Emmy's first trip to her Alma Mater

We made a quick trip to Fayetteville Wednesday night so that Daddy could go to the game. Emmy was a champ on the drive but did have a couple of little fits along the way. She was better than anyone could expect of a two week old though, so I was thrilled. Of course, mean Mama took her out in the cold to get her photo made in from of Papa's name on the senior walk. Neall and I did it when we were kids and Emmy got to do it too. Here she is in her first Fayetteville experience. Then, we went to see Grandma Jackson in Lonoke on the way back. Of course, all were smitten with the little one.

Officially a Mommy

This morning started with my tummy hurting like crazy. Of course, about the same time that I got up to spend an hour or so in the bathroom, Emmy was hungry so she spent a lot of time in the bathroom with me, in her carseat on the floor. I am sure she was thrilled with that.

We went to the Baptist Hospital to look at YET ANOTHER BREAST PUMP. I realized that I can buy one for what it will cost to rent one for three months. Of course, there is the fear that I will buy yet another pump that won't take care of us. I have two (a cheap electric and a manual) that are sitting in bags worthless to anyone. You can't return or reuse them so they are just sitting there pointless. But if I rent a pump to just see if I like it, I have to buy the start up kit for $55 so it's just weird all the way around. Then, Emmy had her two week check up and the little one is growing like mad! She weighed 7 lb and 15 oz and was 20.5 inches long--she gained 13 ounces in two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!! My little piggy.

I wanted to wait until after her appointment to take her to the office to meet my coworkers so we went this afternoon. Of course everyone thought she was adorable. Just before I left, I went into my boss's office and as she was holding Emmy, she just pooped away so she suggested I change her before I left. I even put down her little changing pad on her couch and took off her little outfit and diaper. And then she pooped projectile onto me. And the couch. My daughter crapped on my boss's couch. It was all over my jeans and her clothes. I had to take her clothes off and she rode home in her diaper wrapped up in a blanket. Oh my God.

I love this kid.

Shout out

I tell Emmy about her Yia Yia all the time and she is wearing her froggie outfit as a shoutout to you.

After we had to change for the third time today, Emmy wore something other than pink. We spend a lot of time in the living room so she has lots of stuff accumulated in there and I told John we would need a different blanket since we were not wearing pink and the pink blanket that we keep in there would just not do. He said he doubted that WE gave a crap really but I got a white and yellow blanket regardless.

Today's plan...

Today Emmy and I are going to visit a babysitter. Oh Lord... what am I going to do when I leave this baby girl? It's going to kill me! I am sure that Emmy is going to want to eat and have a room to potentially sleep in one day, so I am going to have to go back to work eventually.

Here she is in her Valentine's outfit. I love the little socks that look like Mary Jane shoes--so very cute.

Photos for Fun

Daddy went back to work today so Emmy and I had to find something to entertain ourselves. We decided to take lots of pictures. This kid tickles me to no end... she is so fun!

Here is our bathing beauty. Apparently, bath time ROCKS.

This is the closest we have come to sleeping in our crib---falling asleep in the car seat and mama moving it to the crib. Ha, ha.... So witty...

Looks remarkably like a pink cottonball...

So sweet

About 5 am, John says, "how is it that anyone that looks that sweet can make that much noise??" I am not sure that I know but man, the kid has lungs! Last night was unbelievable. Emmy started screaming about 11 pm and didn't stop until 6 am. Then the dog would have an accident and the outside dogs would start barking and and the cat could be heard vomiting but could not be found. It was wild but then she was sleeping with Daddy again this morning and just absolutely precious again.

Man, I love this.

Oh, Momma, What a Week!

She's here and she is perfect! Emmy Ruth arrived at 3:58 p.m. on Tuesday the 13th at 7 pounds 2 ounces, 19.75 inches long.

