Morning Glory

Usually Emmy gets up around 2 and eats and then we get up for the day around 515. But this morning, she woke up at 2 but wouldn't take her bottle and went back to sleep really quickly. I am hoping this is a sign that she is getting ready to start sleeping through the night. All fingers and toes crossed! She was hanging out in her bouncy seat this morning while I was getting ready.

Two Short Months

The little girl is two months old now. It seems like she has been a part of our lives forever and I can't imagine not having her around now. I can't imagine sleeping in my bed beside John either but that is another story. For now, there is little Emmy in between us. And we wouldn't have it any other way. She is smiling a lot now--it's just adorable. As cute as that is, I can't fathom what her first words are going to be like. When she is sleepy, she still likes to pump her fist directly up in the air--her Skynard tribute. We always know when she is really content because she holds her little fist against her cheek. But the best way to really tick her off is to put on her belly for tummy time. She can be in the best of moods and will absolutley scream like a madwoman in just a matter of seconds.

She wasn't too thrilled here either. Luke seems to be saying to her, "just be quiet for a minute and they will take these hats off, I promise!"

WalkAmerica

The March of Dimes WalkAmerica is here again and we are walking!!!!

www.walkamerica.org/taradburton

Earth Day

With Earth Day being during April, all of the magazines I get have had articles about what you can do to by proactive during Earth Day. As a joke, I bought us and my friends with kids this dolphin fountain thingy. It helps the environment since you don't use those disposable Dixie cups.
Then I bought this:

My hybrid car: the Toyota Prius. I drive a lot now that I am taking Emmy to the sitter and to me to back to work and all. On one tank of gas, I got 400 miles and when I refueled, it was 8.2 gallons! I love it! The car is a techy geek's dream!

The Tiniest Tater Tot

What a silly goose she is!! Emmy has hopefully grown out of the colic. I think the soy formula helped her tremendously. She has gone from having the crying spells every night to maybe only three nights a week, so we are thrilled. But the smiles! The smiles are the best. She just started that this week. We can pump her little legs and she just grins or you can blow raspberries to her and she smiles with the best of them. Just as I was so confused as to where she got her long legs, because it certainly didn't come from me or John, I am confused as to where she got her chipperness in the mornings. She wakes up and has to eat immediately but then she just lays there so content and smiling. Maybe it's just that she is laughing at John trying to keep his eyes open at 530 in the morning!

Back to the Grindstone...

I went back to work on Tuesday and we seemed to have all survived. John has of course been back at work for the past five weeks but it was quite a challenge to get us all up and ready and out the door by 645. That puts me setting my alarm for 515 and actually getting out of bed at 530 or so. But, Emmy being Emmy, likes to eat around 4am so, if we are up for 45 minutes to an hour, there really is no point in my going back to sleep. Tuesday went really well—for me anyway!—she woke up right after I had gotten out of bed to start getting ready and John got up with her and feed her and then got ready so we were out the door at 630. She totally skipped her 4am feeding that morning but then on Tuesday she was ready for it again and then on Wednesday, I just got up at 330. I had convinced myself that this was going to be a challenge and I would just get used to it—after all, millions of women do this everyday. However, I don’t care who does it, I am going to ever get used to getting up at 330 in the morning. Today was much better and she ate at 2am and then slept until 6 with her daddy. John and I both stumbled to the car this morning with our eyes barely open—surely we will be a little more used to it next week and won’t be quite as tired!

We are really happy with her sitter on the positive side. I take her to West Memphis to the sitter a friend of ours uses for all three of her kids. Gabby, Coen and Grace all go to Missy and when Rebecca recommended her, I felt like I really had to give it a shot—all three of those kids turned out perfect! It is a lot further for me to drive, it ends up being 70 miles or so each day, but I feel really good about it, so it’s worth it. And, all the Winter kids get to see Emmy during the day and Rebecca gets to see her when she picks up and drops off her kids—of course Emmy is the first one there and the last one to leave.

She seems to be saying, Where in the world are we going now???????

Lots of firsts...

Emmy has had lots of new and exciting things going on as of late. Here she is with Luke before we went to shop for the day. They have been shopping together before but this was their first photo dressed the same.
Here is Em's first St. Patty's day. She couldn't have cared less if I tinted her food green.
Here is our rock star on her way to the baby sitter for the first time. We both did well.
John and I were considering a coffee table but decided a Baby Einstein play mat was much more fitting for the living room. Here is her first experience on it.

It's tough being one month old

Here are pictures from the one month old's festivities last night. Obviously, she tires easily.

