I lied.

Yesterday was not better and I may very well be a pity party.

So, I do in fact have a dining rooom table top, I discovered last night. After weeks of running in and out of the house, always bringing more and more and more stuff in, I finally got some similance of normalcy to the dining room again. All of grandma's boxes are put somewhere. I am not saying that I went through everything but I did get the boxes of photos all put in an orderly line in my office, the furniture is in the basement, the fifteen boxes of unopened lotions are in my bathroom closet, you get the picture. Not too long ago, Neall and I were talking with someone about if our houses caught on fire, what we would get out. Neall said he could be out in a second because he had a small box with all his valuables on the dresser and that valet beside the bed. I would likely burn to death trying to get back up those narrow basement stairs with all the stuff that is special down there, your clothes, purses, shoes, etc., really, the vision of me with fifteen purses thrown around my neck and all these clothes and shoes in hand is quite comical, then, I would have stop and pick up grandma's china in the dining room and her armoire from the guest/"God-please-let-this-be-a-nursery-soon" room, then into the Razorback room to get all the pictures and every birthday card, anniversary card, thank you card, just you love me card you ever gave me (and yes, all these cards and filed and labeled accordingly among all my "special" cards) . But it is all put somewhere at this point so I can back to my photo scanning project. I am conservatively estimating that I have in the neighborhood of 5,000 photos to scan eventually.

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What a day...

We went today to get every single last thing out of grandma's apartment. Wow. Daddy said we needed to take both my Jeep and your Pilot and Neall and I thought he was nuts, but he was so very right. Jeez, how much should one child have to admit her parents are right all the time? I am sure I have reached my quota. So the cars were both completely filled. I even had to open the back window on my truck to slide stuff in for fear of opening the back hatch and it all falling onto the parking lot. But it's all out. All of it. Mrs. Bonady volunteered to take the clothes to the workshop for me tomorrow if I left them on her carport. I left 12 trash bags! That might not have been what she had in mind--but I am so thankful to have her do it for me. But the rest has come home with me. We got rid of so much but there was a lot that we didn't want to get rid of--Daddy wanted to keep her dining room set and I couldn't stand to get rid of her bedroom suite, but it's all collected in my basement so there is a little tiny second home down there at this point. Also since Tara and I are about to take up quilting so I brought home her quilting stands too, so this should be interesting. John might very well have reached his breaking point I must say. I told him when we bought the house that if he let me do whatever I wanted upstairs, that he could have the entire basement for all his fun. Slowly, but surely, I have taken over the two small rooms downstairs. One is now my closet (which, is wonderful I must say--I am the envy of chicks everywhere with that closet and with all the clothes of yours I brought home, I needed the room but I am almost full down there too) and the other is my gift room now mutating into an art room with the quilting and painting stuff. He balked a little at me taking those rooms but then when I put a bedroom suite and a dining room set in the remaining area, I got THE LOOK. Hmmm... we'll see how much longer he lets me get by with this. Before you know it, that poor guy is going to be stuck with the little single size closet in our bedroom as the only thing that is his and his alone. The painting that I did for Tara as a joke! is something she really liked. The photo above is the painting in her bathroom. When they moved in, they had pink and black tile! Can you imagine! So of course in her infinite wisdom, she made it the best ever by doing it all in Elvis. I mean, we are in Memphis right? So, after we saw a painting of in Little Rock titled Jesus loves Elvis, I told her I would paint her one and she hung it up! The photo at the top is it in all it's glory. So funny. The Elvis cow is the Cow Parade that Aunt Mutt gave you one year for Christmas. You can't imagine how Tara loved it--she loves you so much and I only thought it appropriate for her to have it now.

The other big news of the week is the sweet comments made for you at the Chamber of Commerce banquet Thursday night. When discussing the Ambassadors, they showed a photo of you and Daddy at last year's banquet and said great things about you. Who couldn't??? And at the very same meeting, they gave DeAngelo and Antonio awards for being such great role models for kids and ambassadors for the city. You and your favorite kid in the same banquet, quite impressive. Oh, momma, all the people who have your fingerprints on their lives. No one, ever, ever, ever will ever be like you. Today I miss you more than I have yet. Today was bad. Today was a day that the only person in the entire world that I wanted to call when I was so tired coming home wasn't there. Today was a day that I wanted to tell you how that I can only look at Daddy and see how much he loves you and that your poor pup Jasmine is so confused that she just kind of looks at you like "what the heck is going on". I should be able to call you and we would laugh at how silly they both were. It reminds me of when you were in Gulf Shores for the two weeks last year after Daddy and Jasmine came back to Wynne. I missed you then, even though we still talked every day but knowing you weren't an hour away was weird. It seems so much like that but I know that you aren't coming back--the two weeks mark was today and you aren't home and you aren't coming home. I love you so much and thank goodness I have not only my friends but your friends, if they weren't there for me, I don't know that I could do it. Tomorrow will be better--I am not going to be a pity party from here on out, I promise. I just really wanted you today and missed you more than usual. I love you...