Tuesday morning around one, I got up so sick. I was up all night sick and finally called the doctor at 4am. They said since I could not even keep water down, it was probably a virus and not labor. I had my doctor appointment at 840am anyway for the biophysical profile so we just held out until then to get there. I called the office and told them that I was so sick anyway and that I would not be in regardless of when they were going to induce labor. About 8, on the way to the doctor's office, I started having contractions about 2-3 minutes apart. When we got there, I told the receptionist I was either in labor or had salmonella and they sent me back for the ultrasound. Because I didn't have any water in my bladder, she really had to push on my belly for images and I told her I was going to puke on her so she said, "oh you might be in labor"--amazing of her to pick up on that--and sent me to have the doctor check me out. I was in fact in labor and 2 to 3 cm dilated and we went off to the hospital. Thankfully, the hospital and the doctor's office are in the same medical complex or John might have possibly run over small animals. I reminded him that we stop at stop signs as he plowed over the first run of speed bumps past the first stop sign. I got in to the hospital and as they checked me in, John went to get the bags from the car.

My contractions were getting worse but this stomach virus was really getting me. I kept telling the nurses I was going to be sick and they didn't believe me... they do now! The nurse gave me the little spit thing to throw up in but after I filled that and the rest of the bed, they realized that I was really kind of sickly. The anesthesiologist came in to do the epidural and said that because my white count was so high, they could not do it. John and I looked at each other and almost burst in to tears. They did give me a shot and ultimately did the epidural. Thank goodness! I must have had the best one ever because I never felt anything else. Turns out, I was so dehydrated that her little heart rate kept going up which caused my labor to kick into gear. Daddy got there, Natalie and Tara were there and John of course, and I really had a pretty quick labor. At 3, they said they were for me to start pushing and she arrived at 358pm. John and Tara were there--Tara cut the cord! It was so amazing. Of course, I never knew what to really expect but this was so amazing--I never thought it would be so great. The epidural was amazing so I never hurt after it was in--in fact when the doctor said that the next contraction would be the one that delivered her, I was looking at John laughing "can you believe this is really happening??" It was nuts! So, she gets here and they take her over to the side to get her fixed up and ready for her debut. It took forever to finally have them give her to us. Tara went out to the waiting room to tell Daddy and everyone that she was here and we were okay.

John managed to get the stomach virus I had on Thursday. We came home around 11 and he was so very sick, bless his heart. He was so upset an already missed Emmy. He is so smitten with her and cannot stand to not be with her. He is so funny and I never imagined he would be this way with her.

OH, you would love her! She's so tiny and so precious. I already cannot remember what it was like to not have this little thing attached to my shoulder. She is so funny. Every now and then, she will pump her little fist in the air and just leave it there like she is really cheering for something. John says it is like she is at a Skynard show or something. She has the funniest little faces and looks so much like her daddy. You would absolutely be delighted with her. She makes us giggle constantly. I am trying to take video of her since she has changed so much in just a week.

I am so very happy. More,

41 Weeks Pregnant

Nope, no baby.

Welcome to 1972

John and I have forged ahead into the 1970's by purchasing a portable dishwasher at an estate sale this weekend. Our house is almost 100 years old and the design of the kitchn does not allow for a dishwasher to be installed without a complete remodeling. I have over 50 kitchen cabinets and I am leary to do anything that might cost me some of that space. We have tossed around the idea of a portable dishwasher for a while but they are usually so small that we decided it wasn't really worth it. Then, Natalie saw this one at an estate sale and called us and we rushed right over to get it. It's avacado green--it reminds me of the fridge, washer and dryer that mom replaced several years ago--and it is huge! And it has a butcher block top on it. So, now I am on the hunt to get the adapter needed to connect it to the sink and we are actually going to be among those with all the fancy upgrades and appliances. John's next project is to paint it--we decided that the avacado green was only a novelty and not coming back into style anytime soon so we did pick up some appliance paint as well.

Oh yeah and today, seems like something else is going on today... oh wait--not going on today! Today is the official due date but we have no little munchkin to report on yet. At least the doctor is not going to let me go over more than two weeks--which is great.

