Today's a Day

With only five days left (but who is counting?) until we leave on our vacation, I am trying to get things somewhat in order around the house. It seems my new schedule is not working with me however. I had promised to do a desk for a friend to give as a birthday gift and here we are, tomorrow the birthday party, and I am realizing that I forgot to paint the inside of the desk. So before church this morning, I am on the front porch painting (well ventilated--outside--and with my little mask of course!). This is the schedule of my life these days, doing insane little chores in about fifteen minutes of spare time so that I can get to bed at 8pm. What is that????

I finally got in touch with your brother yesterday. I have been quite worried about him the past few weeks since I couldn't get in touch with him at all. When he called to tell me he had moved, I let his son know and since then, they have been inseperable. Good things continue to surprise me these days.

Wish you were here to see it--you would love it as well, More,

Best Dad Ever

So the best dad ever probably had the strangest Father's Day ever this year--he's never been a father without you here. Neall's inlaws were kind enough to invite us over to spend the day with their family so it was nice. We had a good time and then got back to Neall and Becca's in plenty of time for Daddy to give gardening advice to them. Their yard is huge and their garden has taken off wonderfully. The idea of Neall growing eggplant--much less eating eggplant--is quite comical. I brought some flowers from my flower beds out to you yesterday, in a little Razorback plastic cup, no less, so that you would know we all thought of you and wished you were with us. When I got home, the Father's Day card I had sent Daddy was on the kitchen table so I had to remind him that these always were to be stood up on the piano, which made him smile, ah, yes... they do...

Week 6

This baby is a brain snatcher. That’s all I can make it out to be at this point. First, I shredded Daddy’s debit card. I had all kinds of bills on my desk and I got up to shred them after I paid them and I wondered why in the world that shredder was going so slow and being so loud—ah… because it has plastic in it, that’s why. Last week at the Kroger, I got a meat and veggie plate to have for lunch after I finished my grocery shopping. I asked the guy for extra gravy on my potatoes since I was pregnant and he happily agreed. So, I do think this is going to have its perks. However, the day after I was at Kroger, I found a bag of groceries that I had missed in the back of my Jeep—three frozen pizzas, a 32 oz bag of shredded cheese and two boxes of Hot Pockets.

So far, so good. I am over the exhausted phase, I hope. For two weeks I was so tired that I went home at lunch and took a nap. I am not so tired now, but still a little sleepy. That could have to do with the bi-hourly eatings I am doing. As long as I am eating, I don’t get as sick, so I just continue to shove food in my mouth. I have never in my entire life been so very happy to be tired and pukey with sore boobs though. My neighbor stopped me the other day to ask me what was going on because I looked so happy. Another one who knows we are pregnant came over to tell me I was in fact glowing. I just go and sit in what will be the nursery and stare. I honestly just can’t believe it. What is going to be the baby’s closet had a few things in it, so I cleaned it out this weekend and moved it all into the closet in my office. At the top of the closet was a bag of little boy clothes, three Razorback outfits included, that I can’t remember where it came from. I think you must have bought them at a yard sale and I just stuffed them up there. I can only imagine how excited you would be right now with all this going on around you. But you are here and in every piece of that room and our whole lives. All the little clothes of mine when I was a little girl are still in the bags you brought them over in, ready to be put to good use, for photos of course. I can hear you now saying to just take the picture and get her out of it—don’t let her run around playing in those outfits and ruin them. I won’t. Every one of them is one I remember seeing a photo of me wearing. Your YaYa wooden letter sign is proudly ready in the nursery for him to look up to while he is trying to get some sleep. Who would have thought that one little 2mm baby would have made me feel like everything is right in the world for the first time in six months?

Long time, no blog...

I am not saying to whom these belong, but I will say that somewhere, Two Tara’s have both added Johnny Jump Up’s to their Christmas Wish Lists.

Bath-Time

It was way past time for the outside puppies bi-annual bath but I am not sure we are getting the desired effect here as each of them ran straight to the dirt area by their toy box and rolled eagerly. Both then headed straight to their pool and got it filthy.

Anna before... Luke before...
Luke after...

Anna after...

That guy has all the luck..

Jimmy Buffett, FYI, will be 60 on Christmas Day.

My God, how old is Jimmy Buffett?????

