternoon, spending some time with Grandma, John's band is playing in Little Rock Saturday night, so I will get a hotel room, visit again with Grandma on Sunday morning and then head back. Neall is going up this afternoon after work to meet up with Daddy. I hope this way, Daddy can go once or twice during the week and then next week we can do it again. As selfish as this sounds, I hope our Washington trip isn't affected, since I think it will be so good for daddy.

John got tickets again for the floor of the Grizzlies game and didn't want to go! How crazy is he? So, I took Tara. The girls sitting beside us left at the beginning of the fourth quarter, so I got their tickets and Dan and Natalie, who also were given tickets at work, came and sat on the floor with us during the fourth quarter. It was much fun. Here are the girls:

Everything else is toiling along as usual, I suppose. John is still driving me nuts, Work is always an experience, all the basics. I did see this article in the paper that they are looking for the most inspriational women in Memphis. Can you only guess who I nominated??? In case they don't select you on the technicality that you don't live in Memphis, here is what I sent them. I had to cut so much out since they only allowed it to be so long....

The most inspirational woman in my life never lived in Memphis but her impact has made its way to the Bluff City. Some of my earliest memories are of my mom caring for her mother as she suffered through a debilitating disease for twenty years. Vacations and trips were scheduled around arranging for a temporary caregiver, her best friends usually, and evenings and mornings always involved my brother and me tagging along as momma helped her mom do the most basic of tasks, including getting in and out of bed, into a chair for the day and of course, as every Southern woman knows, putting on lipstick. She would later go on to have a sense of guilt for missing out on a lot of our childhood but I know that through it all she taught us the most precious lesson of all: love. It is not always pretty and it is not always fun, sometimes it is just downright hard, unfair and messy, but through it all, it is precious and an inspiration.

I was a sophomore in college when my grandma left us. I remember hurting so much that I thought if I started to cry, I would never stop. Momma was heartbroken and told me “There is just something about losing your mom that never stops hurting”. But then over time, it was like she became a new person. All the years that she and Daddy stayed close to home to care for grandma, all the years of being there first thing in the morning, at lunchtime, and the last thing in the evening, and all the years of watching your inspiration and mentor suffer were gone. Momma shed some of her inhibitions that next year and just kept on throwing them off for the next ten years. She lost some weight, started buying clothes she liked (instead of my hand-me-downs), went on trips with her friends (forming the Traveling Buddies) and became a dynamic duo with Daddy. You would be hard pressed to find them at home on a weekend, whether it be going to the movies or to see the Hogs play, they were not ones to sit idly by. For years, Momma worked in the Wynne (AR) Public Schools, the majority of which at the high school library. Being around teenagers was good for her—and them—and gave her a chance to have fun everyday at work, something many of us never have the opportunity to do. The students loved her teasing and funny character and she never missed the chance to show out.

When her aunt moved into an assisted living facility, mom was right there in the thick of it all, stopping by to visit and cheer up the residents. She and her Red Hat friends would stop by—bringing hats for all of the ladies!—and sing Christmas carols or drop off candy or just visit. Being retired meant being seen and being exciting! Trips with the Traveling Buddies could be just a shopping visit to Memphis (where once she looked with at a salesperson with horror asking “what is that thing?” and the reply was “Ma’am, that’s a range, would you like me to show you how to use it?”) or the entire month of January spent in a beach house in Gulf Shores. Momma has taught me how to have the best of friends, how to love them and appreciate them for everything they are and everything they want to be, and how important it is that they know you love them. She has taught me how to enjoy friends that you only see occasionally and the friends of those you love, since all of them make a difference in your life.

Momma died at the beginning of 2006, only 41 days after she was diagnosed with a glioblastoma multiforme astrocytoma—a brain tumor. But every day she continues to inspire me and teach me. Her friends have become my friends and my support. My friends have become to see her as example for their lives—and our incredibly close relationship as something they want with their mothers. It’s unreal that the one word “friend” can be a mother, aunt or sister; someone your age, half your age, or twice your age; or it can be the one person who even though you know that there is no blood relation, you are convinced that you both share the same heart. So now, my pretty, fun, hard, unfair and messy love for her is the most precious inspiration of all.

