Days I Miss You The Most

Where does this list start? Today I am on day three of a crappy cold. I remember every time I was sick in the past few years and of course since we talked every day, you knew I felt bad, and would always say “do you want me to come over there and take care of you?” I always said no but really wanted you to and could kick myself now that I didn’t let you. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had come over every Sunday in the past instead of waiting until now to realize that this was a practice I needed to do. What was I thinking? I am so glad to have gotten to a point that Daddy and I talk on the phone daily but I can’t help but feel that no matter how wonderful it is, it’s not worth the price we had to pay for it. I found out last week that I am going to Washington, DC for a week in April and of course, I thought of you going with me when I had to go to New York last year on business. So, I called Daddy to see if he wanted to go and to my surprise, he quickly was on board. Well, now this has turned into a family affair and I think Neall is going to go with us. How fun will this be? But then, I can only think of how you would have absolutely loved to have a family vacation with the four of us as adults. I know you are so glad we are going but shit! Shit, shit, shit! You should be here with us. Why did we never do this before? Why not last year or six months ago, even before we knew you were sick? It is not that we didn’t love as much then, it is not that we didn’t know how much we loved you, but we never imagined a day that you would not be here. We never even thought we would run out of time.

Frogs, Dogs and Hogs

Well, Friday we started the biannual white-death-get-to-the-store-for-bread-and-milk snow experiences we have here in Memphis. I really don't know that the roads were that bad, but it did take me an hour to get home from work on Friday, and I left at 4pm--this being an 8.5 minute drive in the morning. So it snowed and snowed and froze on Friday night and then all melted by Saturday at eleven. By that time, Daddy and I decided not to risk going to Fayetteville so we were here for the weekend. Here you can see that my little luau frog in the flower bed has a little ice drip going on. And yes, I know that I need to re-mulch the flower bed. So there you have the frogs portion of the post--frogs with frozen snot-- and the hogs portion--we didn't get to see them finally win a game. But the dogs portion! Oh this is bad! So, my little heathens in the backyard. You know how they like to catch a good vermin every now and then. Usually John is able to do take care of the after effects for me but the other day, I went outside and there were the remnants right there! John was already gone for work and I told myself that now that I was officially the Mama (never will anyone be another Momma) around here, I had to grow up and take care of this. Put all fears aside and get over this. I tried to think of you being there telling me how silly I was being to be afraid of a little dead rat and to just take care of it. So, I got my short little shovel that I use for my flower bed (maybe now with all my new confidence, I will use a big kid shovel this summer) and I went to task. After many, "oh my God"s and "ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"s, I finally got it on the shovel and promptly flicked it in the neighbor's yard. Seriously, you would have thought that I had ran a marathon with the pride I had at work, telling everyone, "I flicked a rat!! I did it!" I am so proud of me! You know all about my unreasonable fear of mice and such--it was such a moment! I had no one to call to brag though. I called a couple of folks but no one answered the phone at such an early hour so I had to just know that you knew and were impressed.

Today is one month since you have been gone. It seems like fifteen months. Everything that should be getting easier is getting harder. Every day hurts a little more when it should be hurting less. I don't know what to do or what to say to anyone. There is one person at work that DRIVES ME NUTS and I would call you to rant and rave on the way home about what a nimrod he/she is. The only thing to console me is that now you see all and you see everyday how annoying he/she is and you know exactly what I have been talking about all these years... I love you so much and want you here. When I would complain of something hurting, you said, "oh, I've had worse places in my eye" so everytime I think of my heart crumbling, I hope you aren't watching this all unfold and actually have a pain in your eyes. We are going to be okay, it's just going to really suck for a while.

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Feedback

I can't tell you all the things I have heard from people about you. A coworker of Tara's read the blog and realized that she needed to get in a better relationship with her mother. Your neighbor said that her son saw a book from the library that was in memory of you and he said, "so everytime someone read this, they will think of Mrs. Teri?" Yep, that's it! Every time we do so many things we think of you. Every day is another reason for us to think of you and be thankful that we had you for as long as we did. I love you so much and everyday I am so thankful that I had you to make me the person I am. I am so thankful that you, a little bit of you, is here with me every day of my entire life.

