Days I Miss You The Most

Where does this list start? Today I am on day three of a crappy cold. I remember every time I was sick in the past few years and of course since we talked every day, you knew I felt bad, and would always say “do you want me to come over there and take care of you?” I always said no but really wanted you to and could kick myself now that I didn’t let you. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had come over every Sunday in the past instead of waiting until now to realize that this was a practice I needed to do. What was I thinking? I am so glad to have gotten to a point that Daddy and I talk on the phone daily but I can’t help but feel that no matter how wonderful it is, it’s not worth the price we had to pay for it. I found out last week that I am going to Washington, DC for a week in April and of course, I thought of you going with me when I had to go to New York last year on business. So, I called Daddy to see if he wanted to go and to my surprise, he quickly was on board. Well, now this has turned into a family affair and I think Neall is going to go with us. How fun will this be? But then, I can only think of how you would have absolutely loved to have a family vacation with the four of us as adults. I know you are so glad we are going but shit! Shit, shit, shit! You should be here with us. Why did we never do this before? Why not last year or six months ago, even before we knew you were sick? It is not that we didn’t love as much then, it is not that we didn’t know how much we loved you, but we never imagined a day that you would not be here. We never even thought we would run out of time.

Frogs, Dogs and Hogs

Well, Friday we started the biannual white-death-get-to-the-store-for-bread-and-milk snow experiences we have here in Memphis. I really don't know that the roads were that bad, but it did take me an hour to get home from work on Friday, and I left at 4pm--this being an 8.5 minute drive in the morning. So it snowed and snowed and froze on Friday night and then all melted by Saturday at eleven. By that time, Daddy and I decided not to risk going to Fayetteville so we were here for the weekend. Here you can see that my little luau frog in the flower bed has a little ice drip going on. And yes, I know that I need to re-mulch the flower bed. So there you have the frogs portion of the post--frogs with frozen snot-- and the hogs portion--we didn't get to see them finally win a game. But the dogs portion! Oh this is bad! So, my little heathens in the backyard. You know how they like to catch a good vermin every now and then. Usually John is able to do take care of the after effects for me but the other day, I went outside and there were the remnants right there! John was already gone for work and I told myself that now that I was officially the Mama (never will anyone be another Momma) around here, I had to grow up and take care of this. Put all fears aside and get over this. I tried to think of you being there telling me how silly I was being to be afraid of a little dead rat and to just take care of it. So, I got my short little shovel that I use for my flower bed (maybe now with all my new confidence, I will use a big kid shovel this summer) and I went to task. After many, "oh my God"s and "ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"s, I finally got it on the shovel and promptly flicked it in the neighbor's yard. Seriously, you would have thought that I had ran a marathon with the pride I had at work, telling everyone, "I flicked a rat!! I did it!" I am so proud of me! You know all about my unreasonable fear of mice and such--it was such a moment! I had no one to call to brag though. I called a couple of folks but no one answered the phone at such an early hour so I had to just know that you knew and were impressed.

Today is one month since you have been gone. It seems like fifteen months. Everything that should be getting easier is getting harder. Every day hurts a little more when it should be hurting less. I don't know what to do or what to say to anyone. There is one person at work that DRIVES ME NUTS and I would call you to rant and rave on the way home about what a nimrod he/she is. The only thing to console me is that now you see all and you see everyday how annoying he/she is and you know exactly what I have been talking about all these years... I love you so much and want you here. When I would complain of something hurting, you said, "oh, I've had worse places in my eye" so everytime I think of my heart crumbling, I hope you aren't watching this all unfold and actually have a pain in your eyes. We are going to be okay, it's just going to really suck for a while.

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Feedback

I can't tell you all the things I have heard from people about you. A coworker of Tara's read the blog and realized that she needed to get in a better relationship with her mother. Your neighbor said that her son saw a book from the library that was in memory of you and he said, "so everytime someone read this, they will think of Mrs. Teri?" Yep, that's it! Every time we do so many things we think of you. Every day is another reason for us to think of you and be thankful that we had you for as long as we did. I love you so much and everyday I am so thankful that I had you to make me the person I am. I am so thankful that you, a little bit of you, is here with me every day of my entire life.

Daddy and I were going to Fayetteville this weekend but we have snow in Memphis so I guess that is out of the question. Every time it snows, I think of the time in college when I wanted to come home so badly to see my boyfriend and you were adament that I not drive in that weather. I stood at the payphones and said, "how in the world does she know how the roads are in Conway when she is sitting at 309 Crabb Lane?" I never told you, but thank you for not letting me come home. Natalie and I had great fun "sledding" in our laundry baskets on campus. You know, every thing happens for a reason....

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Thirty-two Years

Today is your 32nd wedding anniversary. I don't even know what to say to Daddy today. We are going to bring your flowers to the cemetary on Saturday when I arrive so when you don't have anything today, don't get bent out of shape!!! You know we love you and you know that we have most certainly not forgotten. We never could.

