Week 17

We get to find out in 12 days if we are having a boy or a girl. I am giddy with excitement--John seems to be as well, but that might be that he is giddy to get me to quit asking him whether he wants a boy or a girl. Here is Week 17's photo. Wild, wild, wild. It's all so strange! Last night, I recited multiplication tables for B2 and John suggested tonight we go over state capitals with him/her. Of course, this weekend we will be learning about football. What a brilliant baby this will be!

Frumpy is as Frumpy does

The only thing that looks frumpier than a linen shirt by the afternoon is a linen maternity shirt.

#4

Ginger called and Ian's chest CT came back that there has been no spreading of his tumor!!!!

Good day...

1. I got back B2’s triple screen test results and all is great. Now we can carry on in our regularly scheduled pre-baby excitement.

2. I got roses. And the card only said “I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe that I deserved my friends”. So, that ruled out John, that and I didn’t pay for them from our account. I finally discovered they are from someone who works for our data processing company that I had a very, very minor tiff with earlier in the week. We spend a good deal of our working day discussing the crucial things like college football so we have grown quite fond of each other. I am sure he is only trying to keep me on his good side so that I will cheer for his Ohio State Buckeyes with football season quickly approaching, but it was very, very sweet.

3. I got the best compliment from a 7 year old. My friend Gabby had to fill out this sheet for her homework the other day and one of the questions was “if you could have a teacher for the year, who would it be?” and she answered “Mrs. Tara”! Awww!!! I asked Rebecca if she was sure she didn’t know another Tara and she doesn’t, so it must be me!

Scared shitless...

Ian Gregory Smith--the adorable son of my friend Ginger--is up for a fight. Please keep him and his family in your prayers. Saturday afternoon his mom found a knot on the back of his thigh. They went to the doctor yesterday afternoon just to get it checked out and found out this afternoon that he has cancer. Tomorrow they will go to St. Jude's for the first time. Please keep them in your prayers.

I want my mom

It hits me at the most random times. Not at all when you would think. For example, I did really good on Mother's Day but then seeing a grandma with her kids at Wal-Mart can send me over the edge. This started it yesterday: The finger spacer at Knowledge Tree. I went there to pick up something for a friend's daughter for the first day of school and saw this at the checkout counter. You always told the story about my "rivers" whenever you saw Mrs. Rose, my first grade teacher. Neall slammed my finger in the door and locked it when I was in first grade--my first and only stitiches. I had this big bandage on my finger and I couldn't curl it down to use my index finger for making my rivers when writing. I cried and cried in fear that I would never go to second grade for not being to make my rivers. So, I saw this at Knowledge Tree and couldn't stop thinking of you. It's just little things like this that make it all so hard. The life part of everyday makes it hard.

And selfish. The most selfish parts of it are what makes it all so sad. I feel like a chunk of my childhood died with you. Who knows how old I was when I took my first steps? You did. I remember that I was talking around nine months and potty-trained before two years, but I only knew that for bragging purposes so how do I know when my child is on track or behind? All the little details of my childhood are forgotten now. Men don't remember these things, women do and well, I was just a little too young to remember them at the time. Speaking of selfish, who is going to be with me when I have this baby? And when I come home? It was supposed to be you. And John's mom.

Yesterday, I got home from my shopping excursion about noon and talked to John for a bit and went to laydown and take a nap. I didn't mean to but I couldn't help but start thinking as I was laying there, I started thinking and just lost it. I didn't realize he could hear me but John came in there to see if I was okay and what he could do. All I could tell him was that "I miss my mom". He's so helpless. I hate doing this to him, he's been through it, he knows how hard it is to be without your mom, it is not right to be thirty years old and not have a momma in this world but he also knows that it is different with men and women and he doesn't know what to say. So, we went and got fried chicken--what can that not fix? So the rest of the afternoon was spent with me being exhausted from my emotional breakdown and John in the midst of spinning all of his own thoughts and grief around in his mind--I hate doing this to him.

