Little Pieces of You Everywhere

Today was so very busy that I think I must go to sleep soon. I got up early this morning and did the March of Dimes WalkAmerica--it was great to do and I felt oh so good about myself for doing something so productive. But after four miles, I was quite tired. I ran home, stopping at Sonic first for a cherry vanilla coke, and got home and jumped in to the shower. The NFL draft started at eleven, so I had it on, all the while just to see where things were heading.... (and your boy DeAngelo went in the first round to Carolina! So proud of our guy!)

So, I jump out in plenty of time to be very late for my plans to be at Daddy's by one. I had to go to Home Depot and buy a gift and a gift card for Neall & Becca for housewarming gift. There is no way that anyone moving into a house has any idea of the amount of money they will spend at Home Depot in the months to come. Or years. We have been in our house for four years now and I swear I am at Home Depot at least weekly. Then I rushed downtown to get tickets to the Grizzlies game today at 430pm. They sell the cheap seats for $5 on game day and of course, they had just sold out of the cheap setas before I got there but I got tickets anyway, since well, I feel it is important to support our little team. I mean, it is going to be on national TV and Memphis has enough bad going for it, at least we can look like we are supporting our team.

Then I went to Wynne. Daddy and I went to lunch and walked in to this entire table of red hat ladies. It was quite humorous to be honest. Then your dear friend Carol and her husband came in. I had to go over and tell her, "you know SHE would have had great fun with this, right???" I can only imagine what you would have done. It was so good to see her. It makes me feel like a little of you is near me when I see or talk to your friends. Every one reminds me so much of you--something in them always has a little of you in them, whether it is a smile or a gesture or a knowing look. Daddy and I then went to Lou Beene's 80th birthday party. She was so glad to see us! I knew that you would have been there and I just love Lou! She's hysterical. You always talked about her and I never met her until you got sick, but I can see the two of you causing a ruckus on Crabb Lane before then. As precious as all the things are, it is so hard to see people that realize who Daddy and I are and look at us with such great pity. I am so glad that they are thinking of us, but I can see it in their faces, "oh you know, that's Teri's husband and daughter". It is so kind to know that they are sad about you leaving us and I want so badly to not tear up when they tell me how sorry they are about my mom. But it has shown me how many people care and that is priceless. We were lucky that Pat was there at the same time we were and we had a buddy. She is so precious. She really has been there just like you would have wanted her to. Whether it is me having a rough day that no one can understand or Daddy trying to figure out what flowers you want him to plant, we both call her. She knew you and knew you better than anyone and I know that today she wanted to have you there with the three of us talking about what a great party it was and how good it was that Lou had so many friends and family with her.

Looking at the clock, I realize that it is 3 and I have to go! I have the Griz to cheer on, and yeah, they lost. As Tara and I sat there cheering for our losing team, I told her I had to stop myself from saying "Come on HOGS!" But then, as I was the only one in our nosebleeding seats up and cheering, I literally was stopped in my tracks. As the music was playing, I was dancing and looked at Tara, John and Jorge and told them how boring they were and I realized, "OH MY GOD!" that was the most Teri thing I could have ever done. I can see you screaming for the Piggies in Fayetteville and I said a little prayer right then and there that I would have more "Moments of Momma Reality" in my life. I can't think of a better highlight to my day than to realize that not only did I think of you but that I saw you in me.

I am finally home, watching my eighth day straight of hockey. I am so sick of hockey. John loves it and we are watching the playoffs every day but I really can't say anything because of all the football I have made him watch but it is getting tough. I know that you would understand and talk me through this. Yessh! Tomorrow I plan on getting right back in to bed after church and doing nothing. I can hardly wait, love you more than anything and I wish you were here, More,

Shalom.

So yesterday at church, we sang "Jesus Arose" after the message. You know how it picks up at the chorus and says "Up from the grave, He arose"? I swear, I could see you doing a little dance to that section. It seems like I can see us at Union Avenue Baptist Church when we are younger and you doing a little move when we sang that. It kind of makes my heart jump to think of it.