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Woo Pig Sooie

The last game that you guys went to was on 12/2 and you were pretty confused then, I kept telling Daddy to please not lose you at the arena. I was so afraid you would go to the bathroom and wander off and he would never forgive himself. But, this weekend is the last weekend game that we have tickets to so he and I are going to go. We will be staying with the Medders after the game so I am hoping that will make the trip a little different from the ones that you two made together. How many times did you say that your seats were, "you know, right above the piggie's little tail"? How can I ever see that darn piggie tail again and not think of you? I think this will be the first trip that daddy and I have made to Fayetteville alone since I was in high school. Remember when we would go up there and make fun of how he parked a zillion miles away from the entrance?

I met this girl online with the brain tumor associaition website who has almost the same story as I do. She emailed me her journal entries of her mom's journey and it was scarily similar. She foudn out a little before you, but was 63 and died on the 23rd. It is so scary/refreshing/comforting/very scary to know someone else has gone through the same thing. I would never want anyone else to ever see this for themselves. Do you remember when you stayed with me in August and the little old lady down the street kept me out in the yard talking forever? You finally came out and said I had a phone call to get me away. Ever since then, she asks "how's momma?" when she sees me. Of course, I have been gone for so many mornings and today is the first time I have seen her and of course she asked about you. I hated to have to tell her. I love you so much and miss you so much already.

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Prayers and Hope

Today was my weekly visit to Wynne to visit Daddy. Neall & Becca were there as well for lunch. I made a recipe that I got from Mrs. Draper--really spicy with lots of sausage and shrimp that you would never been able to eat. People tell me that God has a reason for doing this, I can't even imagine what could be worth taking you from us, but I am trying to be patient and to let it come to me. I wonder if it is so that Daddy and I can get closer. I always said that Daddy was so quiet only becuase he never really had a chance to talk with you around. Maybe I was on to something... we talk everyday now. I have always known that I am so lucky and that Daddy loves me like every little girl deserves but I remember how anytime I called and asked to talk to him, you always said, "what's wrong????" Usually something was, my car got broke in to or broke down, or something fun like football or politics. But now we talk. We actually talk about stuff--like how bad this sucks, how much we miss you or what you would want us to do. Maybe this is one of those reasons. I have to also say that my belief and trust in prayer has strengthened. As sad as I am, I really have not had that many just total meltdowns. I expected to be beyond grief and unable to even function right now. All of my friends are amazed at how strong I have been, but I don't think I am that strong. I have thought all along that it was just that I was still in shock and the reality had not set in yet. It dawned on me today that it the prayers of so many people that is keeping me afloat. Those prayers are keeping me alive and allowing me to hold on to your memories and to your personality and your zest and your passion. I am able to right now, right at this moment, who knows what I will be like later, but right now, I am just so thrilled and realize how fortunate I am to have had you. There are so many friends that do not have a relationship with their moms like we did. How lucky am I? And how lucky am I for so many of your friends to love you so much that they love us in turn and are keeping us afloat? But regardless, I still wish you were here to be a part of it.

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Fun, fun!

I found this place that sells old Memphis City School furniture. It's actually pretty neat. I went looking for a two drawer file cabinet (and got one for $5!) and got John a record player. All I can think of when I see it is when we listened to Shakespeare on records in Mrs. Jenkins 9th grade English class. I am still trying to convince myself that in fact, I do not need a cafeteria table that folds up against the wall and has the little stools attached to it. (I could put it in the garage and have it for barbeques that we have in the summer--it's $25!) On Friday I got five of the student desks to decorate (paint the chairs and decoupage the desktops) for people's kids. As I shut the door on the back of my Jeep, I could literally hear you say "What in the world are you going to do with all this STUFF???" So I had to do one of the desks last night to show that it wasn't a bad idea to buy five $3 desks!! Below are the before and after pictures of the desk that I did for Janey (my friend Theresa's little girl). The pictures don't do it justice--it's really precious!!!

Domestication is overrated

Daddy found a bunch of recipes when he cleaned out the kitchen. Boxes and boxes of recipes. There was the little metal box of grandma's recipes that were worn and torn and stained and then there was this box of yours. You can see that not a single corner is bent, not a stain on a single card and not a card out of order from the content card at the beginning of each section. Hmmm. I bet this was a wedding gift (guessing from the avocado green color that matches the fridge we used to have)--that was never used. Yesterday I decided that I was going to start making dinner everynight, no more Taco Bell for us. So, I went through the Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library and found something that we had all the ingredients for (well, for the most part) and we had Zippy Beef Casserole last night. It was good, I don't know that I would necessarily consider it Zippy, but good. I think Betty Crocker has a theory that you can mix cream of mushroom soup with anything and it's a meal. Not that I disagree, I am just saying that seems to be her train of thought. At 8:30 when I finally got the dishes done, I told John that yet again, you were right, this cooking thing is for the birds and we are going out to eat tonight.

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