We most certainly made it through yesterday...

We made it. All of us, in one piece, made it through the first Mother's Day. I couldn't go out there to see your grave but I will this weekend. I needed to pretend yesterday as much as I could. But no matter, I missed you yesterday, as I do everyday. As Neall showed us his new house, I thought of how you would have loved it and how Daddy shouldn't have had to be there alone discussing flowers and gardens with them.

I planted some flowers, that I bought with a gift card from a very special friend, in a few "recycled" planters. I made sure to get stuff that will come back so that every year I think of you. A little way to keep busy yesterday and not think of you not being here. We love you so much, all of us, more,

Happy Birthday to Tara S

Tara turned thirty (this was not the first thirtieth birthday, I might add...) and we went out to celebrate. Here is a photo of Tara, me, and Theresa.

With Mother's Day weekend approaching...

I am so lucky to have so many people thinking of me during this time. While I was disgusted to see all the mother's day ads, especially the ones that came in my email, I have to say that I was more than a little upset at the blatant disregard they had for those of us that have no mothers. But then I realized that I do have a mom, she may not be here for me to touch, but dammit she is here. You are here in every step I take, in every breath and in every smile I see. You are here in every time I see someone act silly with their friends or every time I see someone hug someone. You are there. Every child I see, I think of how badly I want one of my own, and I cry that you won't be there to see him or her but then I realize that you will, just in your own way. How lucky am I to have such a good mom that let me be that little crappy preteen I see at Wal-Mart acting like a shit? I am horrified to see them now, I see how I was and I am so embarrassed. I think that I told you, especially as I grew older, how much I appreciated all the things that you did for me that you didn't have to do. I tried to tell you but I never realized the full extent of it until you weren't here. You didn't have to call me when I didn't call you by 750 am on my way to work, but you did. You didn't have to come here to help me clean house or to help me paint a Razorback room. And you certainly didn't have to listen to all my rants and raves on the way to work. But you did, because you loved me. And you continue to love me. I know that and as bad as you not being here sucks, it may be the best Mother's Day of them all since I appreciate all of the other days with you together into one Day, More,

Cooking sucks

I tried that darn cooking thing again and again I say, you were right, as usual. My friend Theresa called and I asked what time it was, 8:30. Whatever!! I started cooking and cleaning up as soon as I got home from work. That's it. As soon as we finish out this round of groceries, I am done with the cooking. Blah!

The godfather of soul less than ten feet away...

You know, I really love Memphis. I used to think of Wynne as my home and Memphis where I was living in between the time I grew up in Wynne and when I moved home. John and I were talking of moving home when we had our babies and there are such great schools there and those babies would need to be close to a great grandma, or as you liked to call your future self, Yia-Yia. After you left us, I knew I would never be able to go back. My life as I imagined it being is never going to happen so I have to create a new life for myself and my family-to-be, however strange that may be. In the time I have lived here, I have always felt a little emotional surge when I come over the bridge but I really am trying to fit myself into a niche here and find out where my new home base will take me. So, volunteering has been a big goal of mine. I have been doing volunteer work for the past year or so, every chance I get, but the last few months have made it even more desirable. When a coworker said she volunteered last year for Memphis in May, I went to the website and signed up immediately. I was so lucky to get enlisted in the hospitality committee. I had no idea how much fun it would be. I was so jealous of all the others that had done this for years. There are people that come from all over, Nashville, Little Rock, Jonesboro, to volunteer here for years because of the great fun. They all knew each other and what was going on but I caught on by the end of Sunday. I know now that I will be taking off on Friday and Monday, staying the entire time and getting a hotel room downtown from now on!!! And I am trying to convince Tara to join me.