Showered and Pampered

Emmy, John and I have now been properly showered and pampered. The festivities got started when Tara, Natalie and Theresa threw me a shower for some of our friends. Of course, everyone went way over board and the hostesses gave us our travel system. The next weekend, TWENTY ONE of your friends threw us a shower in Wynne. Wow. It was so exciting and everyone was so generous but I couldn't help but feel like a little snot when I was sitting there with mounds of gifts around me. It can be so overwhelming to think of so many people caring for you and wanting to help. Then, some friends at work had a shower and then Friday, my office threw a shower there! I think they threw that one in just so they could have an excuse for cake, but what do I know... :)

So, now that we are materially well prepared and ready for her arrival, Emmy is taking her own sweet time. Yesterday I went to the doctor and we are 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. So, we are back to it could be any minute or another two weeks!!! My vote is for Sunday afternoon but John thinks she will be arriving tomorrow night, I think. Oh, I cannot tell you how badly I wish you were here. So selfish of me to wish you were here for me and to help me but I can just imagine you having so much fun right now. I wish you were here to flit around the room and talk about Emmy and show her off when she does get here. I wish you were here so that I could call and ask if this weird sensation in my right side is a contraction (I am thinking it's a no if I have to ask) or just gas. I need you here to tell me to not be a wimp when I am in the pains of labor and to remind of how you did it and so can I.

37 Weeks

I am so ready to have a baby. So ready. As in, I would walk from here to Nashville if I thought it would get her here now. I am swollen and very irritable and I think I slept about 2.5 hours last night. Everyone with children chuckles and says, "oh just wait til that baby gets here then you wish you had 2.5 hours sleep" to which I say, we will deal with that then. Right now, I am growing tired of carrying a bowling ball in my underwear and I am ready for her to arrive.

Day 366

We all made it through the first year. I keep telling myself that this is going to be the worst part and if we can just get through the first year, then everything will fall into place from here on out. So, here we are a year later--we have gone through the first Easter, the first Mother's Day, the first of my birthdays, the first of your birthdays, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas and the first anniversary of your death. And we are all relatively okay. Who would have ever thought that would be so?

I want to tell you all about the baby prep work that all of your friends have done but I can't right now--it is too new and too emotional and too sweet and too touching for me right now. But you have to know that you are very loved and because you are so very loved, our little Emmy is so very spoiled and pampered already.

More,

Nothing, Nada, Zilch

Last night, John and I toured the maternity ward at the hospital. About halfway through, I started crying asking John, "what in the world have we done??" and he first replied with "Tara, please don't cry in front of all these people" followed by "Is this a bad time to remind you that this was your idea?" Yes. This would be a very bad time to tell me that. Then, I realized with sudden force that it's not that they are going to let us take her home, they are going to make us take her home.

Today I went to the doctor and there is nothing going on down there. No dilation, no effacement, nothing.

Hey, did you know we are going to have a baby???

Apparently, this is really going to happen and is not at all a farce or a possibility but a real baby is going to be born -- and I don't know anything about birthing no babies -- and then THEY are going to let her come and live with us -- like, forever. Apparently, THEY have lost THEIR collective minds.

I don't dare say that she is coming early

I am not saying that Emmy is going to come early but I will say that things are not quite what they used to be in me. I think I am having Braxton Hicks contractions but they really aren't painful--just odd sensations. I have taken waddling to a whole new dimension and there is a lot of pressure down there. Honestly, I have a small, very light bruise on the right side of my torso and I am convinced it is from the Tiniest Soccer Star making her presence known from the inside out. Wow. Wow. Wow.

In the photo search...

All my books and magazines say to go ahead and pack my bag for the hospital--just in case! One thing that I really wanted to have with me is a photo of you in case I need it for moral support during the delivery. A year or so ago, I started a project of scanning all of our family photos and saving them to my external hard drive to eventually go on to CDs. So, in the search for the perfect motivational photo of you to take with me, I found these to make me giggle...





















Of course, I have the hooded bath towel in Emmy's little closet at home and I can hardly wait to get her here and take her picture wearing it. She has no idea what is in store for her upon her arrival!

The Morning After

It really is like a bad hangover. The trend for me this year of all new firsts has been to do really well on the holiday itself but then crash on the following day. I am not sure if it is because I have to go back to work and that in and of itself is reason to be in the dumps and it just brings it all out of if it just that there is only so much denial and pushing down of feelings that I can do. I can flitter around on Christmas Day and be oh so excited but once I get home and then reality of it sets in the following morning, it is enough to send you over the edge. Next year will be different. Next year we will have gotten through the firsts of everything. The biggest milestone we have left to face is the first anniversary of your death. Thankfully we are going to be really busy--my baby shower!!!!--and then I will have that Monday off to regroup.