Month 1 of the Rest of our Lives

Today is our sweet Emmy's one month birthday. She has had quite a busy month. I was so lucky when she got here that I felt so good and she was such a good baby, that I was able to take advantage of the time off from work and really get out there and get some things done. Now, we are cut back a little on our excursions since Emmy has a touch of colic. It is absolutley heartbreaking to not be able to help her when she is screaming all afternoon and evening. It is wild since all morning she sleeps and when she does wake up, she is just adorable but the afternoons, well, that is another story. She looks more and more like John everyday, especially now that she is making her own little faces. I tell John that she looks so much like him when she is screaming--when he is singing in his band, he has remarkably the same facial expression. I am sure that there is a photo of him somewhere singing, I need to find it and compare. I am sure he will be thrilled with that.
Already she has changed so much and is getting so big. Her little face and body are filling out--just like Mama and Daddy-and she is so alert. She is just the most precious thing ever. THIS is why everything that has happened in the last 15 months did. We just love her more than we ever imagined we could and John is a better Daddy than I ever could have imagined he would be--and I knew he would be good! This child brings out the best in all of us--there is no doubt she has a little of Momma in her. Well, maybe a lot.

Shoes

I guess it is a Wynne thing since no one knows what I am talking about when I mention these shoes, but Emmy has her personalized shoes now. I had them when I was a kid, and of course, still do, and I ordered Emmy's online and they just arrived. How stinking cute?

My new dishwasher

I know I was bragging about my fabulous 'new' dishwasher but it has gotten even better!!! No longer is it avacado green--it's black to match my other stainless and black appliances.

OH MY GOD

Okay, the kid has colic. Officially has colic. We start screaming and pacing and screaming and rocking and screaming and swinging around 430 each afternoon and continue through until about 11pm. I knew that we had had it too good to true with the wonderful delivery and the wonderful recovery and the wonderful baby with the wonderfully shaped little head and sweet disposition. Oh my God. The worst of it is when she will quiet down for about four and a half seconds and you get this little shimmer of hope that it is over and then she starts back up at full speed. One night the swing works and the next night, she hates it. Her poor little head is purple where she is screaming at full force. The damn dog is so confused that she is eating paper for goodness sakes!

Teaching Mama

I was afraid that Emmy was too small for her swing, she is only three weeks old after all!, but she loves it! Last night in hour three of the screaming, I told John to get the swing. He cranked it up as high as it would go and she quieted down immediately. We were tempted to let her sleep in the swing all night but decided that it was not proper to do so. Here we are in our swing with our boots on.

Teaching Daddy

Well, Emmy is not only showing me the lay of the land, she is showing Daddy too. Last night she took her bottle (finally!!!!) and he proclaimed that Mama was now obsolete and Daddy was back to the top of Emmy's favorite list. I think he might be right. He is so good to us and really is helping in every way he can. The other day, he asked me if he was supposed to be washing all of our clothes in Dreft. I told him that was not really necessary but he has been washing our towels, his clothes, etc. in the world's most expensive laundry detergent. Emmy and I are so lucky to have him.

Emmy's first trip to her Alma Mater

We made a quick trip to Fayetteville Wednesday night so that Daddy could go to the game. Emmy was a champ on the drive but did have a couple of little fits along the way. She was better than anyone could expect of a two week old though, so I was thrilled. Of course, mean Mama took her out in the cold to get her photo made in from of Papa's name on the senior walk. Neall and I did it when we were kids and Emmy got to do it too. Here she is in her first Fayetteville experience. Then, we went to see Grandma Jackson in Lonoke on the way back. Of course, all were smitten with the little one.

Officially a Mommy

This morning started with my tummy hurting like crazy. Of course, about the same time that I got up to spend an hour or so in the bathroom, Emmy was hungry so she spent a lot of time in the bathroom with me, in her carseat on the floor. I am sure she was thrilled with that.

We went to the Baptist Hospital to look at YET ANOTHER BREAST PUMP. I realized that I can buy one for what it will cost to rent one for three months. Of course, there is the fear that I will buy yet another pump that won't take care of us. I have two (a cheap electric and a manual) that are sitting in bags worthless to anyone. You can't return or reuse them so they are just sitting there pointless. But if I rent a pump to just see if I like it, I have to buy the start up kit for $55 so it's just weird all the way around. Then, Emmy had her two week check up and the little one is growing like mad! She weighed 7 lb and 15 oz and was 20.5 inches long--she gained 13 ounces in two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!! My little piggy.