And does he ever not smile??? It takes so little to send me into a tailspin these days and so little to make me snap back to reality. Today it is Jimmy Buffett. He was on the Today Show this morning and they are having so much fun on stage. And he's freaking barefoot! He's talking about going on a two week tour. Two weeks that he gets to go to work having fun on stage. It takes a lot of kutzpuh to be barefoot, in pink shorts and a turquoise t-shirt in Rockefeller Center. All of the "Parrotheads" were there in full Parrot Gear to sing and dance along with him. Each one of them has had something horrible happen to them at one time or another and they are there, having fun, smiling and laughing. There are girlfriends there together and men and couples and everything. There is no way not to smile watching them!! And of course, "if we didn't laugh, we would all go insane".

I slept in this morning until 815 and now have to get to work on the living room, John will be home in six short hours and then nothing will get done!! More,

And then I worry some more...

I worry about friends. My friends and your friends and how this has happened. We were so fun! You were always the life of the party and now they are missing you. All of them are so strong and so resilient and I know they are all going to be okay. When you first got sick and then we lost you, I thought of stepping back from my friends. I have friends that I think I am as incredibly, unbelievably close to as you were your girls. I saw the hurt and pain in them and I want to buffer myself from ever hurting that way. But, I know that to do that would only be to cheat myself from a lifetime (albeit short lifetime) of memories and good times.

Where am I now? My friends are so wonderful and so generous and so supportive, but where will that end? No one I know has ever been through this, no one can imagine. My husband lost his mother two years ago and while he hurts and he misses her, it is not like this. A mother and daughter is different from a mother and a son. A mother and daughter that actually like each other? And value each other's company and opinions? Wow. I thought when Grandma Ruth died that I understood unfathomable pain. My body literally ached and I told Natalie at the funeral that if I started to cry, I would never stop. I thought it to be true. I can remember crying only months ago while thinking of her. But it was nothing to this pain. You told me once that there was nothing as empty and hollow as losing your mom. I always thought that it was because you lost your dad first and when your mom died, it was the last of your parents. No, there really is nothing like losing your momma. As the horrible, horrible person that I am sometimes, I am jealous of you, not for the years that you spent taking care of grandma, I know that I would have not been up to that pressure and would have succummed long ago, but that you lived only 11 years after your mom died. I could very well live another 60 years. That is me living only a third of my life with you in it. Will I remember you then? Sometimes, I can barely remember the sound of your voice now. What kind of daughter am I? Even though things seem bleak sometimes that I will ever have babies of my own, I wonder how will I ever tell them and their children about you if I can't even remember the sound of your voice?????? What is so wrong with me?

I worry that my friends, who are so very good to me--better than I could ever hope, will say that enough is enough and I need to move on with my life. How long can I call them crying that I had a bad day? I can't fifteen years from now call and say, "man, today sucks because I wish my mom was here" in tears, since they will more than likely not understand still, as they will more than likely have their mom with them at their son's soccer game when I interrupt with my call. I am so lucky to have so many people that love me and I am so scared that I am going to run them off in no time flat.

When you found out about the tumor, you cried and said you didn't want to die at Christmas because it would always ruin it for us. It wasn't Christmas you had to worry about being hard for us from now on, it was every day. There was not a single day in the year that you could have left us that would have made it any easier; every day is a challenge and I hope you know that we love you and I hope that you know that we are only trying to get by without you and make you proud, More,

Proud owner of one normal lip...

Well, the lip has returned to it's normal size and shape, thankfully. As my dear friend put it, she was buying me a taboggen and calling me MushMouth, which I found very unsupportive, alas...

Today started out as a great day as I danced in with braggery that I was taking off tomorrow and things just went downhill from there. I worry about it all--I worry about work, I worry about your brother, I worry about my brother, I worry about daddy, I worry about my expecting and hoping to be expectng friends, I worry about these babies that it seems are not ever going to be conceived, I worry about what if these babies do ever get here and I can't do it, I worry, I worry, I worry. I really need a drink. And yet, there are 61 minutes until I get off of work.

You have got to be kidding me...

