Well I guess it is better late than never but you wanted me back in church and I went today. I have been wanting to get back into church for a long time but it is so difficult when you don't have family going to a church already and to just pop in somewhere by yourself. Excuses, excuses, I know. So, I knew this was the time I needed to start going--I need all the help and support I can get and I know that my faith and inner strenth is going to be tested now more than it ever has or ever will again. So, I went to Idlewild Presbyterian today. I wanted something that is close to my home and has a daycare (when these little ones ever show up and I have to put them in a daycare, I think I will be more comfortable with them somewhere that I go to church). I really liked it, everyone was really nice and they have a lot of opportunities for people my age to get involved and a volunteer program with their elementary school tutoring kids--oh to spread the love of math to little ones!! And even better, it's a formal church. I didn't want somewhere that wears jeans or anything like that--it's church! It's supposed to be dressy so I liked that as well. You should have seen me trying to get out of here. I of course overslept and was a basket case trying to get shoes on and out the door, and poor John gets the brunt of it as usual. I was a few minutes late, but I promised you when you left us that I would go, and I couldn't very well miss the first Sunday after that! I know that from now on, my life is going to be so very different. I am not ever going to have the typical family unit that I always imagined, one with a grandma and blood relatives for my kids, so I need to create a new family life for us. I mean really, can Daddy be expected to really do it all? We are going to start a new tradition where I come to Wynne every Sunday after I get out of church, which he seemed to like. Oh good grief, maybe we can go to Grandma's sometimes after that? Shesh! What a day this could turn into being!
I have visions of you and Grandma Ruth talking and laughing and shopping like you and I did and she couldn't while she was so sick, all the things you guys missed out on. Daddy is quite amazed at how much money you spent--I can't believe that, did he not have eyes to see all the stuff you always had around? I can imagine you and Mutt & Richard sitting on a beach somewhere having a nice glass of wine (now that you have acquired your taste for wine) and just laughing and cutting up. Oh, momma, I think these thoughts are the only thing that keep me sane right now. I miss you so much and it's only been a week.
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Tara, I've been genuinely touched reading your ever-expanding series of blogs. While I've primarily left commentary to Stacy, you've reached a point where I have an unfortunate level of experience so I thought I'd weigh in.
I lost my mom 14 years ago in March, and I can assure you that it will get easier. You won't like it a bit better, but it will ease. What you're dealing with now is far too profound to ever leave you, but the love you feel will likewise keep her forever at your side.
For a while, you'll do things like unwittingly reach for the phone to call her...and then you'll cry. That'll pass, then you'll realize that you don't need the phone. You'll just start talking and her answers will be there. I know, that sounds really sappy to anyone who hasn't been there, but they'll find out in their own time.
Call if you need someone to listen. We love you.
cf
p.s. Reagan book and formal church...have we met?
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