Daddy and I were going to Fayetteville this weekend but we have snow in Memphis so I guess that is out of the question. Every time it snows, I think of the time in college when I wanted to come home so badly to see my boyfriend and you were adament that I not drive in that weather. I stood at the payphones and said, "how in the world does she know how the roads are in Conway when she is sitting at 309 Crabb Lane?" I never told you, but thank you for not letting me come home. Natalie and I had great fun "sledding" in our laundry baskets on campus. You know, every thing happens for a reason....

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Thirty-two Years

Today is your 32nd wedding anniversary. I don't even know what to say to Daddy today. We are going to bring your flowers to the cemetary on Saturday when I arrive so when you don't have anything today, don't get bent out of shape!!! You know we love you and you know that we have most certainly not forgotten. We never could.

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Woo Pig Sooie

The last game that you guys went to was on 12/2 and you were pretty confused then, I kept telling Daddy to please not lose you at the arena. I was so afraid you would go to the bathroom and wander off and he would never forgive himself. But, this weekend is the last weekend game that we have tickets to so he and I are going to go. We will be staying with the Medders after the game so I am hoping that will make the trip a little different from the ones that you two made together. How many times did you say that your seats were, "you know, right above the piggie's little tail"? How can I ever see that darn piggie tail again and not think of you? I think this will be the first trip that daddy and I have made to Fayetteville alone since I was in high school. Remember when we would go up there and make fun of how he parked a zillion miles away from the entrance?

I met this girl online with the brain tumor associaition website who has almost the same story as I do. She emailed me her journal entries of her mom's journey and it was scarily similar. She foudn out a little before you, but was 63 and died on the 23rd. It is so scary/refreshing/comforting/very scary to know someone else has gone through the same thing. I would never want anyone else to ever see this for themselves. Do you remember when you stayed with me in August and the little old lady down the street kept me out in the yard talking forever? You finally came out and said I had a phone call to get me away. Ever since then, she asks "how's momma?" when she sees me. Of course, I have been gone for so many mornings and today is the first time I have seen her and of course she asked about you. I hated to have to tell her. I love you so much and miss you so much already.

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Prayers and Hope

Today was my weekly visit to Wynne to visit Daddy. Neall & Becca were there as well for lunch. I made a recipe that I got from Mrs. Draper--really spicy with lots of sausage and shrimp that you would never been able to eat. People tell me that God has a reason for doing this, I can't even imagine what could be worth taking you from us, but I am trying to be patient and to let it come to me. I wonder if it is so that Daddy and I can get closer. I always said that Daddy was so quiet only becuase he never really had a chance to talk with you around. Maybe I was on to something... we talk everyday now. I have always known that I am so lucky and that Daddy loves me like every little girl deserves but I remember how anytime I called and asked to talk to him, you always said, "what's wrong????" Usually something was, my car got broke in to or broke down, or something fun like football or politics. But now we talk. We actually talk about stuff--like how bad this sucks, how much we miss you or what you would want us to do. Maybe this is one of those reasons. I have to also say that my belief and trust in prayer has strengthened. As sad as I am, I really have not had that many just total meltdowns. I expected to be beyond grief and unable to even function right now. All of my friends are amazed at how strong I have been, but I don't think I am that strong. I have thought all along that it was just that I was still in shock and the reality had not set in yet. It dawned on me today that it the prayers of so many people that is keeping me afloat. Those prayers are keeping me alive and allowing me to hold on to your memories and to your personality and your zest and your passion. I am able to right now, right at this moment, who knows what I will be like later, but right now, I am just so thrilled and realize how fortunate I am to have had you. There are so many friends that do not have a relationship with their moms like we did. How lucky am I? And how lucky am I for so many of your friends to love you so much that they love us in turn and are keeping us afloat? But regardless, I still wish you were here to be a part of it.

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Fun, fun!