I wanted to wait until after her appointment to take her to the office to meet my coworkers so we went this afternoon. Of course everyone thought she was adorable. Just before I left, I went into my boss's office and as she was holding Emmy, she just pooped away so she suggested I change her before I left. I even put down her little changing pad on her couch and took off her little outfit and diaper. And then she pooped projectile onto me. And the couch. My daughter crapped on my boss's couch. It was all over my jeans and her clothes. I had to take her clothes off and she rode home in her diaper wrapped up in a blanket. Oh my God.

I love this kid.

Shout out

I tell Emmy about her Yia Yia all the time and she is wearing her froggie outfit as a shoutout to you.

After we had to change for the third time today, Emmy wore something other than pink. We spend a lot of time in the living room so she has lots of stuff accumulated in there and I told John we would need a different blanket since we were not wearing pink and the pink blanket that we keep in there would just not do. He said he doubted that WE gave a crap really but I got a white and yellow blanket regardless.

Today's plan...

Today Emmy and I are going to visit a babysitter. Oh Lord... what am I going to do when I leave this baby girl? It's going to kill me! I am sure that Emmy is going to want to eat and have a room to potentially sleep in one day, so I am going to have to go back to work eventually.

Here she is in her Valentine's outfit. I love the little socks that look like Mary Jane shoes--so very cute.

Photos for Fun

Daddy went back to work today so Emmy and I had to find something to entertain ourselves. We decided to take lots of pictures. This kid tickles me to no end... she is so fun!

Here is our bathing beauty. Apparently, bath time ROCKS.

This is the closest we have come to sleeping in our crib---falling asleep in the car seat and mama moving it to the crib. Ha, ha.... So witty...

Looks remarkably like a pink cottonball...

So sweet

About 5 am, John says, "how is it that anyone that looks that sweet can make that much noise??" I am not sure that I know but man, the kid has lungs! Last night was unbelievable. Emmy started screaming about 11 pm and didn't stop until 6 am. Then the dog would have an accident and the outside dogs would start barking and and the cat could be heard vomiting but could not be found. It was wild but then she was sleeping with Daddy again this morning and just absolutely precious again.

Man, I love this.

Oh, Momma, What a Week!

She's here and she is perfect! Emmy Ruth arrived at 3:58 p.m. on Tuesday the 13th at 7 pounds 2 ounces, 19.75 inches long.

Tuesday morning around one, I got up so sick. I was up all night sick and finally called the doctor at 4am. They said since I could not even keep water down, it was probably a virus and not labor. I had my doctor appointment at 840am anyway for the biophysical profile so we just held out until then to get there. I called the office and told them that I was so sick anyway and that I would not be in regardless of when they were going to induce labor. About 8, on the way to the doctor's office, I started having contractions about 2-3 minutes apart. When we got there, I told the receptionist I was either in labor or had salmonella and they sent me back for the ultrasound. Because I didn't have any water in my bladder, she really had to push on my belly for images and I told her I was going to puke on her so she said, "oh you might be in labor"--amazing of her to pick up on that--and sent me to have the doctor check me out. I was in fact in labor and 2 to 3 cm dilated and we went off to the hospital. Thankfully, the hospital and the doctor's office are in the same medical complex or John might have possibly run over small animals. I reminded him that we stop at stop signs as he plowed over the first run of speed bumps past the first stop sign. I got in to the hospital and as they checked me in, John went to get the bags from the car.

My contractions were getting worse but this stomach virus was really getting me. I kept telling the nurses I was going to be sick and they didn't believe me... they do now! The nurse gave me the little spit thing to throw up in but after I filled that and the rest of the bed, they realized that I was really kind of sickly. The anesthesiologist came in to do the epidural and said that because my white count was so high, they could not do it. John and I looked at each other and almost burst in to tears. They did give me a shot and ultimately did the epidural. Thank goodness! I must have had the best one ever because I never felt anything else. Turns out, I was so dehydrated that her little heart rate kept going up which caused my labor to kick into gear. Daddy got there, Natalie and Tara were there and John of course, and I really had a pretty quick labor. At 3, they said they were for me to start pushing and she arrived at 358pm. John and Tara were there--Tara cut the cord! It was so amazing. Of course, I never knew what to really expect but this was so amazing--I never thought it would be so great. The epidural was amazing so I never hurt after it was in--in fact when the doctor said that the next contraction would be the one that delivered her, I was looking at John laughing "can you believe this is really happening??" It was nuts! So, she gets here and they take her over to the side to get her fixed up and ready for her debut. It took forever to finally have them give her to us. Tara went out to the waiting room to tell Daddy and everyone that she was here and we were okay.