After lunch, I got to Wynne and Daddy and I went shopping for flowers. He dug up the shrubs in front of the house, as you had instructed!, and needed something to plant in their place behind the hostas. It is going to look really good. I got a yellow rose bush and used one of your planters that you had last year for your ferns. Why I didn't take both of the matching planters when Daddy offered, I don't know but I will get the other one this weekend to put on the other side of the porch steps. Your little flower garden outside looks so good. He always laughs at your planting technique--pretty much just tossing it over in the garden--but it always seemed to work.

I painted tonight and it looks fabulous!! I can't wait to get all of my stuff up!

Yeah, still lots of peace in our little valley but we miss you, More,

The Glory of Vinegar

I have had visions of redoing my dining room for weeks now and I finally got started on it this weekend. In order to force myself to do it, I tore a piece of the wall covering off so then, I HAD to do it! When I did my office, you and daddy came over to help me strip the wallpaper. It was hysterical to see you work on about a six inch square and then throw your hands up and tell me how bad this sucked. Yes, I know, I was the one on the ladder with the steamer sweating profusely. I have these horrible Steve Madden shoes that I always wear when painting and the steamer kept dripping hot water on my toes. Daddy took a nap on the couch and you would walk in the living room, "Richard!" and he would jump up, "what? what?" I think you did that just for fun. So, after I got the first layer of wall covering off and started on the wallpaper layers underneath, I couldn't find my steamer that I swear I saw just last week. Somewhere. Anywhere but somewhere I could place right then. So I went to Home Depot to get that Diff junk, knowing it would suck. This old man saw me looking at it and told me to save my money and just put vinegar and hot water in a spray bottle; I figured it couldn't suck more than Diff so, why not. OH MY GOD. It was wonderful. Honestly, I did the entire dining room in about four hours. I love vinegar. Did you know you can put a cup of vinegar in your microwave on high for one minute and all the funk just wipes right off?

So, I am so inspired now to finish my dining room that I am only breaking temporarily now and then will tape up and put on a coat of primer tonight so I can paint tomorrow. I can see you now putting your head in your hands saying, "TARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't have to do it all right now!" Yeah, I do, More,

To start out so crummy, this week has really ended great!

The trip to DC of course was for work. I attended a compliance school and the certification exams were given daily. The head of the program said that usually only 15-20 percent of those taking it pass all five parts the first time. And the tests were pretty tough, much to my surprise. But I just got the news that I passed all five and have my certification now! Whoo-hoo! I had already decided that if I did not pass one, I would just pay for a new exam out of my pocket and have it proctored at the public library here instead of telling my boss the bad news!

This is just funny... you always delighted in doing whatever you could to mortify me at any given opportunity. So, when my friends started getting married and if ever there was a lingerie shower, you always sent the most tasteless gift--Ever. Natalie says that the teddy you gave her at her shower makes her blush to think of it. Today she said she had to buy a gift for her cousin's lingerie shower--so the smuttier it is, the more we are thinking of you...

More,

Who'd have thought my friend was really a rabbit?

This weekend started out pretty good but today was tough. We went to have lunch with Neall's inlaws, which was great fun even if we did have to leave early, then headed to Lonoke to see Grandma. She was good, Daddy and I got a lot of talking in on the trip to and fro, and when we got back to the house, he filled the car with pepper and tomato plants. We went to the cemetary earlier and of course, I looked my keys in the car. Nice. But things were looking up after the locksmith came and got me in the car.

Today was a different story. It was just a sad day. No Easter basket full of candy yesterday just hit me today. It shouldn't be a big deal. I have said that it's the selfish things that are the worst when I miss you. I worry about when I have my babies, who will spend the week with me after I get out of the hospital. All of my friends have had their moms stay with them for the first week after baby arrives. I am reading a book titled "Motherless Daughters" but I don't think I will finish it. It was quite strange to read someone saying the exact thing I said about staying with them after they have their kids. Maybe I am better off not thinking about it so often. Just being in denial seems to be working for me so far.