I found this place that sells old Memphis City School furniture. It's actually pretty neat. I went looking for a two drawer file cabinet (and got one for $5!) and got John a record player. All I can think of when I see it is when we listened to Shakespeare on records in Mrs. Jenkins 9th grade English class. I am still trying to convince myself that in fact, I do not need a cafeteria table that folds up against the wall and has the little stools attached to it. (I could put it in the garage and have it for barbeques that we have in the summer--it's $25!) On Friday I got five of the student desks to decorate (paint the chairs and decoupage the desktops) for people's kids. As I shut the door on the back of my Jeep, I could literally hear you say "What in the world are you going to do with all this STUFF???" So I had to do one of the desks last night to show that it wasn't a bad idea to buy five $3 desks!! Below are the before and after pictures of the desk that I did for Janey (my friend Theresa's little girl). The pictures don't do it justice--it's really precious!!!

Domestication is overrated

Daddy found a bunch of recipes when he cleaned out the kitchen. Boxes and boxes of recipes. There was the little metal box of grandma's recipes that were worn and torn and stained and then there was this box of yours. You can see that not a single corner is bent, not a stain on a single card and not a card out of order from the content card at the beginning of each section. Hmmm. I bet this was a wedding gift (guessing from the avocado green color that matches the fridge we used to have)--that was never used. Yesterday I decided that I was going to start making dinner everynight, no more Taco Bell for us. So, I went through the Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library and found something that we had all the ingredients for (well, for the most part) and we had Zippy Beef Casserole last night. It was good, I don't know that I would necessarily consider it Zippy, but good. I think Betty Crocker has a theory that you can mix cream of mushroom soup with anything and it's a meal. Not that I disagree, I am just saying that seems to be her train of thought. At 8:30 when I finally got the dishes done, I told John that yet again, you were right, this cooking thing is for the birds and we are going out to eat tonight.

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I lied.

Yesterday was not better and I may very well be a pity party.

So, I do in fact have a dining rooom table top, I discovered last night. After weeks of running in and out of the house, always bringing more and more and more stuff in, I finally got some similance of normalcy to the dining room again. All of grandma's boxes are put somewhere. I am not saying that I went through everything but I did get the boxes of photos all put in an orderly line in my office, the furniture is in the basement, the fifteen boxes of unopened lotions are in my bathroom closet, you get the picture. Not too long ago, Neall and I were talking with someone about if our houses caught on fire, what we would get out. Neall said he could be out in a second because he had a small box with all his valuables on the dresser and that valet beside the bed. I would likely burn to death trying to get back up those narrow basement stairs with all the stuff that is special down there, your clothes, purses, shoes, etc., really, the vision of me with fifteen purses thrown around my neck and all these clothes and shoes in hand is quite comical, then, I would have stop and pick up grandma's china in the dining room and her armoire from the guest/"God-please-let-this-be-a-nursery-soon" room, then into the Razorback room to get all the pictures and every birthday card, anniversary card, thank you card, just you love me card you ever gave me (and yes, all these cards and filed and labeled accordingly among all my "special" cards) . But it is all put somewhere at this point so I can back to my photo scanning project. I am conservatively estimating that I have in the neighborhood of 5,000 photos to scan eventually.

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What a day...

We went today to get every single last thing out of grandma's apartment. Wow. Daddy said we needed to take both my Jeep and your Pilot and Neall and I thought he was nuts, but he was so very right. Jeez, how much should one child have to admit her parents are right all the time? I am sure I have reached my quota. So the cars were both completely filled. I even had to open the back window on my truck to slide stuff in for fear of opening the back hatch and it all falling onto the parking lot. But it's all out. All of it. Mrs. Bonady volunteered to take the clothes to the workshop for me tomorrow if I left them on her carport. I left 12 trash bags! That might not have been what she had in mind--but I am so thankful to have her do it for me. But the rest has come home with me. We got rid of so much but there was a lot that we didn't want to get rid of--Daddy wanted to keep her dining room set and I couldn't stand to get rid of her bedroom suite, but it's all collected in my basement so there is a little tiny second home down there at this point. Also since Tara and I are about to take up quilting so I brought home her quilting stands too, so this should be interesting. John might very well have reached his breaking point I must say. I told him when we bought the house that if he let me do whatever I wanted upstairs, that he could have the entire basement for all his fun. Slowly, but surely, I have taken over the two small rooms downstairs. One is now my closet (which, is wonderful I must say--I am the envy of chicks everywhere with that closet and with all the clothes of yours I brought home, I needed the room but I am almost full down there too) and the other is my gift room now mutating into an art room with the quilting and painting stuff. He balked a little at me taking those rooms but then when I put a bedroom suite and a dining room set in the remaining area, I got THE LOOK. Hmmm... we'll see how much longer he lets me get by with this. Before you know it, that poor guy is going to be stuck with the little single size closet in our bedroom as the only thing that is his and his alone. The painting that I did for Tara as a joke! is something she really liked. The photo above is the painting in her bathroom. When they moved in, they had pink and black tile! Can you imagine! So of course in her infinite wisdom, she made it the best ever by doing it all in Elvis. I mean, we are in Memphis right? So, after we saw a painting of in Little Rock titled Jesus loves Elvis, I told her I would paint her one and she hung it up! The photo at the top is it in all it's glory. So funny. The Elvis cow is the Cow Parade that Aunt Mutt gave you one year for Christmas. You can't imagine how Tara loved it--she loves you so much and I only thought it appropriate for her to have it now.

