Showered and Pampered

Emmy, John and I have now been properly showered and pampered. The festivities got started when Tara, Natalie and Theresa threw me a shower for some of our friends. Of course, everyone went way over board and the hostesses gave us our travel system. The next weekend, TWENTY ONE of your friends threw us a shower in Wynne. Wow. It was so exciting and everyone was so generous but I couldn't help but feel like a little snot when I was sitting there with mounds of gifts around me. It can be so overwhelming to think of so many people caring for you and wanting to help. Then, some friends at work had a shower and then Friday, my office threw a shower there! I think they threw that one in just so they could have an excuse for cake, but what do I know... :)

So, now that we are materially well prepared and ready for her arrival, Emmy is taking her own sweet time. Yesterday I went to the doctor and we are 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. So, we are back to it could be any minute or another two weeks!!! My vote is for Sunday afternoon but John thinks she will be arriving tomorrow night, I think. Oh, I cannot tell you how badly I wish you were here. So selfish of me to wish you were here for me and to help me but I can just imagine you having so much fun right now. I wish you were here to flit around the room and talk about Emmy and show her off when she does get here. I wish you were here so that I could call and ask if this weird sensation in my right side is a contraction (I am thinking it's a no if I have to ask) or just gas. I need you here to tell me to not be a wimp when I am in the pains of labor and to remind of how you did it and so can I.

37 Weeks

I am so ready to have a baby. So ready. As in, I would walk from here to Nashville if I thought it would get her here now. I am swollen and very irritable and I think I slept about 2.5 hours last night. Everyone with children chuckles and says, "oh just wait til that baby gets here then you wish you had 2.5 hours sleep" to which I say, we will deal with that then. Right now, I am growing tired of carrying a bowling ball in my underwear and I am ready for her to arrive.

Day 366

We all made it through the first year. I keep telling myself that this is going to be the worst part and if we can just get through the first year, then everything will fall into place from here on out. So, here we are a year later--we have gone through the first Easter, the first Mother's Day, the first of my birthdays, the first of your birthdays, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas and the first anniversary of your death. And we are all relatively okay. Who would have ever thought that would be so?

I want to tell you all about the baby prep work that all of your friends have done but I can't right now--it is too new and too emotional and too sweet and too touching for me right now. But you have to know that you are very loved and because you are so very loved, our little Emmy is so very spoiled and pampered already.

More,

Nothing, Nada, Zilch

Last night, John and I toured the maternity ward at the hospital. About halfway through, I started crying asking John, "what in the world have we done??" and he first replied with "Tara, please don't cry in front of all these people" followed by "Is this a bad time to remind you that this was your idea?" Yes. This would be a very bad time to tell me that. Then, I realized with sudden force that it's not that they are going to let us take her home, they are going to make us take her home.

Today I went to the doctor and there is nothing going on down there. No dilation, no effacement, nothing.

Hey, did you know we are going to have a baby???

Apparently, this is really going to happen and is not at all a farce or a possibility but a real baby is going to be born -- and I don't know anything about birthing no babies -- and then THEY are going to let her come and live with us -- like, forever. Apparently, THEY have lost THEIR collective minds.

I don't dare say that she is coming early

I am not saying that Emmy is going to come early but I will say that things are not quite what they used to be in me. I think I am having Braxton Hicks contractions but they really aren't painful--just odd sensations. I have taken waddling to a whole new dimension and there is a lot of pressure down there. Honestly, I have a small, very light bruise on the right side of my torso and I am convinced it is from the Tiniest Soccer Star making her presence known from the inside out. Wow. Wow. Wow.

In the photo search...

All my books and magazines say to go ahead and pack my bag for the hospital--just in case! One thing that I really wanted to have with me is a photo of you in case I need it for moral support during the delivery. A year or so ago, I started a project of scanning all of our family photos and saving them to my external hard drive to eventually go on to CDs. So, in the search for the perfect motivational photo of you to take with me, I found these to make me giggle...





















Of course, I have the hooded bath towel in Emmy's little closet at home and I can hardly wait to get her here and take her picture wearing it. She has no idea what is in store for her upon her arrival!