Merry Christmas and Happy 34 Weeks

I enlisted John to join me in my 34 week photo since he is off work for 11 days over the holidays--what else does he have to do? I had him sit on the arm of the couch but realized that he might not want his ever growing wife to sit on his lap so instead it looks like he just likes being boob level.

The other day a friend was over and made the comment, "oh well you are pregnant" to which I told him that there was not a breath I took that I didn't remember I was pregnant. This has turned into our little phrase now with John reminding me I am pregnant or asking if I knew I was. Today his family came over for Christmas dinner and after they left and we are piled up on the couch wearing our Christmas PJ's, I told him I wasn't sure I would have made it this Christmas if I didn't have Emmy on her way. A good friend lost her mom a couple of months ago and I feel guilty that I don't seem to be in as much pain as she is right now. I hope you know that I miss you as much as anyone could ever miss anyone. I just can't be too sad right now. If I start crying now and thinking of how you should be here this Christmas--talking with all of us of how NEXT Christmas is going to be so different--then I might never stop crying. What then? What do I do at 8 months pregnant if I can't stop crying? So yes, I want you here--I would give anything for it--but I am just so thankful for all we do have this Christmas and for what we are going to have next Christmas. I wish you were here to see it but I know you are watching over it all now and just as excited for us as we are... More,

December 6th

Neall and I got up early to head to Little Rock but missed the neurosurgeon by minutes. Daddy told us that the tumor was such that it could not all be removed surgically. Neall and I went to get cokes at a nearby service station and I literally thought I might faint walking into the store. After we got back to the hospital, Neall and Daddy went to get some breakfast for us all at the cafeteria. You were so confused and kept saying that you didn't want to have any treatment--please just take you home. You also kept saying you didn't want to die at Christmas--we would always hate the holidays after that. Always thinking of us, you were.

One of my fondest, most precious memories of my life was that morning. You were so terrified and crying so I finally just got into the hospital bed with you and held you. It was the most horrifying moment of my life and so very touching at the same time. For the next several hours, all four of our cell phones rang as friends heard what was going on and called to tell us to call them if they could help in any way. We started calling people that needed to hear the news from us and not through the grapevine. It was heart wrenching. Finally, at 6 the doctor came back, told us the tumor was the size of an orange and if we didn't have surgery you would die in 3 months. We agreed to come back on Friday morning for surgery, I had the doctor write down the name of the tumor so that I would remember it and now glioblastoma multiforme astrocytoma is forever in my vocabulary and we lost you 40 days later.

December 5th

It was exactly one year ago that it all went so very bizarre for us. You had been acting weird and Neall had finally convinced the neurologist that you needed to be seen quickly. Daddy and you had gone to the Hogs game on the Friday night before and I was terrified he would lose you there. Pat and Paul met you in Branson, which was good since your car kept messing up. Here you are in a brand new car and it won't start several times. Of course, that was my fault becuase the talking air gauge that I got Daddy one year for Christmas had fallen out of the back of the glove box and knocked a wire loose.

Your appointment was that morning and I was so scared waiting on the call. Finally Daddy called and said that you were okay. It was a nervous breakdown. I had had no idea that you really were so worried with so much going on in our lives. I thought for sure being retired had given you a new sense of calmness and that you were at the happiest point ever. The doctor felt like you would be just fine once all the Zoloft got out of your system and you got some rest. Then he called back. The two of you were at the Honda dealership and the doctor's office called and said to come back. Something was very wrong--there was something on the CT scan. Daddy asked what it could be and the doctor said, well it might be a tumor. What a liar. He knew damn well it was a tumor and that you would not be alive in another six months. So Daddy told the serviceman he needed a car RIGHT NOW and got you into a rental Civic and headed back to the hospital. Of course you were terrified. Daddy called and told me that they found something--not sure what it was. I ran into my boss's office, told him I had to go and I didn't know when I would be back and took off. I called Tara, who as usual, took charge and called everyone else, and I took off to Wynne. Daddy asked me to stay there and wait to come to Little Rock to the hospital until the next morning.

My sister in law told me it was a brain tumor. I remember saying a little thank you to God that it was not Alzheimer's. The most hideous shirt was hanging on the closet doorknob in the hallway and we joked about how one day we would all laugh at you buying that shirt "back when you had the tumor". I never, ever dreamed you would never wear that ugly shirt or that it would hang in my closet now with all of your other clothes that you will never wear again.