I thought at first it was so boring, we just kind of sat back but I realized soon that I would never be able to go to the Music Fest again with the "other folk". Lots of room backstage, a tent, a chair, and not all that fuss. There were certainly the busy times, when we had to fulfill the "rider" the headliner sent, but it was great fun. Bands send a rider saying their requests for their trailer. Usually, only the headliner gets one, but today we had both Chicago and James Brown and they wanted a four page list fulfilled. It was hysterical! We had a buffet meal for the artists and their groups, usually consisting of the stage hands and the roadies, but I got to serve the members of Chicago ribs!!! I restrained myself from telling them that when I was a kid, we always listened to Jim Croche, Three Dog Night and Chicago on family vacations. I made that mistake once in college. We used to go to BJ's StarStudded Honky Tonk and one night Joe Klein was there and I told him how that I used to watch him play for the Hogs when I was a kid and he was like, yeah, great, I am so old. Looking about at his belly button, I tried to explain, no I didn't mean you were old, but it really did no good.

James Brown's group was there and had been for a while and when he finally arrived, it was all atwitter at the backstage area. While the others drove up in their band buses, he arrived in a white limo--driving over plywood to cover the mud! His personal assistant was waiting on him and the limo pulled up with a bodyguard opening the door. It was like a movie--this black boot came out, complete with the silver toes, and out he came. All five feet of him--seriously he did not weigh more than 120 pounds! It was hysterical. His wife obviously had no idea about Music Fest and the rain it always has since she had on her stiletto heels and floor length floral wrap dress. It was great! Stuff like this--I never would have imagined--getting ice and beer and ribs for famous folk; it is so exciting to me!

On Thursday night, we had a meeting down there prior to the festival. I got a ride on a golf cart back up to the parking area. As I rode on the back of the cart back towards the old bridge, I was looking back towards the new bridge and realized how I suddenly had the best vision and seat in the city at that moment. Seeing the river and the lights on the bridge, I was hit with the idea that you know, this can be a great town. It may not be what I wanted for a home, it may not hold all the things I wanted to give my family-to-be but it's mine and I love it. I am so lucky to have such a great second opportunity and I have to work even harder to make it the best it can ever be. I know you are watching all of this and I hope you are happy with it, every day is us only trying to figure out how to live again, More,

You gotta stop following me around...

Tara's birthday was Saturday so Friday night Theresa and I took her out to eat. We decided on Bari, an Italian restaurant a few blocks from my house. I was very distracted during dinner because this lady across the restaurant reminded me so much of you. It was not that she looked like you so much, but from the back and side, her hair and jawline were so similar to yours. She had several bracelets on her wrists, also like you. I tried to ignore it but I just keep getting distracted and staring. Finally I told the girls how sorry I was but this woman across the room looked so much like you and Tara said, "I know! I have been trying not to look and certainly not to tell you!" After I realized I was not crazy--after all, if 1 Tara thinks it, it might be off base but if 2 Taras think it, then it is officially fact--I had to take a picture of this woman with my phone... I know--nuts. Not a great photo but here it is...
It's pretty fuzzy but can you get a good idea of what was over there. I am officially a stalker now I suppose. I know that you wanted to be there. I tease about you and Aunt Mutt sitting on a beach now having a glass of wine. Seeing this woman over there drinking her glass of wine only confirmed it for me. Love you so much, More,

One of these things is not like the other ones...

Nothing very exciting going on here. After my busy weekend, I have tried to lay low this week. I did try that cooking thing again and again, I agree with you that it sucks. I have this very strong need and desire and want to make homemade ice cream every summer, so I go to the grocery store and buy twenty dollars worth of stuff to make it, and it was great--I admit!, but I think I ended up with about two pints worth, which I could have bought at the store for $3. The big Memphis in May weekend is coming up. I am really trying to get involved in all sorts of volunteer stuff and I will be doing my volunteering for the festival this weekend. Oh, my! We all know that it rains every MusicFest (remember the year that Natalie and I took Neall and Justin and we were so soaked when we finally got home?), so I can only imagine what I will look like on Sunday night!!! Anyway, while going through photos, I found this one of tulips in DC and I love the lone yellow one stuck in with all the other red ones. It reminds me of you--standing out but just because it's the most exciting one of them all. Miss you more today than yesterday, More,

Little Pieces of You Everywhere

Today was so very busy that I think I must go to sleep soon. I got up early this morning and did the March of Dimes WalkAmerica--it was great to do and I felt oh so good about myself for doing something so productive. But after four miles, I was quite tired. I ran home, stopping at Sonic first for a cherry vanilla coke, and got home and jumped in to the shower. The NFL draft started at eleven, so I had it on, all the while just to see where things were heading.... (and your boy DeAngelo went in the first round to Carolina! So proud of our guy!)

