Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Week 17
We get to find out in 12 days if we are having a boy or a girl. I am giddy with excitement--John seems to be as well, but that might be that he is giddy to get me to quit asking him whether he wants a boy or a girl. Here is Week 17's photo. Wild, wild, wild. It's all so strange! Last night, I recited multiplication tables for B2 and John suggested tonight we go over state capitals with him/her. Of course, this weekend we will be learning about football. What a brilliant baby this will be!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Frumpy is as Frumpy does
The only thing that looks frumpier than a linen shirt by the afternoon is a linen maternity shirt.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Good day...
1. I got back B2’s triple screen test results and all is great. Now we can carry on in our regularly scheduled pre-baby excitement.
2. I got roses. And the card only said “I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe that I deserved my friends”. So, that ruled out John, that and I didn’t pay for them from our account. I finally discovered they are from someone who works for our data processing company that I had a very, very minor tiff with earlier in the week. We spend a good deal of our working day discussing the crucial things like college football so we have grown quite fond of each other. I am sure he is only trying to keep me on his good side so that I will cheer for his Ohio State Buckeyes with football season quickly approaching, but it was very, very sweet.
3. I got the best compliment from a 7 year old. My friend Gabby had to fill out this sheet for her homework the other day and one of the questions was “if you could have a teacher for the year, who would it be?” and she answered “Mrs. Tara”! Awww!!! I asked Rebecca if she was sure she didn’t know another Tara and she doesn’t, so it must be me!
2. I got roses. And the card only said “I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe that I deserved my friends”. So, that ruled out John, that and I didn’t pay for them from our account. I finally discovered they are from someone who works for our data processing company that I had a very, very minor tiff with earlier in the week. We spend a good deal of our working day discussing the crucial things like college football so we have grown quite fond of each other. I am sure he is only trying to keep me on his good side so that I will cheer for his Ohio State Buckeyes with football season quickly approaching, but it was very, very sweet.
3. I got the best compliment from a 7 year old. My friend Gabby had to fill out this sheet for her homework the other day and one of the questions was “if you could have a teacher for the year, who would it be?” and she answered “Mrs. Tara”! Awww!!! I asked Rebecca if she was sure she didn’t know another Tara and she doesn’t, so it must be me!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Scared shitless...
Ian Gregory Smith--the adorable son of my friend Ginger--is up for a fight. Please keep him and his family in your prayers. Saturday afternoon his mom found a knot on the back of his thigh. They went to the doctor yesterday afternoon just to get it checked out and found out this afternoon that he has cancer. Tomorrow they will go to St. Jude's for the first time. Please keep them in your prayers.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I want my mom
It hits me at the most random times. Not at all when you would think. For example, I did really good on Mother's Day but then seeing a grandma with her kids at Wal-Mart can send me over the edge. This started it yesterday: 
The finger spacer at Knowledge Tree. I went there to pick up something for a friend's daughter for the first day of school and saw this at the checkout counter. You always told the story about my "rivers" whenever you saw Mrs. Rose, my first grade teacher. Neall slammed my finger in the door and locked it when I was in first grade--my first and only stitiches. I had this big bandage on my finger and I couldn't curl it down to use my index finger for making my rivers when writing. I cried and cried in fear that I would never go to second grade for not being to make my rivers. So, I saw this at Knowledge Tree and couldn't stop thinking of you. It's just little things like this that make it all so hard. The life part of everyday makes it hard.
And selfish. The most selfish parts of it are what makes it all so sad. I feel like a chunk of my childhood died with you. Who knows how old I was when I took my first steps? You did. I remember that I was talking around nine months and potty-trained before two years, but I only knew that for bragging purposes so how do I know when my child is on track or behind? All the little details of my childhood are forgotten now. Men don't remember these things, women do and well, I was just a little too young to remember them at the time. Speaking of selfish, who is going to be with me when I have this baby? And when I come home? It was supposed to be you. And John's mom.
Yesterday, I got home from my shopping excursion about noon and talked to John for a bit and went to laydown and take a nap. I didn't mean to but I couldn't help but start thinking as I was laying there, I started thinking and just lost it. I didn't realize he could hear me but John came in there to see if I was okay and what he could do. All I could tell him was that "I miss my mom". He's so helpless. I hate doing this to him, he's been through it, he knows how hard it is to be without your mom, it is not right to be thirty years old and not have a momma in this world but he also knows that it is different with men and women and he doesn't know what to say. So, we went and got fried chicken--what can that not fix? So the rest of the afternoon was spent with me being exhausted from my emotional breakdown and John in the midst of spinning all of his own thoughts and grief around in his mind--I hate doing this to him.
A friend lost her dad this summer and then only 2 1/2 months later, lost her mom. I felt so lost and didn't know what to say to her. For the first time, I think I understood what my friends went through when it all happened to me. I know that I can call anyone to talk but how awkward and odd would it feel to just call a friend up: "Hey, what are you doing?", "Nothing, what about you?", "Oh just sittin' here thinking about how my mom died, wanna talk about it?". There is a thin line between talking about grief and whining about what you have lost and no one wants to be the wrong side of that line.