There are stories and words that I could never tell you or anyone to show how inspriring you are to me and so many other people. No matter what, you are always right here,

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Days I Miss You The Most

Where does this list start? Today I am on day three of a crappy cold. I remember every time I was sick in the past few years and of course since we talked every day, you knew I felt bad, and would always say “do you want me to come over there and take care of you?” I always said no but really wanted you to and could kick myself now that I didn’t let you. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had come over every Sunday in the past instead of waiting until now to realize that this was a practice I needed to do. What was I thinking? I am so glad to have gotten to a point that Daddy and I talk on the phone daily but I can’t help but feel that no matter how wonderful it is, it’s not worth the price we had to pay for it. I found out last week that I am going to Washington, DC for a week in April and of course, I thought of you going with me when I had to go to New York last year on business. So, I called Daddy to see if he wanted to go and to my surprise, he quickly was on board. Well, now this has turned into a family affair and I think Neall is going to go with us. How fun will this be? But then, I can only think of how you would have absolutely loved to have a family vacation with the four of us as adults. I know you are so glad we are going but shit! Shit, shit, shit! You should be here with us. Why did we never do this before? Why not last year or six months ago, even before we knew you were sick? It is not that we didn’t love as much then, it is not that we didn’t know how much we loved you, but we never imagined a day that you would not be here. We never even thought we would run out of time.

Frogs, Dogs and Hogs

Well, Friday we started the biannual white-death-get-to-the-store-for-bread-and-milk snow experiences we have here in Memphis. I really don't know that the roads were that bad, but it did take me an hour to get home from work on Friday, and I left at 4pm--this being an 8.5 minute drive in the morning. So it snowed and snowed and froze on Friday night and then all melted by Saturday at eleven. By that time, Daddy and I decided not to risk going to Fayetteville so we were here for the weekend. Here you can see that my little luau frog in the flower bed has a little ice drip going on. And yes, I know that I need to re-mulch the flower bed. So there you have the frogs portion of the post--frogs with frozen snot-- and the hogs portion--we didn't get to see them finally win a game. But the dogs portion! Oh this is bad! So, my little heathens in the backyard. You know how they like to catch a good vermin every now and then. Usually John is able to do take care of the after effects for me but the other day, I went outside and there were the remnants right there! John was already gone for work and I told myself that now that I was officially the Mama (never will anyone be another Momma) around here, I had to grow up and take care of this. Put all fears aside and get over this. I tried to think of you being there telling me how silly I was being to be afraid of a little dead rat and to just take care of it. So, I got my short little shovel that I use for my flower bed (maybe now with all my new confidence, I will use a big kid shovel this summer) and I went to task. After many, "oh my God"s and "ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"s, I finally got it on the shovel and promptly flicked it in the neighbor's yard. Seriously, you would have thought that I had ran a marathon with the pride I had at work, telling everyone, "I flicked a rat!! I did it!" I am so proud of me! You know all about my unreasonable fear of mice and such--it was such a moment! I had no one to call to brag though. I called a couple of folks but no one answered the phone at such an early hour so I had to just know that you knew and were impressed.

Today is one month since you have been gone. It seems like fifteen months. Everything that should be getting easier is getting harder. Every day hurts a little more when it should be hurting less. I don't know what to do or what to say to anyone. There is one person at work that DRIVES ME NUTS and I would call you to rant and rave on the way home about what a nimrod he/she is. The only thing to console me is that now you see all and you see everyday how annoying he/she is and you know exactly what I have been talking about all these years... I love you so much and want you here. When I would complain of something hurting, you said, "oh, I've had worse places in my eye" so everytime I think of my heart crumbling, I hope you aren't watching this all unfold and actually have a pain in your eyes. We are going to be okay, it's just going to really suck for a while.

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Feedback

I can't tell you all the things I have heard from people about you. A coworker of Tara's read the blog and realized that she needed to get in a better relationship with her mother. Your neighbor said that her son saw a book from the library that was in memory of you and he said, "so everytime someone read this, they will think of Mrs. Teri?" Yep, that's it! Every time we do so many things we think of you. Every day is another reason for us to think of you and be thankful that we had you for as long as we did. I love you so much and everyday I am so thankful that I had you to make me the person I am. I am so thankful that you, a little bit of you, is here with me every day of my entire life.

Daddy and I were going to Fayetteville this weekend but we have snow in Memphis so I guess that is out of the question. Every time it snows, I think of the time in college when I wanted to come home so badly to see my boyfriend and you were adament that I not drive in that weather. I stood at the payphones and said, "how in the world does she know how the roads are in Conway when she is sitting at 309 Crabb Lane?" I never told you, but thank you for not letting me come home. Natalie and I had great fun "sledding" in our laundry baskets on campus. You know, every thing happens for a reason....

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Thirty-two Years

Today is your 32nd wedding anniversary. I don't even know what to say to Daddy today. We are going to bring your flowers to the cemetary on Saturday when I arrive so when you don't have anything today, don't get bent out of shape!!! You know we love you and you know that we have most certainly not forgotten. We never could.