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I Can See Clearly Now

Every year you give me the best Razorback presents for Christmas. This was one that you must have bought months ago and it will always be my second favorite since it was the last one you gave me. Well, I say that, but my REAL favorite Razorback gift is the other one you gave me this year. When I was the Fan of the Week in the Commercial Appeal, you went a little nutty and bought a zillion papers. When you went to the South Carolina game, you took it with you and I asked you why in the world you were doing that and you responded with "Because you never know who I might see". Of course, I rolled my eyes but a few hours later you called saying, "Guess who I saw?? Frank Broyles!" Anyone that knows you can see this entire scene being played out: You rush (probably in a semi-dance/semi-walk) up to Mr. Broyles, Daddy standing back with that "what I am supposed to do to stop this?" look and you tell him that you are from Wynne and you know so and so is from Wynne, "just to give him a connection" as you told me, and he said to send him the article and he'd have Houston Nutt sign it. Well, you did and he and Houston signed it and sent it back to you. The week after Thanksgiving, you dropped it off to be matted and framed. That was the last day you drove, pretty much the last day you were able to do much of any thing on your own and you and Mrs. Bonady are out toiling around town, and we found out about the tumor on the next Monday. Of course it looks great, and knowing the timing on it, makes it that much more special. It is hard to look at anything in my home that doesn't remind me of you.

But the glasses are yours. I have always loved those glasses on you so I took them and had my lenses put in the frames. So today, when everyone commented on my "new glasses", I got to tell them they were yours. I love it! So, I did an Elvis painting for Tara S. for her Elvis bathroom as a joke, and it turns out that everyone really likes it. So funny! I did it as a joke, but I think I may try to do some of this. I am going to try and get rid of one or two on eBay (that way there is complete anonymity) and see if anyone else likes other than Tara S (since she kind of has to...) to see if this could be something fun to do for a pastime. Thank goodness I have glasses with my current prescription in them to see well while I am an artiste! I am sure you are getting a kick out of it...

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Oh, Monday, Monday...

Today was my first day back at work and actually went okay. I had PLENTY of emails to go through when I got back, which took most of the morning and then went to work on some of the stuff I have neglected for the past few weeks while I have been "distracted". It is so weird how people act, it makes me really look at the way I behave when people have tragedies in their lives. Some coworkers said how sorry they were and then others just looked at the floor and ran away very quickly when they saw me. I know they just don't know what to say or how to act, but it is so very strange. I remember this guy whose wife died and when I went up to tell him how sorry I was, I started crying because I just felt so bad for him and then felt like such a jerk; I am sure there is some happy medium between the two though!!!

So, I am finally putting up all the laundry that has been lagging for the past two months and all the stuff I brought that was yours, and my goodness, I have a lot of STUFF and you know how big my closet is! I am almost a little embarrassed; I really have to go through all this and get rid of stuff. Ever since you got sick, I have worn either something of yours, something you gave me or something we bought together every day, even if it is just a bracelet or a pin. I am terrified to think how poorly dressed I will be without you here to help me pick stuff out! Or, how about everytime you go to Branson and you go to the Jockey store and stock up. Will I ever buy new underwear again that I don't think of you? Oprah says that you need to wear "big girl" panties to make you look ten pounds lighter (Tara S. keeps me up on Oprah's theories since I refuse to watch after she made that comment of working three jobs, blah blah blah, I am quite sure that Oprah has no idea what I was going through working two jobs and going to school for so long), and there were about twenty new pairs in a bag in your secret Christmas hiding spot (that was never that good of a hiddy spot) that I was so tickled to find. I gave Tara some and kept the rest and we thank you, so if anyone says we look thinner, we can only thank you. :)

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Here is the church, Here is the steeple, Open it up and see all the people...

Well I guess it is better late than never but you wanted me back in church and I went today. I have been wanting to get back into church for a long time but it is so difficult when you don't have family going to a church already and to just pop in somewhere by yourself. Excuses, excuses, I know. So, I knew this was the time I needed to start going--I need all the help and support I can get and I know that my faith and inner strenth is going to be tested now more than it ever has or ever will again. So, I went to Idlewild Presbyterian today. I wanted something that is close to my home and has a daycare (when these little ones ever show up and I have to put them in a daycare, I think I will be more comfortable with them somewhere that I go to church). I really liked it, everyone was really nice and they have a lot of opportunities for people my age to get involved and a volunteer program with their elementary school tutoring kids--oh to spread the love of math to little ones!! And even better, it's a formal church. I didn't want somewhere that wears jeans or anything like that--it's church! It's supposed to be dressy so I liked that as well. You should have seen me trying to get out of here. I of course overslept and was a basket case trying to get shoes on and out the door, and poor John gets the brunt of it as usual. I was a few minutes late, but I promised you when you left us that I would go, and I couldn't very well miss the first Sunday after that! I know that from now on, my life is going to be so very different. I am not ever going to have the typical family unit that I always imagined, one with a grandma and blood relatives for my kids, so I need to create a new family life for us. I mean really, can Daddy be expected to really do it all? We are going to start a new tradition where I come to Wynne every Sunday after I get out of church, which he seemed to like. Oh good grief, maybe we can go to Grandma's sometimes after that? Shesh! What a day this could turn into being!