The Morning After

It really is like a bad hangover. The trend for me this year of all new firsts has been to do really well on the holiday itself but then crash on the following day. I am not sure if it is because I have to go back to work and that in and of itself is reason to be in the dumps and it just brings it all out of if it just that there is only so much denial and pushing down of feelings that I can do. I can flitter around on Christmas Day and be oh so excited but once I get home and then reality of it sets in the following morning, it is enough to send you over the edge. Next year will be different. Next year we will have gotten through the firsts of everything. The biggest milestone we have left to face is the first anniversary of your death. Thankfully we are going to be really busy--my baby shower!!!!--and then I will have that Monday off to regroup.

Merry Christmas and Happy 34 Weeks

I enlisted John to join me in my 34 week photo since he is off work for 11 days over the holidays--what else does he have to do? I had him sit on the arm of the couch but realized that he might not want his ever growing wife to sit on his lap so instead it looks like he just likes being boob level.

The other day a friend was over and made the comment, "oh well you are pregnant" to which I told him that there was not a breath I took that I didn't remember I was pregnant. This has turned into our little phrase now with John reminding me I am pregnant or asking if I knew I was. Today his family came over for Christmas dinner and after they left and we are piled up on the couch wearing our Christmas PJ's, I told him I wasn't sure I would have made it this Christmas if I didn't have Emmy on her way. A good friend lost her mom a couple of months ago and I feel guilty that I don't seem to be in as much pain as she is right now. I hope you know that I miss you as much as anyone could ever miss anyone. I just can't be too sad right now. If I start crying now and thinking of how you should be here this Christmas--talking with all of us of how NEXT Christmas is going to be so different--then I might never stop crying. What then? What do I do at 8 months pregnant if I can't stop crying? So yes, I want you here--I would give anything for it--but I am just so thankful for all we do have this Christmas and for what we are going to have next Christmas. I wish you were here to see it but I know you are watching over it all now and just as excited for us as we are... More,

December 6th

Neall and I got up early to head to Little Rock but missed the neurosurgeon by minutes. Daddy told us that the tumor was such that it could not all be removed surgically. Neall and I went to get cokes at a nearby service station and I literally thought I might faint walking into the store. After we got back to the hospital, Neall and Daddy went to get some breakfast for us all at the cafeteria. You were so confused and kept saying that you didn't want to have any treatment--please just take you home. You also kept saying you didn't want to die at Christmas--we would always hate the holidays after that. Always thinking of us, you were.

One of my fondest, most precious memories of my life was that morning. You were so terrified and crying so I finally just got into the hospital bed with you and held you. It was the most horrifying moment of my life and so very touching at the same time. For the next several hours, all four of our cell phones rang as friends heard what was going on and called to tell us to call them if they could help in any way. We started calling people that needed to hear the news from us and not through the grapevine. It was heart wrenching. Finally, at 6 the doctor came back, told us the tumor was the size of an orange and if we didn't have surgery you would die in 3 months. We agreed to come back on Friday morning for surgery, I had the doctor write down the name of the tumor so that I would remember it and now glioblastoma multiforme astrocytoma is forever in my vocabulary and we lost you 40 days later.

December 5th

It was exactly one year ago that it all went so very bizarre for us. You had been acting weird and Neall had finally convinced the neurologist that you needed to be seen quickly. Daddy and you had gone to the Hogs game on the Friday night before and I was terrified he would lose you there. Pat and Paul met you in Branson, which was good since your car kept messing up. Here you are in a brand new car and it won't start several times. Of course, that was my fault becuase the talking air gauge that I got Daddy one year for Christmas had fallen out of the back of the glove box and knocked a wire loose.

Your appointment was that morning and I was so scared waiting on the call. Finally Daddy called and said that you were okay. It was a nervous breakdown. I had had no idea that you really were so worried with so much going on in our lives. I thought for sure being retired had given you a new sense of calmness and that you were at the happiest point ever. The doctor felt like you would be just fine once all the Zoloft got out of your system and you got some rest. Then he called back. The two of you were at the Honda dealership and the doctor's office called and said to come back. Something was very wrong--there was something on the CT scan. Daddy asked what it could be and the doctor said, well it might be a tumor. What a liar. He knew damn well it was a tumor and that you would not be alive in another six months. So Daddy told the serviceman he needed a car RIGHT NOW and got you into a rental Civic and headed back to the hospital. Of course you were terrified. Daddy called and told me that they found something--not sure what it was. I ran into my boss's office, told him I had to go and I didn't know when I would be back and took off. I called Tara, who as usual, took charge and called everyone else, and I took off to Wynne. Daddy asked me to stay there and wait to come to Little Rock to the hospital until the next morning.