The other big news of the week is the sweet comments made for you at the Chamber of Commerce banquet Thursday night. When discussing the Ambassadors, they showed a photo of you and Daddy at last year's banquet and said great things about you. Who couldn't??? And at the very same meeting, they gave DeAngelo and Antonio awards for being such great role models for kids and ambassadors for the city. You and your favorite kid in the same banquet, quite impressive. Oh, momma, all the people who have your fingerprints on their lives. No one, ever, ever, ever will ever be like you. Today I miss you more than I have yet. Today was bad. Today was a day that the only person in the entire world that I wanted to call when I was so tired coming home wasn't there. Today was a day that I wanted to tell you how that I can only look at Daddy and see how much he loves you and that your poor pup Jasmine is so confused that she just kind of looks at you like "what the heck is going on". I should be able to call you and we would laugh at how silly they both were. It reminds me of when you were in Gulf Shores for the two weeks last year after Daddy and Jasmine came back to Wynne. I missed you then, even though we still talked every day but knowing you weren't an hour away was weird. It seems so much like that but I know that you aren't coming back--the two weeks mark was today and you aren't home and you aren't coming home. I love you so much and thank goodness I have not only my friends but your friends, if they weren't there for me, I don't know that I could do it. Tomorrow will be better--I am not going to be a pity party from here on out, I promise. I just really wanted you today and missed you more than usual. I love you...

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I Can See Clearly Now

Every year you give me the best Razorback presents for Christmas. This was one that you must have bought months ago and it will always be my second favorite since it was the last one you gave me. Well, I say that, but my REAL favorite Razorback gift is the other one you gave me this year. When I was the Fan of the Week in the Commercial Appeal, you went a little nutty and bought a zillion papers. When you went to the South Carolina game, you took it with you and I asked you why in the world you were doing that and you responded with "Because you never know who I might see". Of course, I rolled my eyes but a few hours later you called saying, "Guess who I saw?? Frank Broyles!" Anyone that knows you can see this entire scene being played out: You rush (probably in a semi-dance/semi-walk) up to Mr. Broyles, Daddy standing back with that "what I am supposed to do to stop this?" look and you tell him that you are from Wynne and you know so and so is from Wynne, "just to give him a connection" as you told me, and he said to send him the article and he'd have Houston Nutt sign it. Well, you did and he and Houston signed it and sent it back to you. The week after Thanksgiving, you dropped it off to be matted and framed. That was the last day you drove, pretty much the last day you were able to do much of any thing on your own and you and Mrs. Bonady are out toiling around town, and we found out about the tumor on the next Monday. Of course it looks great, and knowing the timing on it, makes it that much more special. It is hard to look at anything in my home that doesn't remind me of you.

But the glasses are yours. I have always loved those glasses on you so I took them and had my lenses put in the frames. So today, when everyone commented on my "new glasses", I got to tell them they were yours. I love it! So, I did an Elvis painting for Tara S. for her Elvis bathroom as a joke, and it turns out that everyone really likes it. So funny! I did it as a joke, but I think I may try to do some of this. I am going to try and get rid of one or two on eBay (that way there is complete anonymity) and see if anyone else likes other than Tara S (since she kind of has to...) to see if this could be something fun to do for a pastime. Thank goodness I have glasses with my current prescription in them to see well while I am an artiste! I am sure you are getting a kick out of it...