I have visions of you and Grandma Ruth talking and laughing and shopping like you and I did and she couldn't while she was so sick, all the things you guys missed out on. Daddy is quite amazed at how much money you spent--I can't believe that, did he not have eyes to see all the stuff you always had around? I can imagine you and Mutt & Richard sitting on a beach somewhere having a nice glass of wine (now that you have acquired your taste for wine) and just laughing and cutting up. Oh, momma, I think these thoughts are the only thing that keep me sane right now. I miss you so much and it's only been a week.

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Sausage and Such

Daddy went to the grocery store today and bought stuff that he wanted--stuff that you would have never gotten! Sausage and mahi-mahi to fix at home (yes you can do that by the way, you don't have to get it at Landry's, you can actually make it at home in that thing called an oven). I asked if he got saurkraut and he said that was on the list for next time. Yucky. Tara and Theresa are coming over tonight to help me take down the Christmas tree finally. With me gone, I didn't want John taking it down becuase if he had broken a single Hog ornament that you have given me, I might have divorced him. But if I told him that, he might have done it on purpose. That boy, I swear, what in the world would I be doing without him? He's so good to me and holds me and lets me cry and scream and even pound on his chest.

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The First Day of the Rest of my Life

Today is the first day after you died, the services are over, and it's time to start living again. I have been in Wynne since Friday and Daddy made me leave today. We went this morning to pick out your headstone, we took photos of grandma's stone to get them the same, and then went to visit Grandma Jackson in Lonoke. Dad and I then went to Little Rock to get some stuff from the hospital and then had lunch at Red Lobster. I asked him where he wanted to go and that was his choice. After we got there, he told me that this was where you two went on December 5th before the MRI. I am sure that is why he wanted to go. Mom, you would be so proud of him. He is being so strong. Whether it is for Neall and I or not, I will never know, but he is being so strong. He loves you so much. He told me that he was going to plant your flowers this spring where you put the markers for them and that he was even going to go to Gulf Shores next January for a month like you did last year. To think that on the extended holiday last year, we were in Gulf Shores freezing in the wind and worrying about the house toppling over is just unreal. This photo of you and the girls tickles me to no end.

You cannot imagine how many folks were at your visitation. They ended up having to call the police to control traffic and there was a line wrapped around the building. The rumor at the funeral home was that there was close to 500 people there--of course, that was no surpise to us. Everyone loves you. You were the highlight of everyone's day. I have heard so many stories lately that I had no idea of about you! Sometimes I have to wonder if I knew you as well as I thought I did, but then I realize that you were just such a large life force that you can't be known by one person entirely. I tell Daddy stuff that shocks him, your girlfriends know things that we will never know and there is no telling what Daddy knows that no one knows--and with him being so mouthy (:)), there is no way we will ever know that stuff!! I think of how all of us were there this weekend and this week and how nothing would have made you happier. Me, Neall and Daddy of course, ET and T and Lance and Tina and the kids, Gary and the boys, Margaret, Sandy and Ruby. And Cathy flew in from Denver. How wonderful was that? It meant a lot to Daddy I think. Of course, Margaret and Cathy were bonding over their liberal ideals and I finally had to just leave them be! Can you imagine?? Cathy was earlier in the day reading a Jimmy Carter book and left it on the coffee table, I told her she was leaving that precariously close to our Reagan book and to be careful--hopefully she got my humor. I am so used to be the only right winger in a room and making remarks, I hope that Cathy took them in the way I meant them. We shall see.... I wrote her a long letter tonight and plan on doing so often. I want so dearly to hold on to the family we have.

Your brother. He loves you so much. He was looking at pictures of you as a little girl and said that you would run out in the yard and tell him to give you a smacker (asking for a kiss on the cheek). I think for the rest of my life, I will ask for smackers! And poor Bill at the funeral home, he was so sad about you leaving us and he told us how that everytime you called him, you hung up with saying "sweetheart". I can hear it now.

Mom, you will never know how many people love you--and no one loves you the way that I do. You are my mother, my best friend, and my sister all rolled in to one incredible vibrant person. Tara and I are going to take a quilting class so that we can make a quilt of all your pajamas. I want to have something to have you with me all the time. Maybe I will have enought left over to make a baby quilt as well. If that baby ever gets here, he or she will want to have you around all the time.

Oh my God! I almost forgot about the Red Hats! They love you so much, but you know that. They took you to the cemetary yesterday and did their own little ceremony. Oh momma, to be so tiny--Tara and I will always call you Twiggy!--you left the biggest hole in so many hearts. I hope that you knew that and I hope that you will always watch over me and know that everyday of my life is filled with me wishing you were here.

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