Before my 30th birthday, Tara was terribly distraught that I really just didn’t care. She couldn’t understand how this monumental day did not bother me. Well, I admit now that I totally underestimated what 30 would do to me. This has been a year of firsts of course, but I never imagined so many firsts to occur to my body. There was the first gray hair, the first “down there” infection due to the antibiotics that I have been on for months for the first allergy infections and then there was this. The first swollen lip. I am not sure what in the world happened but I went home for lunch and heated up some mac and cheese from last night. I am pretty sure that it had nothing to do with the swelling as I didn’t get sick last night when I ate it. As I was watching Monday’s Oprah (Cesar from the Dog Whisperer was on there!), the left side of my lip felt a little numb and then it felt like there was something there. To my horror, I looked in the mirror to find a large marble hanging out between my lip and nose. The picture isn’t great but you get the general idea. You can also see a little of the phone as I called Tara wailing of my newest feature. This is one of those times that I needed one of my frantic, ranting calls to you. You more than likely would have held the phone out from your ear and rolled your eyes to whomever you were with, but you would have certainly have let me rant!!! More,

Things I didn't know...

1. A pregnant woman produces as many hormones during her pregnancy as a non child bearing woman does if she lived to 122.

2. Cooper Anderson, of Channel 1 and CNN fame, is the son of Gloria Vanderbilt.

I just had to hurry home to tell you...

My friend's dad died yesterday. So back we went to Wynne for another visitation at a funeral home. This one was at Kernodle's and I wondered how I would handle being there again after you were gone. I did better than I thought I would but still it was so emotional to see so many people hurting and thinking, yeah, it sucks. So everyone had pretty much left and the family stayed in the room and said goodbye again. After her family left, she sat in there with her husband and sobbed. We all sat in the hallway outside to give them space and I looked at her husband with that look, "you gotta get her out of here". After several more helpless moments, I just felt that I had more recent experience in this so I just went in, knelt in front of her, and told her that she had to pull it together. This was horrible and it was going to hurt like hell, but she had to get through it. She sat there and told me how she didn't understand how I was so strong. How was I so strong? I didn't think I was before but maybe I was/am. You did that for me. I saw you with grandma for so many years and only now can I understand the strength it took for you to be such a wonderful daughter. As horrible as it was for us to lose you so quickly, and so young, I know that I would have not been able to be the daughter you were to your mom if you had suffered as long as she did.

As much time as you spent at Kernodle's when you were doing the cemetary manager job, I wanted to say something to Mr. Kernodle. On the way out, I told him I was your daughter. He was so glad that I did and we talked about how much you were missed, how great you were to the cemetary, and how great Daddy was to do all the stuff he did. When we were leaving, he said he really couldn't tell who I resembled and I told him that telling me I looked like Ruth always was a good thing. Like a light bulb flipped on in his mind, he said, that's it! You look just like Ruth. Every now and then, someone would tell me I looked like Grandma Ruth and I would just melt. There is a mother's day photo that you said I looked like her and it was always so touching to me to think of that. I cannot think of any compliments that touch my soul more than thinking I look like her or remind people of you.

Afterwards, we went to my friend's mom's house and her aunt who worked with you at the school was there. We laughed at you counting down your days until you retired and the times that the kids sang "I'm Sorry Ms. Jackson" by Outkast to you. And I taught you the next lines so that you could sing it back to them. Always such a character, you were, and I love all of it about you, More,

Just to make you smile...

I have this photo on my cabinet at work and it always makes me smile. This was the pirate cruise we took after Neall and Becca's wedding and Dr. Price jumped into our shot at the last minute. So funny! It's such a great picture of all of us--how happy we all were!!! The two of us thought for sure that we'd need summer things, after all, the wedding was in Cancun. When we got there, we almost froze. You wore that suit most of the time and I borrowed Neall's Hogs sweatshirt for the entire trip. And then there was the Mystic Tan experience. You had been tanning for weeks before the trip and at the last minute, we both did Mystic Tans, the spray on stuff. I looked horrible--it was very unnatural--but yours looked great. You came out of the bathroom, laughing hysterically, that laugh that you did where you would have to lean against the wall or hold yourself up with the dresser or table and sometimes, you might even snort. You realized in the bathroom that, well, where the boobs were not quite as perky, the tanning spray didn't quite get and you had white crescent shaped moons.

My favorite thoughts of you are like this--the happiest and most exciting person around. More,

Tiny little fruits and veggies...

Well my fruit tree in the front yard that bloomed this year also is producing its first fruit. It has been so long since I planted it that I had forgotten exactly what kind of fruit it might produce, but it is an apple tree. Tiny little apples. Remember in Big when Tom Hanks's character is at the formal party and the tiny corns are there and he starts eating them like corn on the cob? That is all I can think of with the tiny little apples.