My sister in law told me it was a brain tumor. I remember saying a little thank you to God that it was not Alzheimer's. The most hideous shirt was hanging on the closet doorknob in the hallway and we joked about how one day we would all laugh at you buying that shirt "back when you had the tumor". I never, ever dreamed you would never wear that ugly shirt or that it would hang in my closet now with all of your other clothes that you will never wear again.

Lunch Dates

Luke is quite the lunch companion. We went yesterday and had such fun that we decided to go again today and take Griffin and Janey (well Tara and Theresa got to go too).

Letter to My Little One

Dear Emmy,

I love you to pieces already and you are not even here. However, we are going to have to discuss you changing positions. Currently, you have a foot in my liver and I think you might be chewing on the nerve that goes to my right arm. As much as Daddy enjoyed helping me get dressed this morning, it’s going to get old quickly if I can’t use my right hand until you arrive. I am learning to write left-handed, which is going to make people think that you have a mother that drinks heavily, and using a mouse left-handed is only making my work that much slower. Already I can tell you are just like Daddy since I am already begging you to please, please, please scoot over. Regardless, I love you dearly and can’t wait to meet you.

Love, Mama

Happy Birthday

Yesterday you would have been 61. It is amazing how young that sounds. I celebrated your birthday by getting carpet installed. I figured I would not be good for much at work anyway so I just had them do it then. Besides, spending lots of money helps keep my mind off of things. Miss you and love you,

A funk

Sunday morning at 3am, Aunt Ruby called me—just to chat! She was obviously very confused and said she couldn’t find Uncle Warren (he died 7 years ago) but wanted me to know that she had moved to Memphis and to come and visit her (I have been to her apartment several times). Later on, I found out that she had the telephone operator call Daddy at 3am trying to reach Teri Jackson. Daddy told the operator that you were gone and that he would call her son in the morning. I stayed up the rest of the night just thinking about how “lucky” we are that you didn’t end up with Alzheimer’s. I know that was your biggest fear so I am so thankful that if you had to leave us, it was something quick and you didn’t suffer for years and years like she is. But then I get angry and sad all over again. This week has turned into pretty much a bust for me now. We are taking flowers to the cemetery on Saturday for your birthday so I called Monday and ordered those. I guess it all just has you on my mind even more than usual and I am just really down in a funk right now. I am trying to do all these things to get ready for Emmy and it is just not fair that I have to do them alone. So many people have been so thoughtful and want to help and I am so grateful. But it is very difficult to discuss mucus and boobs with anyone but your mom, More...

The Similarity is Uncanny

Lucas Anthony Salinas

He's here! And he's perfect! After a long Monday afternoon, evening and night, Luke arrived about 1:07 Tuesday morning. He weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz and was 20.5 inches long. Mom and baby are doing great.

Here we sit and wait...

We are all eagerly awaiting Luke Salinas's arrival and it seems to be all any of us can talk about these days. I absolutley just adore John lately and I can't be sure if it is because of Emmy Ruth's expectant arrival or if it is because he is enjoying football with me this year.

Aerobics or Gas?

Either little Emmy has made her kicking debut or I have a very odd tummy rumbling. I am afraid to say for sure that it is actually her moving around since it is nothing like I expected it to feel like (like I had a clue as to what to expect!) but something strange is going on in there!

The Ever Increasing Belly

I have been so busy that I have had little time to sit down, much less write much. Little Emmy's room is just about finished and ready for her arrival. Until February, it just serves as a place for me to go and sit and think "oh my gosh, what have we gotten ourselves in to???" I sit in the rocker and stare at all the little trinkets that were mine when I was little and now she will get to play with them. There is a wooden heart that momma gave me one year, probably in my Christmas stocking, that says "Daughters are forever and I am so glad that you are mine". It's going right on her door.

Tara is edging closer and and closer to popping. If I didn't know better, I would think that Luke must be three feet tall already and jsut scrunched up in there waiting to come out!!

Pictures to come next week, I wish you were here to see all of this, More...