I worry about friends. My friends and your friends and how this has happened. We were so fun! You were always the life of the party and now they are missing you. All of them are so strong and so resilient and I know they are all going to be okay. When you first got sick and then we lost you, I thought of stepping back from my friends. I have friends that I think I am as incredibly, unbelievably close to as you were your girls. I saw the hurt and pain in them and I want to buffer myself from ever hurting that way. But, I know that to do that would only be to cheat myself from a lifetime (albeit short lifetime) of memories and good times.
Where am I now? My friends are so wonderful and so generous and so supportive, but where will that end? No one I know has ever been through this, no one can imagine. My husband lost his mother two years ago and while he hurts and he misses her, it is not like this. A mother and daughter is different from a mother and a son. A mother and daughter that actually like each other? And value each other's company and opinions? Wow. I thought when Grandma Ruth died that I understood unfathomable pain. My body literally ached and I told Natalie at the funeral that if I started to cry, I would never stop. I thought it to be true. I can remember crying only months ago while thinking of her. But it was nothing to this pain. You told me once that there was nothing as empty and hollow as losing your mom. I always thought that it was because you lost your dad first and when your mom died, it was the last of your parents. No, there really is nothing like losing your momma. As the horrible, horrible person that I am sometimes, I am jealous of you, not for the years that you spent taking care of grandma, I know that I would have not been up to that pressure and would have succummed long ago, but that you lived only 11 years after your mom died. I could very well live another 60 years. That is me living only a third of my life with you in it. Will I remember you then? Sometimes, I can barely remember the sound of your voice now. What kind of daughter am I? Even though things seem bleak sometimes that I will ever have babies of my own, I wonder how will I ever tell them and their children about you if I can't even remember the sound of your voice?????? What is so wrong with me?
I worry that my friends, who are so very good to me--better than I could ever hope, will say that enough is enough and I need to move on with my life. How long can I call them crying that I had a bad day? I can't fifteen years from now call and say, "man, today sucks because I wish my mom was here" in tears, since they will more than likely not understand still, as they will more than likely have their mom with them at their son's soccer game when I interrupt with my call. I am so lucky to have so many people that love me and I am so scared that I am going to run them off in no time flat.
When you found out about the tumor, you cried and said you didn't want to die at Christmas because it would always ruin it for us. It wasn't Christmas you had to worry about being hard for us from now on, it was every day. There was not a single day in the year that you could have left us that would have made it any easier; every day is a challenge and I hope you know that we love you and I hope that you know that we are only trying to get by without you and make you proud, More,
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Oh, Baby - in 15 years you call me and any time in between. I have Teri's memory with me all the time and tell people she did this or that, or said this or that... Sometimes I think they think, so okay then... But then I know they understand because they knew her and loved her, too. For as long as God allows, I'll be here for you.
Oh, Baby - you call me in 15 years or anytime between! I always have her memory with me and talk about her a lot till I think people with want to say, ok then... But they knew and loved her, too, and they understand.
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