So, crying fits abounded all day today. It was tough. When Tara asked what was wrong, all I could say was that it was tough not having an Easter basket!! This afternoon I got home and there was a huge rose bush on my porch with a plastic egg in it and a note from the Easter Bunny. Of course, I was on the phone with Tara as I got home (ranting about my day of course!) and I wondered aloud what in the world was that on my porch??? She swore that she had nothing to do with it. Our dear friend Theresa lives in midtown near me and since the rose bush came in the Home Depot bucket, I knew she was the culprit. How lucky can I be to not only have Tara who is so good to me but Theresa who is so very kind to know when I needed a rose bush?

Who Doesn't Love Krispy Kreme?

March of Dimes has an arragement with Krispy Kreme doughnuts that sells them at a discount rate for fundraising. So for the past few Fridays, we are selling them in our lobby. Unfortunately, we seems to be selling more to our employees than to the FedEx employees, but that is neither here nor there. So, I got a dozen to take home to John today. He will be delighted. I can't see a Krispy Kreme and not think of you and your sheer elation at going to Krispy Kreme and getting doughnuts when we were in Branson. You would strike up a conversation with everyone in line and giggle and clap your hands when you got that hot, dripping doughnut finally. I can see it playing out in mind right now--I can honestly see you and hear you crying, "oh goodie! goodie!" right now.

More,

And let there be blooms...

This is the little tree that I planted in the yard the year we moved in. I think I got it for $4 towards the end of summer! But, it was crooked and Daddy staked it to try and straighten it out. I had just about convinced myself that it was just going to be a four foot stick in my yard until I got home from DC and it was blooming! Tara had to mention it to me that it had blooms--I was oblivious since for so long it has just been a stick!!!

Daddy got the tree in the back yard cut down and he is going to get a red maple this weekend to plant in the back yard. I am coming over Sunday after I go to church here (I told him there was no way I would get home in time for the early service at his church!) and then off to see Grandma! I need to fix her up an Easter basket before I go. I will work on that this week. Taking Ruby out to eat Friday night--you better certainly be looking out for me on that one.

Love you the mostest, More,

And you never understood why I wanted to live here...

Tara found this in the Commercial Appeal...

Flowers

You always thougth that flowers were such a waste of money but I have to disagree. They are one of my many luxuries. I love having fresh flowers around and think that the make the day much better. There was a guy selling them outside my hotel and now I have a beautiful arrangement in my hotel room. I think this is all part of my "new outlook"--why wait on getting flowers until I am not here to appreciate them? I love you so much, maybe today more than ever. We had our family vacation with Neall, Daddy and I but after they are gone, I especially want you here. I don't care if you ever go to Wynne again, but come here, right in my heart, in my little world. I love you, more....

Oh what a handsome boy!!!!!!!!!!!

If he were any cuter, I couldn't stand it! Griffin got his first major hair cut! These two photos are less than a week apart--wow! He looks like such a big boy!

the Bane of Women's Existence

The Smithsonian Museum had an exhibit on pantyhose and their invention. Nice. Love the nylons.


And I will tell you what this is since you might not know... it's a toaster! I love the pretty little ceramic bottom that is painted with pretty little pink flowers! You would love this--especially with your big interest in anything in the kitchen, More,

I hear the train a comin', it's comin' round the bend...

First of all, I must say that I have a whole new respect for you after all the Easter Sundays of you trying to get us together for a family portrait. I remember me always squirming, just mortified that someone might drive by and see me standing in the front yard by the tree posing for a picture. How stupid was that? I felt your pain today, I must say. I got the "fish eyes" from Neall on more than one occasion when I had them stop to let me take a photo. Those boys. I reminded Daddy that I was your daughter and photos were a requsite. Today when we were at Arlington, we talked about how you always wanted to do a directory at Cogbill Cemetary. I am going to do some research with the cemetary in North Carolina that you saw and really liked, to see how we can go about getting that taken care of for you. There were so many things that you wanted to do and so many things that you should have been able to do. We love you so much and miss you every day, More,

Here we have the happy family waiting on the Metro...

And the guys in front of the capitol...