And here are my "recycled" planters. I saw them in a dumpster down the street and got them out and painted them. Of course when I was out there painting, this neighbor walked by and told me he was glad I got them, he was hoping someone would. So, now the entire street knows that I am dumpster diving!!!

We gotta stop meeting this way...

Why is it that as you get older, the only time you see anyone is at funerals? Five years ago, it was weddings and funerals but now, almost everyone I know is married so it's down to just funerals. John's mom's brother died yesterday and visitation was tonight in Wynne. I am not sure I could have done it had it been at Kernodle's but I did okay. John did not go with me, becuase he didn't think he could. I realized that a year ago, I would have called you and asked you to go pay my respects for me, which of course you would have done. However, I saw people tonight that I haven't seen in years, since John's mom's services, or since yours. How pathetic are we? I can't stand to think of a funeral home as a social setting but it seems to have become a way of life now. I am scared to think of when I will see some of these folks again--their entire existance will have just been shook to its very core at the loss of a loved one--and I will think, "oh I am so glad that I saw them!"

Daddy and I went to dinner and Neall met us up there. They are so funny. Neall would say, "did you eat all that?" (he hadn't, but the rest was in my to-go box) and it reminded me of you saying, "Richard!!!" when you walked in to the kitchen and caught him snacking on something. He looks good, he's trimmed up some and as long as he remembers to wear his belt, he looks great. And of course, you know Neall is just precious. He might drive me crazy but he is a pretty great guy. You should be so proud.

I guess this is a good followup week to Mother's Day. See, you did a great job with all of us. You were so worried about us when you got sick. The night before your surgery, we sat in your bed and talked for hours. It was hard to understand a lot of what you were saying, and when I pretended to understand what you meant, you would slam your fist, and tell me I was not getting it. I got it though--all of it. You love Daddy like no one ever deserved to be loved. But he did deserve it--he loved you just as much and was so very good to you and you were so very good to him. You told me that night that you would not have known what to do if Daddy had not made it through his heart surgery--that you couldn't have been here for us all these years. I never had seen you so vulnerable. You asked me to sleep in there with you that night and I didn't. I just want to make sure you know that I wanted to. I always slept with you when I stayed at home. But knowing that the next day was going to be so scary, we didn't know that you would make it through the surgery, I knew it was so important for you to be beside Daddy. I hope you know that now, it wasn't that I didn't want to be there for you. You did a good job with us, you taught us so many things and we appreciate it now, now that we are having to use the examples of strength from within every day. We love you so much and thank you not only this week after Mother's Day but forever, More,

We most certainly made it through yesterday...

We made it. All of us, in one piece, made it through the first Mother's Day. I couldn't go out there to see your grave but I will this weekend. I needed to pretend yesterday as much as I could. But no matter, I missed you yesterday, as I do everyday. As Neall showed us his new house, I thought of how you would have loved it and how Daddy shouldn't have had to be there alone discussing flowers and gardens with them.

I planted some flowers, that I bought with a gift card from a very special friend, in a few "recycled" planters. I made sure to get stuff that will come back so that every year I think of you. A little way to keep busy yesterday and not think of you not being here. We love you so much, all of us, more,

Happy Birthday to Tara S

Tara turned thirty (this was not the first thirtieth birthday, I might add...) and we went out to celebrate. Here is a photo of Tara, me, and Theresa.

With Mother's Day weekend approaching...

I am so lucky to have so many people thinking of me during this time. While I was disgusted to see all the mother's day ads, especially the ones that came in my email, I have to say that I was more than a little upset at the blatant disregard they had for those of us that have no mothers. But then I realized that I do have a mom, she may not be here for me to touch, but dammit she is here. You are here in every step I take, in every breath and in every smile I see. You are here in every time I see someone act silly with their friends or every time I see someone hug someone. You are there. Every child I see, I think of how badly I want one of my own, and I cry that you won't be there to see him or her but then I realize that you will, just in your own way. How lucky am I to have such a good mom that let me be that little crappy preteen I see at Wal-Mart acting like a shit? I am horrified to see them now, I see how I was and I am so embarrassed. I think that I told you, especially as I grew older, how much I appreciated all the things that you did for me that you didn't have to do. I tried to tell you but I never realized the full extent of it until you weren't here. You didn't have to call me when I didn't call you by 750 am on my way to work, but you did. You didn't have to come here to help me clean house or to help me paint a Razorback room. And you certainly didn't have to listen to all my rants and raves on the way to work. But you did, because you loved me. And you continue to love me. I know that and as bad as you not being here sucks, it may be the best Mother's Day of them all since I appreciate all of the other days with you together into one Day, More,