Who would have thought that most important lesson you would try to teach me would be you simply not being here?
The finger spacer at Knowledge Tree. I went there to pick up something for a friend's daughter for the first day of school and saw this at the checkout counter. You always told the story about my "rivers" whenever you saw Mrs. Rose, my first grade teacher. Neall slammed my finger in the door and locked it when I was in first grade--my first and only stitiches. I had this big bandage on my finger and I couldn't curl it down to use my index finger for making my rivers when writing. I cried and cried in fear that I would never go to second grade for not being to make my rivers. So, I saw this at Knowledge Tree and couldn't stop thinking of you. It's just little things like this that make it all so hard. The life part of everyday makes it hard.And selfish. The most selfish parts of it are what makes it all so sad. I feel like a chunk of my childhood died with you. Who knows how old I was when I took my first steps? You did. I remember that I was talking around nine months and potty-trained before two years, but I only knew that for bragging purposes so how do I know when my child is on track or behind? All the little details of my childhood are forgotten now. Men don't remember these things, women do and well, I was just a little too young to remember them at the time. Speaking of selfish, who is going to be with me when I have this baby? And when I come home? It was supposed to be you. And John's mom.
Yesterday, I got home from my shopping excursion about noon and talked to John for a bit and went to laydown and take a nap. I didn't mean to but I couldn't help but start thinking as I was laying there, I started thinking and just lost it. I didn't realize he could hear me but John came in there to see if I was okay and what he could do. All I could tell him was that "I miss my mom". He's so helpless. I hate doing this to him, he's been through it, he knows how hard it is to be without your mom, it is not right to be thirty years old and not have a momma in this world but he also knows that it is different with men and women and he doesn't know what to say. So, we went and got fried chicken--what can that not fix? So the rest of the afternoon was spent with me being exhausted from my emotional breakdown and John in the midst of spinning all of his own thoughts and grief around in his mind--I hate doing this to him.
A friend lost her dad this summer and then only 2 1/2 months later, lost her mom. I felt so lost and didn't know what to say to her. For the first time, I think I understood what my friends went through when it all happened to me. I know that I can call anyone to talk but how awkward and odd would it feel to just call a friend up: "Hey, what are you doing?", "Nothing, what about you?", "Oh just sittin' here thinking about how my mom died, wanna talk about it?". There is a thin line between talking about grief and whining about what you have lost and no one wants to be the wrong side of that line.
Who would have thought that most important lesson you would try to teach me would be you simply not being here?
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Time Management is Overrated
I went to Wal-Mart at lunch to return some sheets and get some light shopping done. For weeks I have said that I needed to get my eyebrows waxed or I would not be able to see much longer. In an effort to better manage my time, I went ahead and got them waxed at the hair salon at Wal-Mart. I think I may have overdone it this time since now my fair, fair skin is red and blotchy and I think that wax might have been heating for a week straight.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Happy Birthday Janey!
Yesterday was Janey's 2nd birthday party. It was great fun and I must admit my first doll cake was a success! (She had a small incident with a coffee table two days before her party that gave her the black eyes!) 
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Internet drama at home...
Horror of horrors, my wireless internet connection at home was down last night. Normally I would have tinkered with it then but seeing as it would have involved me staying awake past 8pm and getting up off the couch, I passed on it. So my planned posting was delayed a day…
Yesterday was the first birthday we have had without you here. What a strange thing it was. Since we all have birthdays within a month of each other, we always celebrated them together. We only celebrated Neall’s this weekend—we figured we could go ahead and spread them out, why not? Grandma Jackson got to come down and finally see Neall and Becca’s new house—with her dining room table in place, of course!! It was so strange being there without you flitting around being so silly and singing. You would be so proud of him now. He’s so grown up! We always giggled at Daddy when he got his “phone voice” at home. When someone from work called, he turned about two octaves lower and answered “this is Richard Jackson”. I half expected Neall to do the same when one of his patients called while he was opening presents. Somewhere along the way, this little kid with a flat top turned into such a grown-up and I can’t wait to see what a great uncle he is going to be. 
Yesterday was the first birthday we have had without you here. What a strange thing it was. Since we all have birthdays within a month of each other, we always celebrated them together. We only celebrated Neall’s this weekend—we figured we could go ahead and spread them out, why not? Grandma Jackson got to come down and finally see Neall and Becca’s new house—with her dining room table in place, of course!! It was so strange being there without you flitting around being so silly and singing. You would be so proud of him now. He’s so grown up! We always giggled at Daddy when he got his “phone voice” at home. When someone from work called, he turned about two octaves lower and answered “this is Richard Jackson”. I half expected Neall to do the same when one of his patients called while he was opening presents. Somewhere along the way, this little kid with a flat top turned into such a grown-up and I can’t wait to see what a great uncle he is going to be. 
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