The First Day of the Rest of my Life

Today is the first day after you died, the services are over, and it's time to start living again. I have been in Wynne since Friday and Daddy made me leave today. We went this morning to pick out your headstone, we took photos of grandma's stone to get them the same, and then went to visit Grandma Jackson in Lonoke. Dad and I then went to Little Rock to get some stuff from the hospital and then had lunch at Red Lobster. I asked him where he wanted to go and that was his choice. After we got there, he told me that this was where you two went on December 5th before the MRI. I am sure that is why he wanted to go. Mom, you would be so proud of him. He is being so strong. Whether it is for Neall and I or not, I will never know, but he is being so strong. He loves you so much. He told me that he was going to plant your flowers this spring where you put the markers for them and that he was even going to go to Gulf Shores next January for a month like you did last year. To think that on the extended holiday last year, we were in Gulf Shores freezing in the wind and worrying about the house toppling over is just unreal. This photo of you and the girls tickles me to no end.

You cannot imagine how many folks were at your visitation. They ended up having to call the police to control traffic and there was a line wrapped around the building. The rumor at the funeral home was that there was close to 500 people there--of course, that was no surpise to us. Everyone loves you. You were the highlight of everyone's day. I have heard so many stories lately that I had no idea of about you! Sometimes I have to wonder if I knew you as well as I thought I did, but then I realize that you were just such a large life force that you can't be known by one person entirely. I tell Daddy stuff that shocks him, your girlfriends know things that we will never know and there is no telling what Daddy knows that no one knows--and with him being so mouthy (:)), there is no way we will ever know that stuff!! I think of how all of us were there this weekend and this week and how nothing would have made you happier. Me, Neall and Daddy of course, ET and T and Lance and Tina and the kids, Gary and the boys, Margaret, Sandy and Ruby. And Cathy flew in from Denver. How wonderful was that? It meant a lot to Daddy I think. Of course, Margaret and Cathy were bonding over their liberal ideals and I finally had to just leave them be! Can you imagine?? Cathy was earlier in the day reading a Jimmy Carter book and left it on the coffee table, I told her she was leaving that precariously close to our Reagan book and to be careful--hopefully she got my humor. I am so used to be the only right winger in a room and making remarks, I hope that Cathy took them in the way I meant them. We shall see.... I wrote her a long letter tonight and plan on doing so often. I want so dearly to hold on to the family we have.

Your brother. He loves you so much. He was looking at pictures of you as a little girl and said that you would run out in the yard and tell him to give you a smacker (asking for a kiss on the cheek). I think for the rest of my life, I will ask for smackers! And poor Bill at the funeral home, he was so sad about you leaving us and he told us how that everytime you called him, you hung up with saying "sweetheart". I can hear it now.

Mom, you will never know how many people love you--and no one loves you the way that I do. You are my mother, my best friend, and my sister all rolled in to one incredible vibrant person. Tara and I are going to take a quilting class so that we can make a quilt of all your pajamas. I want to have something to have you with me all the time. Maybe I will have enought left over to make a baby quilt as well. If that baby ever gets here, he or she will want to have you around all the time.

Oh my God! I almost forgot about the Red Hats! They love you so much, but you know that. They took you to the cemetary yesterday and did their own little ceremony. Oh momma, to be so tiny--Tara and I will always call you Twiggy!--you left the biggest hole in so many hearts. I hope that you knew that and I hope that you will always watch over me and know that everyday of my life is filled with me wishing you were here.

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