So, I jump out in plenty of time to be very late for my plans to be at Daddy's by one. I had to go to Home Depot and buy a gift and a gift card for Neall & Becca for housewarming gift. There is no way that anyone moving into a house has any idea of the amount of money they will spend at Home Depot in the months to come. Or years. We have been in our house for four years now and I swear I am at Home Depot at least weekly. Then I rushed downtown to get tickets to the Grizzlies game today at 430pm. They sell the cheap seats for $5 on game day and of course, they had just sold out of the cheap setas before I got there but I got tickets anyway, since well, I feel it is important to support our little team. I mean, it is going to be on national TV and Memphis has enough bad going for it, at least we can look like we are supporting our team.

Then I went to Wynne. Daddy and I went to lunch and walked in to this entire table of red hat ladies. It was quite humorous to be honest. Then your dear friend Carol and her husband came in. I had to go over and tell her, "you know SHE would have had great fun with this, right???" I can only imagine what you would have done. It was so good to see her. It makes me feel like a little of you is near me when I see or talk to your friends. Every one reminds me so much of you--something in them always has a little of you in them, whether it is a smile or a gesture or a knowing look. Daddy and I then went to Lou Beene's 80th birthday party. She was so glad to see us! I knew that you would have been there and I just love Lou! She's hysterical. You always talked about her and I never met her until you got sick, but I can see the two of you causing a ruckus on Crabb Lane before then. As precious as all the things are, it is so hard to see people that realize who Daddy and I are and look at us with such great pity. I am so glad that they are thinking of us, but I can see it in their faces, "oh you know, that's Teri's husband and daughter". It is so kind to know that they are sad about you leaving us and I want so badly to not tear up when they tell me how sorry they are about my mom. But it has shown me how many people care and that is priceless. We were lucky that Pat was there at the same time we were and we had a buddy. She is so precious. She really has been there just like you would have wanted her to. Whether it is me having a rough day that no one can understand or Daddy trying to figure out what flowers you want him to plant, we both call her. She knew you and knew you better than anyone and I know that today she wanted to have you there with the three of us talking about what a great party it was and how good it was that Lou had so many friends and family with her.

Looking at the clock, I realize that it is 3 and I have to go! I have the Griz to cheer on, and yeah, they lost. As Tara and I sat there cheering for our losing team, I told her I had to stop myself from saying "Come on HOGS!" But then, as I was the only one in our nosebleeding seats up and cheering, I literally was stopped in my tracks. As the music was playing, I was dancing and looked at Tara, John and Jorge and told them how boring they were and I realized, "OH MY GOD!" that was the most Teri thing I could have ever done. I can see you screaming for the Piggies in Fayetteville and I said a little prayer right then and there that I would have more "Moments of Momma Reality" in my life. I can't think of a better highlight to my day than to realize that not only did I think of you but that I saw you in me.

I am finally home, watching my eighth day straight of hockey. I am so sick of hockey. John loves it and we are watching the playoffs every day but I really can't say anything because of all the football I have made him watch but it is getting tough. I know that you would understand and talk me through this. Yessh! Tomorrow I plan on getting right back in to bed after church and doing nothing. I can hardly wait, love you more than anything and I wish you were here, More,

Shalom.

So yesterday at church, we sang "Jesus Arose" after the message. You know how it picks up at the chorus and says "Up from the grave, He arose"? I swear, I could see you doing a little dance to that section. It seems like I can see us at Union Avenue Baptist Church when we are younger and you doing a little move when we sang that. It kind of makes my heart jump to think of it.