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Woo Pig Sooie

The last game that you guys went to was on 12/2 and you were pretty confused then, I kept telling Daddy to please not lose you at the arena. I was so afraid you would go to the bathroom and wander off and he would never forgive himself. But, this weekend is the last weekend game that we have tickets to so he and I are going to go. We will be staying with the Medders after the game so I am hoping that will make the trip a little different from the ones that you two made together. How many times did you say that your seats were, "you know, right above the piggie's little tail"? How can I ever see that darn piggie tail again and not think of you? I think this will be the first trip that daddy and I have made to Fayetteville alone since I was in high school. Remember when we would go up there and make fun of how he parked a zillion miles away from the entrance?

I met this girl online with the brain tumor associaition website who has almost the same story as I do. She emailed me her journal entries of her mom's journey and it was scarily similar. She foudn out a little before you, but was 63 and died on the 23rd. It is so scary/refreshing/comforting/very scary to know someone else has gone through the same thing. I would never want anyone else to ever see this for themselves. Do you remember when you stayed with me in August and the little old lady down the street kept me out in the yard talking forever? You finally came out and said I had a phone call to get me away. Ever since then, she asks "how's momma?" when she sees me. Of course, I have been gone for so many mornings and today is the first time I have seen her and of course she asked about you. I hated to have to tell her. I love you so much and miss you so much already.

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Prayers and Hope

Today was my weekly visit to Wynne to visit Daddy. Neall & Becca were there as well for lunch. I made a recipe that I got from Mrs. Draper--really spicy with lots of sausage and shrimp that you would never been able to eat. People tell me that God has a reason for doing this, I can't even imagine what could be worth taking you from us, but I am trying to be patient and to let it come to me. I wonder if it is so that Daddy and I can get closer. I always said that Daddy was so quiet only becuase he never really had a chance to talk with you around. Maybe I was on to something... we talk everyday now. I have always known that I am so lucky and that Daddy loves me like every little girl deserves but I remember how anytime I called and asked to talk to him, you always said, "what's wrong????" Usually something was, my car got broke in to or broke down, or something fun like football or politics. But now we talk. We actually talk about stuff--like how bad this sucks, how much we miss you or what you would want us to do. Maybe this is one of those reasons. I have to also say that my belief and trust in prayer has strengthened. As sad as I am, I really have not had that many just total meltdowns. I expected to be beyond grief and unable to even function right now. All of my friends are amazed at how strong I have been, but I don't think I am that strong. I have thought all along that it was just that I was still in shock and the reality had not set in yet. It dawned on me today that it the prayers of so many people that is keeping me afloat. Those prayers are keeping me alive and allowing me to hold on to your memories and to your personality and your zest and your passion. I am able to right now, right at this moment, who knows what I will be like later, but right now, I am just so thrilled and realize how fortunate I am to have had you. There are so many friends that do not have a relationship with their moms like we did. How lucky am I? And how lucky am I for so many of your friends to love you so much that they love us in turn and are keeping us afloat? But regardless, I still wish you were here to be a part of it.

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Fun, fun!

I found this place that sells old Memphis City School furniture. It's actually pretty neat. I went looking for a two drawer file cabinet (and got one for $5!) and got John a record player. All I can think of when I see it is when we listened to Shakespeare on records in Mrs. Jenkins 9th grade English class. I am still trying to convince myself that in fact, I do not need a cafeteria table that folds up against the wall and has the little stools attached to it. (I could put it in the garage and have it for barbeques that we have in the summer--it's $25!) On Friday I got five of the student desks to decorate (paint the chairs and decoupage the desktops) for people's kids. As I shut the door on the back of my Jeep, I could literally hear you say "What in the world are you going to do with all this STUFF???" So I had to do one of the desks last night to show that it wasn't a bad idea to buy five $3 desks!! Below are the before and after pictures of the desk that I did for Janey (my friend Theresa's little girl). The pictures don't do it justice--it's really precious!!!

Domestication is overrated

Daddy found a bunch of recipes when he cleaned out the kitchen. Boxes and boxes of recipes. There was the little metal box of grandma's recipes that were worn and torn and stained and then there was this box of yours. You can see that not a single corner is bent, not a stain on a single card and not a card out of order from the content card at the beginning of each section. Hmmm. I bet this was a wedding gift (guessing from the avocado green color that matches the fridge we used to have)--that was never used. Yesterday I decided that I was going to start making dinner everynight, no more Taco Bell for us. So, I went through the Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library and found something that we had all the ingredients for (well, for the most part) and we had Zippy Beef Casserole last night. It was good, I don't know that I would necessarily consider it Zippy, but good. I think Betty Crocker has a theory that you can mix cream of mushroom soup with anything and it's a meal. Not that I disagree, I am just saying that seems to be her train of thought. At 8:30 when I finally got the dishes done, I told John that yet again, you were right, this cooking thing is for the birds and we are going out to eat tonight.

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