A friend lost her dad this summer and then only 2 1/2 months later, lost her mom. I felt so lost and didn't know what to say to her. For the first time, I think I understood what my friends went through when it all happened to me. I know that I can call anyone to talk but how awkward and odd would it feel to just call a friend up: "Hey, what are you doing?", "Nothing, what about you?", "Oh just sittin' here thinking about how my mom died, wanna talk about it?". There is a thin line between talking about grief and whining about what you have lost and no one wants to be the wrong side of that line.

Who would have thought that most important lesson you would try to teach me would be you simply not being here?

Time Management is Overrated

I went to Wal-Mart at lunch to return some sheets and get some light shopping done. For weeks I have said that I needed to get my eyebrows waxed or I would not be able to see much longer. In an effort to better manage my time, I went ahead and got them waxed at the hair salon at Wal-Mart. I think I may have overdone it this time since now my fair, fair skin is red and blotchy and I think that wax might have been heating for a week straight.

Happy Birthday Janey!

Yesterday was Janey's 2nd birthday party. It was great fun and I must admit my first doll cake was a success! (She had a small incident with a coffee table two days before her party that gave her the black eyes!)

Internet drama at home...

Horror of horrors, my wireless internet connection at home was down last night. Normally I would have tinkered with it then but seeing as it would have involved me staying awake past 8pm and getting up off the couch, I passed on it. So my planned posting was delayed a day…
Yesterday was the first birthday we have had without you here. What a strange thing it was. Since we all have birthdays within a month of each other, we always celebrated them together. We only celebrated Neall’s this weekend—we figured we could go ahead and spread them out, why not? Grandma Jackson got to come down and finally see Neall and Becca’s new house—with her dining room table in place, of course!! It was so strange being there without you flitting around being so silly and singing. You would be so proud of him now. He’s so grown up! We always giggled at Daddy when he got his “phone voice” at home. When someone from work called, he turned about two octaves lower and answered “this is Richard Jackson”. I half expected Neall to do the same when one of his patients called while he was opening presents. Somewhere along the way, this little kid with a flat top turned into such a grown-up and I can’t wait to see what a great uncle he is going to be.

TGIF

I would love to say that the entire week has been spent with me being so incredibly busy that I simply had no time for anything else, but that would only be a lie. I have done nothing. But sleep. I sleep a lot. The routine this week was to go home and take a catnap—about two hours—and then get up when John brought me dinner. I would stay up for a short while and then go back to sleep about 9. Seriously—not only is this baby sucking my energy but also my common sense that it is normal for anyone to sleep this much. I told John that when the baby comes and I never get to sleep again, I am going to be so out of sorts since my routine is simply shot now.

A friend’s brother got married last Friday night so I hurried to Wynne after work. Anytime before, you would have gone with me. Showers? Weddings? Birthday parties? Of course I will be there—my standby date is waiting in Wynne. She will even pick up the gift for me at Caldwell’s or Rose of Sharon before I get there. It dawned on me about Wednesday that I had no one to go with to this wedding and going alone was just not going to work. John Burton would have cut off the tip of his finger before he went to a wedding! Luckily, Neall and Becca were going so I tagged along with them. She even picked up my gift for me! Even though things here aren’t going exactly as they should be and things are not right at all and may never be right ever again, I am pretty lucky to have the family that I do have.

How stupid am I that it took so long to realize it? More,

Sunflower

My sunflowers are blooming! They are really blooming!! My yard gets so very much sun that I really can't grow much without it wilting. I even lost some Gerber daisies because of the sun but the sunflowers are doing great. In college, I loved sunflowers and had my kitchen decked out in them. Daddy grew sunflowers for me that summer and you took a photo and framed it of them for me and gave it to me for my birthday. {I hope I am half as good as you were about getting the best and most special thing for every occasion.} I will have to frame this one to go with that photo to keep around. My first homegrown sunflower! How exciting!

Meaningless Reporting...

I would love to tell you all the fabulous things going on right now but as of now, there are none. You see, it is really hard to get fabulous things done when you are going to sleep between 730 and 800 each night. Last night, John told me that he hadn't been to bed at 8 since he was six and it really meant a lot to him to stay up until dark. Wow. How sad is that??