After lunch, I got to Wynne and Daddy and I went shopping for flowers. He dug up the shrubs in front of the house, as you had instructed!, and needed something to plant in their place behind the hostas. It is going to look really good. I got a yellow rose bush and used one of your planters that you had last year for your ferns. Why I didn't take both of the matching planters when Daddy offered, I don't know but I will get the other one this weekend to put on the other side of the porch steps. Your little flower garden outside looks so good. He always laughs at your planting technique--pretty much just tossing it over in the garden--but it always seemed to work.

I painted tonight and it looks fabulous!! I can't wait to get all of my stuff up!

Yeah, still lots of peace in our little valley but we miss you, More,

The Glory of Vinegar

I have had visions of redoing my dining room for weeks now and I finally got started on it this weekend. In order to force myself to do it, I tore a piece of the wall covering off so then, I HAD to do it! When I did my office, you and daddy came over to help me strip the wallpaper. It was hysterical to see you work on about a six inch square and then throw your hands up and tell me how bad this sucked. Yes, I know, I was the one on the ladder with the steamer sweating profusely. I have these horrible Steve Madden shoes that I always wear when painting and the steamer kept dripping hot water on my toes. Daddy took a nap on the couch and you would walk in the living room, "Richard!" and he would jump up, "what? what?" I think you did that just for fun. So, after I got the first layer of wall covering off and started on the wallpaper layers underneath, I couldn't find my steamer that I swear I saw just last week. Somewhere. Anywhere but somewhere I could place right then. So I went to Home Depot to get that Diff junk, knowing it would suck. This old man saw me looking at it and told me to save my money and just put vinegar and hot water in a spray bottle; I figured it couldn't suck more than Diff so, why not. OH MY GOD. It was wonderful. Honestly, I did the entire dining room in about four hours. I love vinegar. Did you know you can put a cup of vinegar in your microwave on high for one minute and all the funk just wipes right off?

So, I am so inspired now to finish my dining room that I am only breaking temporarily now and then will tape up and put on a coat of primer tonight so I can paint tomorrow. I can see you now putting your head in your hands saying, "TARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't have to do it all right now!" Yeah, I do, More,

To start out so crummy, this week has really ended great!

The trip to DC of course was for work. I attended a compliance school and the certification exams were given daily. The head of the program said that usually only 15-20 percent of those taking it pass all five parts the first time. And the tests were pretty tough, much to my surprise. But I just got the news that I passed all five and have my certification now! Whoo-hoo! I had already decided that if I did not pass one, I would just pay for a new exam out of my pocket and have it proctored at the public library here instead of telling my boss the bad news!

This is just funny... you always delighted in doing whatever you could to mortify me at any given opportunity. So, when my friends started getting married and if ever there was a lingerie shower, you always sent the most tasteless gift--Ever. Natalie says that the teddy you gave her at her shower makes her blush to think of it. Today she said she had to buy a gift for her cousin's lingerie shower--so the smuttier it is, the more we are thinking of you...

More,

Who'd have thought my friend was really a rabbit?

This weekend started out pretty good but today was tough. We went to have lunch with Neall's inlaws, which was great fun even if we did have to leave early, then headed to Lonoke to see Grandma. She was good, Daddy and I got a lot of talking in on the trip to and fro, and when we got back to the house, he filled the car with pepper and tomato plants. We went to the cemetary earlier and of course, I looked my keys in the car. Nice. But things were looking up after the locksmith came and got me in the car.

Today was a different story. It was just a sad day. No Easter basket full of candy yesterday just hit me today. It shouldn't be a big deal. I have said that it's the selfish things that are the worst when I miss you. I worry about when I have my babies, who will spend the week with me after I get out of the hospital. All of my friends have had their moms stay with them for the first week after baby arrives. I am reading a book titled "Motherless Daughters" but I don't think I will finish it. It was quite strange to read someone saying the exact thing I said about staying with them after they have their kids. Maybe I am better off not thinking about it so often. Just being in denial seems to be working for me so far.

