Peace in my Little Valley

Today was such a wonderful, absolutely peaceful day. I needed one of those. I got up this morning intent on going to church, Galloway Methodist, and since Tara is looking as well, I convinced her that we should try the church at the end of my street. So, being the dear that she is, she came all the way to my house and off we went. I wasn't sure what to think when we got there and the service was held in a very, very tiny sanctuary. It reminded me of Grandma Jackson's church in Oaklawn, AR since there were only nine rows of pews on each side and maybe thirty people there. I was pretty shocked since this is a huge church if you see it only from the outside and there are always lots of people there when I drive by for one event or another. Some of the things that I am looking for in attending church were there today. There were people on the other side of the room that came over to shake our hands when they did the meet and greet section and they actually SANG songs--not the slow drawn out songs, but actually sang them with excitement. I remember you always loved Revelations and talk of the rapture. And they even sang that last verse of Amazing Grace, which started the tears.

The sermon was about prayer and how important it is for us all. She talked about how some times things happen and no one can explain it and how important it is to go to God in prayer. Some people will tell you that God did this for a reason or what not and the pastor said that no, God does not do this to us for a reason but that does not mean that He doesn't want us to learn something from it. That touched me in a way that I can never explain. It has been so hard since you left us when people say that God has a reason for this. Well, as sacrilegious as it is, it is hard for me not to scream, "I don't care what His reason is, it can't be worth this!" But to think that His heart is sad too that you suffered and that you leaving us has broken us in ways that no one can know, makes it a little more bearable. She told a story of a woman who had been molested as a child and her dilemma in trusting a god that let this happen. God isn't happy to see that happen and he didn't let that happen to her, and sometimes, you want to scream, "God, damn that person for this". I can relate, I often want to scream, "God, damn brain cancer" and I feel okay for feeling that way now. That is good. I was of course sitting there with tears streaming and of course the only thing in my purse (never one known for preparedness!) were the fabric samples of the dining room renovation. So, as I sat with striped upholstery fabric dabbing my eyes, a lady behind got up, went and got me a Kleenex and brought it to me. Wow. Then I looked at Tara, as in "Can you believe this? Why can't I get this steady trickle to end?" to see her tears streaming. How to react to your right hand and rock crying? I know the sermon was touching and all, but I know that her tears are from seeing me hurt. Knowing that a friend is so dear that my pain makes her hurt, is more than I can comprehend and more than I could ever have imagined. Just the beginning of good things that were created from our great tragedy.

I am a different person now. I am a better person now. The "little stuff" just doesn't get to me like it did, I really just don't care. For better or worse, I am not able to waste my time with those that are not being a positive force in my life. I am taking charge of me and facing my fears head on now--let's remember the removal of the dead rat, that's a big one for me! I am finding a creative and artistic side I never knew I had. What is a math nerd like me doing painting and crafting? I have lost 30 pounds and two dress sizes--half way to my goal. I feel stronger--if I can handle this and wake up every morning and be productive, then I am proud of me. Does that mean it was worth it or this was the reason? No, if I thought it would bring you back, I would be down on 3rd Street smoking crack and hooking! But it won't. The only thing I can do to bring you back is to be the best person I can be and make you proud of me and let people see you in me.

As we left today, all I could think is, what in the world do I say on the VERY brief ride home from church to Tara? I settled on, "So obviously, that touched me in some way so I guess I need to go back there, huh?" She agreed.

I then went to Wynne and Daddy cooked out. Then we went to Wal-Mart to get flowers for my beds out front and Pat came over. It's strange to be there, in your garden where Daddy moved your bulbs to where you had the little markers from last year already in place for them, and you not dance out on to the deck, but we do it. And we laugh at how you never really one to be concerned with weeds, just planting flowers, weeds and all. Isn't that kind of how we are now? Flowers with weeds sporadically around us?

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