We had a relatively calm weekend. Daddy, Neall and Becca came up to visit on Saturday. We went to lunch and then looked at mattresses. Yet again, how exciting am I? I can't believe more folks don't visit even more often!!!!!!!!!

More,

Monday all over again...

John was off all last week on vacation. I must say that it would be a fabulous and wonderful thing to have him home all the time. There was no whining as he got ready for work, I came home to meals ready to eat and he did all the housework. Literally!!! I have felt oh so very bad lately and every night after I went to bed at 730 or 800, he would come in to check on me and bring me something to drink and snack on while I mentally focused on making the room stop spinning. He was in a fabulous mood as well (maybe because I was going to bed at 730 or 800 and he had the house to himself again?) so everything was just peachy. Yesterday, he realized he had to go back to work today but he did a good job of keeping his new composure going for a while longer.

Daddy and I went to visit Grandma on Saturday--she looked better than she has in years, I think. It was good to see her so well colored and smiling. You always said how she would just stare at me and say how precious I was. Ah... no wonder I am so fond of her. So Saturday, she would just look at me and grin, "so you are really pregnant??" Yep. If I had found Saturday what I found this morning, I could have shown her and she'd have known for sure. There is certainly something there today! Today the little bugger decided to make his/her presence known. It's not big and you can't see it, but you can feel the firm little something in my tummy. After I discovered it, I just sat down and cried. I am crying now just thinking of it--of course I keep having to touch it. You always said Neall was going to be flat on one side from you holding me the entire time you were pregnant with him--this one is going to be flat on one side from me touching my belly all day to make sure that the bump is still really there!!! Oh so happy!!! More,

Nine Weeks...

Yesterday I had my nine weeks doctor appointment and Doc said that everything was going good. Next time we get to hear the heartbeat!!

Final Report on the Trip

When we were younger, we went to Gulf Shores fairly often. I told my group about the twins from Georgia that I pen-palled with after each vacation since we were always there at the same time and I wondered if they would be here this year. I didn’t see them. :)

On Sunday afternoon, Tara and I drove back to Foley to the outlet mall. On the way home, of course, we talked about you some, because there will never be a better power shopper than you! She asked if I wanted to drive out to the house that you and Daddy stayed in last January but I didn’t think I could do it. Just being there and thinking of how you loved the water and the beach was enough to keep you on my mind but to go out there where there were so many fabulous memories of not just you and Daddy but of you and the girls would have just been too much.

Monday was a day of beach bumming. I walked over to Sea-n-Suds to get us lunch. It always makes me giggle to think of me just not “getting” what the suds were! I had a t-shirt from there and never understood why you wouldn’t let me where it to Sunday night youth group at the Wynne Baptist Church. I have always been a little slow on the take, I suppose. That night there was a fireworks display in Orange Beach so I was up late (past my usual 9pm bedtime these days!) watching that. There are always two stories that I tell when fireworks are near. The first one is the in July of 1978 and Wynne used to do the fireworks downtown. Uncle Elliot actually did them, I think, since he was the fire chief. You were pregnant with Neall and Daddy was holding me. The noise scared me, I have always been a wimpy kid, and I pounded on Daddy’s chest, “get me home! get me home!” Now, this is my mantra when I am ready to leave any where. The other story is when you and Daddy had just bought the Nissan Maxima. It was the one that talked and would say “the door is ajar” when it wasn’t shut. Neall and I would just laugh and laugh, “No, it’s not! It’s a door, not a jar!” So, as we were shooting Roman candles off the front porch, one went astray and started landing on your new car! Daddy, frantic at the thought of damage to his new car, ran over and lay across the hood so that it wouldn’t be harmed.

All in all, the trip was a wonderful, memory filled trip and I wish you were here for me to call and tell you all about it, More,

Point us towards the water...

We left last night heading to Gulf Shores and arrived sometime after 3 this afternoon. The traffic was horrible today so we were pretty much stop and go the whole way from Hattiesburg. But arriving was so worth it!!! We did go for a quick visit to the beach to remind us the drive was worth it and it totally was. Here are a few pictures and this entire place makes me think of you. You should be here with daddy this summer and getting ready for another month long visit down here with your girlfriends. Love and miss you more,


Here are John and Jorge drinking fruity drinks in our honor since we can't...