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Oh, Monday, Monday...

Today was my first day back at work and actually went okay. I had PLENTY of emails to go through when I got back, which took most of the morning and then went to work on some of the stuff I have neglected for the past few weeks while I have been "distracted". It is so weird how people act, it makes me really look at the way I behave when people have tragedies in their lives. Some coworkers said how sorry they were and then others just looked at the floor and ran away very quickly when they saw me. I know they just don't know what to say or how to act, but it is so very strange. I remember this guy whose wife died and when I went up to tell him how sorry I was, I started crying because I just felt so bad for him and then felt like such a jerk; I am sure there is some happy medium between the two though!!!

So, I am finally putting up all the laundry that has been lagging for the past two months and all the stuff I brought that was yours, and my goodness, I have a lot of STUFF and you know how big my closet is! I am almost a little embarrassed; I really have to go through all this and get rid of stuff. Ever since you got sick, I have worn either something of yours, something you gave me or something we bought together every day, even if it is just a bracelet or a pin. I am terrified to think how poorly dressed I will be without you here to help me pick stuff out! Or, how about everytime you go to Branson and you go to the Jockey store and stock up. Will I ever buy new underwear again that I don't think of you? Oprah says that you need to wear "big girl" panties to make you look ten pounds lighter (Tara S. keeps me up on Oprah's theories since I refuse to watch after she made that comment of working three jobs, blah blah blah, I am quite sure that Oprah has no idea what I was going through working two jobs and going to school for so long), and there were about twenty new pairs in a bag in your secret Christmas hiding spot (that was never that good of a hiddy spot) that I was so tickled to find. I gave Tara some and kept the rest and we thank you, so if anyone says we look thinner, we can only thank you. :)

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Here is the church, Here is the steeple, Open it up and see all the people...

Well I guess it is better late than never but you wanted me back in church and I went today. I have been wanting to get back into church for a long time but it is so difficult when you don't have family going to a church already and to just pop in somewhere by yourself. Excuses, excuses, I know. So, I knew this was the time I needed to start going--I need all the help and support I can get and I know that my faith and inner strenth is going to be tested now more than it ever has or ever will again. So, I went to Idlewild Presbyterian today. I wanted something that is close to my home and has a daycare (when these little ones ever show up and I have to put them in a daycare, I think I will be more comfortable with them somewhere that I go to church). I really liked it, everyone was really nice and they have a lot of opportunities for people my age to get involved and a volunteer program with their elementary school tutoring kids--oh to spread the love of math to little ones!! And even better, it's a formal church. I didn't want somewhere that wears jeans or anything like that--it's church! It's supposed to be dressy so I liked that as well. You should have seen me trying to get out of here. I of course overslept and was a basket case trying to get shoes on and out the door, and poor John gets the brunt of it as usual. I was a few minutes late, but I promised you when you left us that I would go, and I couldn't very well miss the first Sunday after that! I know that from now on, my life is going to be so very different. I am not ever going to have the typical family unit that I always imagined, one with a grandma and blood relatives for my kids, so I need to create a new family life for us. I mean really, can Daddy be expected to really do it all? We are going to start a new tradition where I come to Wynne every Sunday after I get out of church, which he seemed to like. Oh good grief, maybe we can go to Grandma's sometimes after that? Shesh! What a day this could turn into being!

I have visions of you and Grandma Ruth talking and laughing and shopping like you and I did and she couldn't while she was so sick, all the things you guys missed out on. Daddy is quite amazed at how much money you spent--I can't believe that, did he not have eyes to see all the stuff you always had around? I can imagine you and Mutt & Richard sitting on a beach somewhere having a nice glass of wine (now that you have acquired your taste for wine) and just laughing and cutting up. Oh, momma, I think these thoughts are the only thing that keep me sane right now. I miss you so much and it's only been a week.