I had on a pair of your shoes so I had to stop and rest my feet at the fountain at the Art Sculpture...

Some photos from today...

Here's My Future Home...
This is just funny; they picked me up at the office yesterday and Neall and I had on the same outift! Same light blue pants and a white button up--ha!!

"Clark, slow down! The kids are ... DEAD!"

This is pretty much what Daddy and I saw on today's sightseeing...
It is uncannily similar to National Lampoon's European Vacation when they did the run through all the museums after winning the trip on Pig in a Poke. This must have been foreshadowing on your part when you named him this but it has been great fun and as Neall keeps saying, "Tara we have to get going, we only have so many hours to see the nation's capital city!"But it has been great fun. On the run past the mall, I was able to get this photo of the cherry blossoms. Don't tell Neall or he will realize that I actually could have been running faster through it all.

We're Leaving, We're Leaving, Whee!

The Jackson 3 are shipping out tomorrow. Whoo-hoo! So exciting! We leave Memphis at 620 so Daddy and Neall will pick me up at work at 5 and Becca is dropping us off at the airport. I am so excited! We are going to have great fun. Daddy said he felt like you would want us to have some spending money--I feel certain YOU would!!!!!!! You had so much fun in DC when you and Daddy went. Just a few months ago, you sent an email about the tomb of the unknown soldier and how special it was for you to see it. I really hope we get to see it when we are there. Miss you terribly and lots of love,

More,

Peace in my Little Valley

Today was such a wonderful, absolutely peaceful day. I needed one of those. I got up this morning intent on going to church, Galloway Methodist, and since Tara is looking as well, I convinced her that we should try the church at the end of my street. So, being the dear that she is, she came all the way to my house and off we went. I wasn't sure what to think when we got there and the service was held in a very, very tiny sanctuary. It reminded me of Grandma Jackson's church in Oaklawn, AR since there were only nine rows of pews on each side and maybe thirty people there. I was pretty shocked since this is a huge church if you see it only from the outside and there are always lots of people there when I drive by for one event or another. Some of the things that I am looking for in attending church were there today. There were people on the other side of the room that came over to shake our hands when they did the meet and greet section and they actually SANG songs--not the slow drawn out songs, but actually sang them with excitement. I remember you always loved Revelations and talk of the rapture. And they even sang that last verse of Amazing Grace, which started the tears.

The sermon was about prayer and how important it is for us all. She talked about how some times things happen and no one can explain it and how important it is to go to God in prayer. Some people will tell you that God did this for a reason or what not and the pastor said that no, God does not do this to us for a reason but that does not mean that He doesn't want us to learn something from it. That touched me in a way that I can never explain. It has been so hard since you left us when people say that God has a reason for this. Well, as sacrilegious as it is, it is hard for me not to scream, "I don't care what His reason is, it can't be worth this!" But to think that His heart is sad too that you suffered and that you leaving us has broken us in ways that no one can know, makes it a little more bearable. She told a story of a woman who had been molested as a child and her dilemma in trusting a god that let this happen. God isn't happy to see that happen and he didn't let that happen to her, and sometimes, you want to scream, "God, damn that person for this". I can relate, I often want to scream, "God, damn brain cancer" and I feel okay for feeling that way now. That is good. I was of course sitting there with tears streaming and of course the only thing in my purse (never one known for preparedness!) were the fabric samples of the dining room renovation. So, as I sat with striped upholstery fabric dabbing my eyes, a lady behind got up, went and got me a Kleenex and brought it to me. Wow. Then I looked at Tara, as in "Can you believe this? Why can't I get this steady trickle to end?" to see her tears streaming. How to react to your right hand and rock crying? I know the sermon was touching and all, but I know that her tears are from seeing me hurt. Knowing that a friend is so dear that my pain makes her hurt, is more than I can comprehend and more than I could ever have imagined. Just the beginning of good things that were created from our great tragedy.