So, crying fits abounded all day today. It was tough. When Tara asked what was wrong, all I could say was that it was tough not having an Easter basket!! This afternoon I got home and there was a huge rose bush on my porch with a plastic egg in it and a note from the Easter Bunny. Of course, I was on the phone with Tara as I got home (ranting about my day of course!) and I wondered aloud what in the world was that on my porch??? She swore that she had nothing to do with it. Our dear friend Theresa lives in midtown near me and since the rose bush came in the Home Depot bucket, I knew she was the culprit. How lucky can I be to not only have Tara who is so good to me but Theresa who is so very kind to know when I needed a rose bush?

Who Doesn't Love Krispy Kreme?

March of Dimes has an arragement with Krispy Kreme doughnuts that sells them at a discount rate for fundraising. So for the past few Fridays, we are selling them in our lobby. Unfortunately, we seems to be selling more to our employees than to the FedEx employees, but that is neither here nor there. So, I got a dozen to take home to John today. He will be delighted. I can't see a Krispy Kreme and not think of you and your sheer elation at going to Krispy Kreme and getting doughnuts when we were in Branson. You would strike up a conversation with everyone in line and giggle and clap your hands when you got that hot, dripping doughnut finally. I can see it playing out in mind right now--I can honestly see you and hear you crying, "oh goodie! goodie!" right now.

More,

And let there be blooms...

This is the little tree that I planted in the yard the year we moved in. I think I got it for $4 towards the end of summer! But, it was crooked and Daddy staked it to try and straighten it out. I had just about convinced myself that it was just going to be a four foot stick in my yard until I got home from DC and it was blooming! Tara had to mention it to me that it had blooms--I was oblivious since for so long it has just been a stick!!!

Daddy got the tree in the back yard cut down and he is going to get a red maple this weekend to plant in the back yard. I am coming over Sunday after I go to church here (I told him there was no way I would get home in time for the early service at his church!) and then off to see Grandma! I need to fix her up an Easter basket before I go. I will work on that this week. Taking Ruby out to eat Friday night--you better certainly be looking out for me on that one.

Love you the mostest, More,

And you never understood why I wanted to live here...

Tara found this in the Commercial Appeal...

Flowers

You always thougth that flowers were such a waste of money but I have to disagree. They are one of my many luxuries. I love having fresh flowers around and think that the make the day much better. There was a guy selling them outside my hotel and now I have a beautiful arrangement in my hotel room. I think this is all part of my "new outlook"--why wait on getting flowers until I am not here to appreciate them? I love you so much, maybe today more than ever. We had our family vacation with Neall, Daddy and I but after they are gone, I especially want you here. I don't care if you ever go to Wynne again, but come here, right in my heart, in my little world. I love you, more....

Oh what a handsome boy!!!!!!!!!!!

If he were any cuter, I couldn't stand it! Griffin got his first major hair cut! These two photos are less than a week apart--wow! He looks like such a big boy!

the Bane of Women's Existence

The Smithsonian Museum had an exhibit on pantyhose and their invention. Nice. Love the nylons.


And I will tell you what this is since you might not know... it's a toaster! I love the pretty little ceramic bottom that is painted with pretty little pink flowers! You would love this--especially with your big interest in anything in the kitchen, More,

I hear the train a comin', it's comin' round the bend...

First of all, I must say that I have a whole new respect for you after all the Easter Sundays of you trying to get us together for a family portrait. I remember me always squirming, just mortified that someone might drive by and see me standing in the front yard by the tree posing for a picture. How stupid was that? I felt your pain today, I must say. I got the "fish eyes" from Neall on more than one occasion when I had them stop to let me take a photo. Those boys. I reminded Daddy that I was your daughter and photos were a requsite. Today when we were at Arlington, we talked about how you always wanted to do a directory at Cogbill Cemetary. I am going to do some research with the cemetary in North Carolina that you saw and really liked, to see how we can go about getting that taken care of for you. There were so many things that you wanted to do and so many things that you should have been able to do. We love you so much and miss you every day, More,

Here we have the happy family waiting on the Metro...

And the guys in front of the capitol...

I had on a pair of your shoes so I had to stop and rest my feet at the fountain at the Art Sculpture...

Some photos from today...

Here's My Future Home...
This is just funny; they picked me up at the office yesterday and Neall and I had on the same outift! Same light blue pants and a white button up--ha!!