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Sausage and Such

Daddy went to the grocery store today and bought stuff that he wanted--stuff that you would have never gotten! Sausage and mahi-mahi to fix at home (yes you can do that by the way, you don't have to get it at Landry's, you can actually make it at home in that thing called an oven). I asked if he got saurkraut and he said that was on the list for next time. Yucky. Tara and Theresa are coming over tonight to help me take down the Christmas tree finally. With me gone, I didn't want John taking it down becuase if he had broken a single Hog ornament that you have given me, I might have divorced him. But if I told him that, he might have done it on purpose. That boy, I swear, what in the world would I be doing without him? He's so good to me and holds me and lets me cry and scream and even pound on his chest.

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The First Day of the Rest of my Life

Today is the first day after you died, the services are over, and it's time to start living again. I have been in Wynne since Friday and Daddy made me leave today. We went this morning to pick out your headstone, we took photos of grandma's stone to get them the same, and then went to visit Grandma Jackson in Lonoke. Dad and I then went to Little Rock to get some stuff from the hospital and then had lunch at Red Lobster. I asked him where he wanted to go and that was his choice. After we got there, he told me that this was where you two went on December 5th before the MRI. I am sure that is why he wanted to go. Mom, you would be so proud of him. He is being so strong. Whether it is for Neall and I or not, I will never know, but he is being so strong. He loves you so much. He told me that he was going to plant your flowers this spring where you put the markers for them and that he was even going to go to Gulf Shores next January for a month like you did last year. To think that on the extended holiday last year, we were in Gulf Shores freezing in the wind and worrying about the house toppling over is just unreal. This photo of you and the girls tickles me to no end.

You cannot imagine how many folks were at your visitation. They ended up having to call the police to control traffic and there was a line wrapped around the building. The rumor at the funeral home was that there was close to 500 people there--of course, that was no surpise to us. Everyone loves you. You were the highlight of everyone's day. I have heard so many stories lately that I had no idea of about you! Sometimes I have to wonder if I knew you as well as I thought I did, but then I realize that you were just such a large life force that you can't be known by one person entirely. I tell Daddy stuff that shocks him, your girlfriends know things that we will never know and there is no telling what Daddy knows that no one knows--and with him being so mouthy (:)), there is no way we will ever know that stuff!! I think of how all of us were there this weekend and this week and how nothing would have made you happier. Me, Neall and Daddy of course, ET and T and Lance and Tina and the kids, Gary and the boys, Margaret, Sandy and Ruby. And Cathy flew in from Denver. How wonderful was that? It meant a lot to Daddy I think. Of course, Margaret and Cathy were bonding over their liberal ideals and I finally had to just leave them be! Can you imagine?? Cathy was earlier in the day reading a Jimmy Carter book and left it on the coffee table, I told her she was leaving that precariously close to our Reagan book and to be careful--hopefully she got my humor. I am so used to be the only right winger in a room and making remarks, I hope that Cathy took them in the way I meant them. We shall see.... I wrote her a long letter tonight and plan on doing so often. I want so dearly to hold on to the family we have.

Your brother. He loves you so much. He was looking at pictures of you as a little girl and said that you would run out in the yard and tell him to give you a smacker (asking for a kiss on the cheek). I think for the rest of my life, I will ask for smackers! And poor Bill at the funeral home, he was so sad about you leaving us and he told us how that everytime you called him, you hung up with saying "sweetheart". I can hear it now.

Mom, you will never know how many people love you--and no one loves you the way that I do. You are my mother, my best friend, and my sister all rolled in to one incredible vibrant person. Tara and I are going to take a quilting class so that we can make a quilt of all your pajamas. I want to have something to have you with me all the time. Maybe I will have enought left over to make a baby quilt as well. If that baby ever gets here, he or she will want to have you around all the time.

Oh my God! I almost forgot about the Red Hats! They love you so much, but you know that. They took you to the cemetary yesterday and did their own little ceremony. Oh momma, to be so tiny--Tara and I will always call you Twiggy!--you left the biggest hole in so many hearts. I hope that you knew that and I hope that you will always watch over me and know that everyday of my life is filled with me wishing you were here.

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