I am a different person now. I am a better person now. The "little stuff" just doesn't get to me like it did, I really just don't care. For better or worse, I am not able to waste my time with those that are not being a positive force in my life. I am taking charge of me and facing my fears head on now--let's remember the removal of the dead rat, that's a big one for me! I am finding a creative and artistic side I never knew I had. What is a math nerd like me doing painting and crafting? I have lost 30 pounds and two dress sizes--half way to my goal. I feel stronger--if I can handle this and wake up every morning and be productive, then I am proud of me. Does that mean it was worth it or this was the reason? No, if I thought it would bring you back, I would be down on 3rd Street smoking crack and hooking! But it won't. The only thing I can do to bring you back is to be the best person I can be and make you proud of me and let people see you in me.

As we left today, all I could think is, what in the world do I say on the VERY brief ride home from church to Tara? I settled on, "So obviously, that touched me in some way so I guess I need to go back there, huh?" She agreed.

I then went to Wynne and Daddy cooked out. Then we went to Wal-Mart to get flowers for my beds out front and Pat came over. It's strange to be there, in your garden where Daddy moved your bulbs to where you had the little markers from last year already in place for them, and you not dance out on to the deck, but we do it. And we laugh at how you never really one to be concerned with weeds, just planting flowers, weeds and all. Isn't that kind of how we are now? Flowers with weeds sporadically around us?

More,

Rudabega

You always would go into a sneezing fit with our poor Rudy, who only wanted to love on you, by the way. Two years ago, on the Saturday before Mother's Day the year that John's mom died, Rudy got sick and when I took him to the vet, they said he had a horrible urinary tract infection. After spending the weekend in the emergency hospital, many dollars and a "talk" from the doctor that he probably wasn't going to make it, the little man came home to torture us and Bill again. Yesterday, I was getting in the shower and saw blood and freaked out and rushed the dude to the doctor to find out he was going through it again. My first thought was, oh my God, Rudy is going to die and torture Momma for eternity. Of course, you won't have allergies where you are, so he would have just sat there and tempted you to pet him only to swipe at you when you did. Thankfully, he is home and fighting everytime we, (who am I kidding, I) have to give him antibiotics. He is a pretty cute kitty though and you don't get to play with him yet. You do have Bo and Sam. I can remember Neall & I sitting on the floor in the kitchen with Daddy trying to name Bo when we were kids. It was definitely between Bo and Luke -- the Dukes Of Hazzard of course.

More,

The Hunt Goes On

Well, I am not sure that Idlewild is the place for me. I am really asking myself some tough questions and I didn’t think that was what this was about. Getting back in to church was supposed to be something to bring me to a better place so that I could create a new foundation in my life now that every thing seems to have been shaken to the core. It is very awkward walking into a church for the first time alone. And even more awkward going into a Sunday School class alone when you know no one!!! But I did it because I felt it was important and I really am in great need right now. I am used to being the only one I am around with the political beliefs that I have. It has actually become a scar that I carry with pride, almost like my very own, very Red, scarlet letter. While there are some friends that I will disagree with and have discussions with or even, maybe instigate, for the most part, I try to just nod and smile politely when in the middle of a discussion of differing views. But, I did not expect to go to church and be smack in the middle of a political discussion. Almost a political lesson. I had teased about they were going to try and convert me, but I really felt like I could just smile and nod and it all be my little dirty secret, and no one ever be the wiser. When I asked about classes to attend, I got a list of three: the class I attended, a class for young parents (I really wanted to be in that class but thought it a little creepy with no baby) and the current issues class—that someone described as a liberal support group. Knowing that was not the way I wanted to go, I went to the first one which would look at big issues. The first issue was subdue versus dominion.