Today's a Day

With only five days left (but who is counting?) until we leave on our vacation, I am trying to get things somewhat in order around the house. It seems my new schedule is not working with me however. I had promised to do a desk for a friend to give as a birthday gift and here we are, tomorrow the birthday party, and I am realizing that I forgot to paint the inside of the desk. So before church this morning, I am on the front porch painting (well ventilated--outside--and with my little mask of course!). This is the schedule of my life these days, doing insane little chores in about fifteen minutes of spare time so that I can get to bed at 8pm. What is that????

I finally got in touch with your brother yesterday. I have been quite worried about him the past few weeks since I couldn't get in touch with him at all. When he called to tell me he had moved, I let his son know and since then, they have been inseperable. Good things continue to surprise me these days.

Wish you were here to see it--you would love it as well, More,

Best Dad Ever

So the best dad ever probably had the strangest Father's Day ever this year--he's never been a father without you here. Neall's inlaws were kind enough to invite us over to spend the day with their family so it was nice. We had a good time and then got back to Neall and Becca's in plenty of time for Daddy to give gardening advice to them. Their yard is huge and their garden has taken off wonderfully. The idea of Neall growing eggplant--much less eating eggplant--is quite comical. I brought some flowers from my flower beds out to you yesterday, in a little Razorback plastic cup, no less, so that you would know we all thought of you and wished you were with us. When I got home, the Father's Day card I had sent Daddy was on the kitchen table so I had to remind him that these always were to be stood up on the piano, which made him smile, ah, yes... they do...

Week 6

This baby is a brain snatcher. That’s all I can make it out to be at this point. First, I shredded Daddy’s debit card. I had all kinds of bills on my desk and I got up to shred them after I paid them and I wondered why in the world that shredder was going so slow and being so loud—ah… because it has plastic in it, that’s why. Last week at the Kroger, I got a meat and veggie plate to have for lunch after I finished my grocery shopping. I asked the guy for extra gravy on my potatoes since I was pregnant and he happily agreed. So, I do think this is going to have its perks. However, the day after I was at Kroger, I found a bag of groceries that I had missed in the back of my Jeep—three frozen pizzas, a 32 oz bag of shredded cheese and two boxes of Hot Pockets.

So far, so good. I am over the exhausted phase, I hope. For two weeks I was so tired that I went home at lunch and took a nap. I am not so tired now, but still a little sleepy. That could have to do with the bi-hourly eatings I am doing. As long as I am eating, I don’t get as sick, so I just continue to shove food in my mouth. I have never in my entire life been so very happy to be tired and pukey with sore boobs though. My neighbor stopped me the other day to ask me what was going on because I looked so happy. Another one who knows we are pregnant came over to tell me I was in fact glowing. I just go and sit in what will be the nursery and stare. I honestly just can’t believe it. What is going to be the baby’s closet had a few things in it, so I cleaned it out this weekend and moved it all into the closet in my office. At the top of the closet was a bag of little boy clothes, three Razorback outfits included, that I can’t remember where it came from. I think you must have bought them at a yard sale and I just stuffed them up there. I can only imagine how excited you would be right now with all this going on around you. But you are here and in every piece of that room and our whole lives. All the little clothes of mine when I was a little girl are still in the bags you brought them over in, ready to be put to good use, for photos of course. I can hear you now saying to just take the picture and get her out of it—don’t let her run around playing in those outfits and ruin them. I won’t. Every one of them is one I remember seeing a photo of me wearing. Your YaYa wooden letter sign is proudly ready in the nursery for him to look up to while he is trying to get some sleep. Who would have thought that one little 2mm baby would have made me feel like everything is right in the world for the first time in six months?

Long time, no blog...

I am not saying to whom these belong, but I will say that somewhere, Two Tara’s have both added Johnny Jump Up’s to their Christmas Wish Lists.