Cooking sucks

I tried that darn cooking thing again and again I say, you were right, as usual. My friend Theresa called and I asked what time it was, 8:30. Whatever!! I started cooking and cleaning up as soon as I got home from work. That's it. As soon as we finish out this round of groceries, I am done with the cooking. Blah!

The godfather of soul less than ten feet away...

You know, I really love Memphis. I used to think of Wynne as my home and Memphis where I was living in between the time I grew up in Wynne and when I moved home. John and I were talking of moving home when we had our babies and there are such great schools there and those babies would need to be close to a great grandma, or as you liked to call your future self, Yia-Yia. After you left us, I knew I would never be able to go back. My life as I imagined it being is never going to happen so I have to create a new life for myself and my family-to-be, however strange that may be. In the time I have lived here, I have always felt a little emotional surge when I come over the bridge but I really am trying to fit myself into a niche here and find out where my new home base will take me. So, volunteering has been a big goal of mine. I have been doing volunteer work for the past year or so, every chance I get, but the last few months have made it even more desirable. When a coworker said she volunteered last year for Memphis in May, I went to the website and signed up immediately. I was so lucky to get enlisted in the hospitality committee. I had no idea how much fun it would be. I was so jealous of all the others that had done this for years. There are people that come from all over, Nashville, Little Rock, Jonesboro, to volunteer here for years because of the great fun. They all knew each other and what was going on but I caught on by the end of Sunday. I know now that I will be taking off on Friday and Monday, staying the entire time and getting a hotel room downtown from now on!!! And I am trying to convince Tara to join me.

I thought at first it was so boring, we just kind of sat back but I realized soon that I would never be able to go to the Music Fest again with the "other folk". Lots of room backstage, a tent, a chair, and not all that fuss. There were certainly the busy times, when we had to fulfill the "rider" the headliner sent, but it was great fun. Bands send a rider saying their requests for their trailer. Usually, only the headliner gets one, but today we had both Chicago and James Brown and they wanted a four page list fulfilled. It was hysterical! We had a buffet meal for the artists and their groups, usually consisting of the stage hands and the roadies, but I got to serve the members of Chicago ribs!!! I restrained myself from telling them that when I was a kid, we always listened to Jim Croche, Three Dog Night and Chicago on family vacations. I made that mistake once in college. We used to go to BJ's StarStudded Honky Tonk and one night Joe Klein was there and I told him how that I used to watch him play for the Hogs when I was a kid and he was like, yeah, great, I am so old. Looking about at his belly button, I tried to explain, no I didn't mean you were old, but it really did no good.

James Brown's group was there and had been for a while and when he finally arrived, it was all atwitter at the backstage area. While the others drove up in their band buses, he arrived in a white limo--driving over plywood to cover the mud! His personal assistant was waiting on him and the limo pulled up with a bodyguard opening the door. It was like a movie--this black boot came out, complete with the silver toes, and out he came. All five feet of him--seriously he did not weigh more than 120 pounds! It was hysterical. His wife obviously had no idea about Music Fest and the rain it always has since she had on her stiletto heels and floor length floral wrap dress. It was great! Stuff like this--I never would have imagined--getting ice and beer and ribs for famous folk; it is so exciting to me!

On Thursday night, we had a meeting down there prior to the festival. I got a ride on a golf cart back up to the parking area. As I rode on the back of the cart back towards the old bridge, I was looking back towards the new bridge and realized how I suddenly had the best vision and seat in the city at that moment. Seeing the river and the lights on the bridge, I was hit with the idea that you know, this can be a great town. It may not be what I wanted for a home, it may not hold all the things I wanted to give my family-to-be but it's mine and I love it. I am so lucky to have such a great second opportunity and I have to work even harder to make it the best it can ever be. I know you are watching all of this and I hope you are happy with it, every day is us only trying to figure out how to live again, More,