Originally I was pretty thrown off kilter since I had trouble finding the books of the Bible. Yeah, that can be pretty embarrassing and really show that you have not been in church in a while. I wanted to tell the teacher, “I know I am a little slow today, but I was once a champion in Bible Drill at Union Avenue Baptist Church in Wynne, AR” but I managed to refrain. I was really excited about this class, realizing that this was not your kids’ Sunday School class. It was actually a discussion that prompted thinking and prodding. It was good; I like that. Somehow along the way the class turned into an environmental conservation lesson though. We started out in Genesis 1:26-31 and then went on to read other instances of “subdue” and “dominion” to better determine their meaning. The instances we looked at all had to do with land and this was turned into how God gave us this gift, the Earth, and we were to take care of it. In turn, how could we justify strip mining and oil drilling? With great pride, I sat there nodding and smiling politely, even when others in the class made snide remarks and sarcastic looks whenever the teacher brought up our “current administration”. The teacher commented that now more of the evangelical Christians are becoming interested in environmental issues and of course, the snicker came, “but is that for Christian purposes or for political gain?” At the end, the teacher asked if he had really proved that God wants us to be environmentalists or had he just used smoking guns and mirrors to prove his point, and he said, “well, maybe a little of both”.

Here is where my query comes in… is it really enriching for me to go to a class where everyone believes the same as I do? Isn’t it more of an intellectual and enriching experience to be around others with varying views and be able to see things in another light and either change your mind on issues or be able to better justify those things in which you believe? I think it is better to have differing opinions. If I were around people that always felt the way I do, wouldn’t I just be regurgitating their comments and information?

This was my thinking when I decided I was going to continue to attend the class and see what I can learn. And then I got the email. The one that said our Sunday School class would not be meeting in the same room because we were combining with another class for a guest lecturer: Harold Ford, Jr. The candidate for Senate. The search is on for a new church since I do not feel like I need to be somewhere that substitutes a political rally for a Sunday School class.

I know how much it meant to you for me to be back in church and I promised the day you died to go back. I have missed a few days here and there, but I am trying. It is just so hard to be a grown up. It was much easier when I was a kid and having you stand over my bed making me get up, get dressed and get to church with the family. Ha! I remember the time that we saw someone leaving from church with a reindeer or something on the grill of their car and I was making fun and you, so seriously, asked me if I didn’t see the one on our car. In all of my preteen angst, I was mortified! How could you do this to me? Once, I spent the night with a friend on Saturday and after church we had to stop at IGA. Daddy and I went inside to get whatever we needed and while I was inside, you hung my training bra on the antenna. Again, mortified. What I wouldn’t do for you to mortify me again in front of all my friends. I would give anything to see you do Y-M-C-A at Josie’s with a houseful of my friends just one time.

Fear not, the hunt continues for the church for me and I will find it, I promise. You are going to be proud—I promise.

More,

Happy Birthday John (it was March 7th)

My gift to myself for letting John turn 30 without strangling him was an iPod. I honestly do not know how I lived before I had this thing. I made fun of people with these things and how STUPID to spend that much money on something like that, but I take it all back and admit that I am wrong. Not only can I put my music on there, and every single person I know, I am asking for their CD collection from their car to put on there too, but my entire life is on this thing! It has enough space that I can backup my laptop on it as an external hard drive and I can add my pictures in it as well to show off all these kids I know and love at any given moment. The clincher is that I can synchronize it with my Outlook contacts and calendar so that I can have those everywhere too. I am so giddy with excitement over all this fun stuff. The only downside is my rhythm. I can’t dance. As I toil down Airways to work, I realize that people are laughing at me because I am really rocking in my car, just singing!!, and there is no rhythm there at all. It’s quite sad. You always knew it and tried to tell me that I didn’t get your dancing genes. Sometimes in church when I was little, we would clap along with the songs, and you would look at me and try to help me get on the beat. The best was the time that you told me a few years ago that you always felt so sorry for me at the JPC dances because I would be out there trying dancing with everyone else and I just couldn’t get it. You were right, I am not getting it but I really don’t care now because I can tell you what time it is in Bangkok as I listen to “Walk Like an Egyptian” and think of Skateland.

More,

Figures

One of my new volunteer projects is Memphis in May. Tonight was my first meeting and of course, would you believe that the country they are spotlighting this year is Costa Rica and the logo for the year has a huge frog on it. Every time I see anything with Costa Rica it reminds me of you and Daddy. It was the first time you left me!!!! And, maybe where you got Neall... So here I am, to spend from now until the end of May with frogs--that of course remind me of you-- and Costa Rica. Should be fun...

More,