John managed to get the stomach virus I had on Thursday. We came home around 11 and he was so very sick, bless his heart. He was so upset an already missed Emmy. He is so smitten with her and cannot stand to not be with her. He is so funny and I never imagined he would be this way with her.

OH, you would love her! She's so tiny and so precious. I already cannot remember what it was like to not have this little thing attached to my shoulder. She is so funny. Every now and then, she will pump her little fist in the air and just leave it there like she is really cheering for something. John says it is like she is at a Skynard show or something. She has the funniest little faces and looks so much like her daddy. You would absolutely be delighted with her. She makes us giggle constantly. I am trying to take video of her since she has changed so much in just a week.

I am so very happy. More,

41 Weeks Pregnant

Nope, no baby.

Welcome to 1972

John and I have forged ahead into the 1970's by purchasing a portable dishwasher at an estate sale this weekend. Our house is almost 100 years old and the design of the kitchn does not allow for a dishwasher to be installed without a complete remodeling. I have over 50 kitchen cabinets and I am leary to do anything that might cost me some of that space. We have tossed around the idea of a portable dishwasher for a while but they are usually so small that we decided it wasn't really worth it. Then, Natalie saw this one at an estate sale and called us and we rushed right over to get it. It's avacado green--it reminds me of the fridge, washer and dryer that mom replaced several years ago--and it is huge! And it has a butcher block top on it. So, now I am on the hunt to get the adapter needed to connect it to the sink and we are actually going to be among those with all the fancy upgrades and appliances. John's next project is to paint it--we decided that the avacado green was only a novelty and not coming back into style anytime soon so we did pick up some appliance paint as well.

Oh yeah and today, seems like something else is going on today... oh wait--not going on today! Today is the official due date but we have no little munchkin to report on yet. At least the doctor is not going to let me go over more than two weeks--which is great.

Showered and Pampered

Emmy, John and I have now been properly showered and pampered. The festivities got started when Tara, Natalie and Theresa threw me a shower for some of our friends. Of course, everyone went way over board and the hostesses gave us our travel system. The next weekend, TWENTY ONE of your friends threw us a shower in Wynne. Wow. It was so exciting and everyone was so generous but I couldn't help but feel like a little snot when I was sitting there with mounds of gifts around me. It can be so overwhelming to think of so many people caring for you and wanting to help. Then, some friends at work had a shower and then Friday, my office threw a shower there! I think they threw that one in just so they could have an excuse for cake, but what do I know... :)

So, now that we are materially well prepared and ready for her arrival, Emmy is taking her own sweet time. Yesterday I went to the doctor and we are 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. So, we are back to it could be any minute or another two weeks!!! My vote is for Sunday afternoon but John thinks she will be arriving tomorrow night, I think. Oh, I cannot tell you how badly I wish you were here. So selfish of me to wish you were here for me and to help me but I can just imagine you having so much fun right now. I wish you were here to flit around the room and talk about Emmy and show her off when she does get here. I wish you were here so that I could call and ask if this weird sensation in my right side is a contraction (I am thinking it's a no if I have to ask) or just gas. I need you here to tell me to not be a wimp when I am in the pains of labor and to remind of how you did it and so can I.

37 Weeks

I am so ready to have a baby. So ready. As in, I would walk from here to Nashville if I thought it would get her here now. I am swollen and very irritable and I think I slept about 2.5 hours last night. Everyone with children chuckles and says, "oh just wait til that baby gets here then you wish you had 2.5 hours sleep" to which I say, we will deal with that then. Right now, I am growing tired of carrying a bowling ball in my underwear and I am ready for her to arrive.

Day 366

We all made it through the first year. I keep telling myself that this is going to be the worst part and if we can just get through the first year, then everything will fall into place from here on out. So, here we are a year later--we have gone through the first Easter, the first Mother's Day, the first of my birthdays, the first of your birthdays, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas and the first anniversary of your death. And we are all relatively okay. Who would have ever thought that would be so?

I want to tell you all about the baby prep work that all of your friends have done but I can't right now--it is too new and too emotional and too sweet and too touching for me right now. But you have to know that you are very loved and because you are so very loved, our little Emmy is so very spoiled and pampered already.

More,

Nothing, Nada, Zilch

Last night, John and I toured the maternity ward at the hospital. About halfway through, I started crying asking John, "what in the world have we done??" and he first replied with "Tara, please don't cry in front of all these people" followed by "Is this a bad time to remind you that this was your idea?" Yes. This would be a very bad time to tell me that. Then, I realized with sudden force that it's not that they are going to let us take her home, they are going to make us take her home.

Today I went to the doctor and there is nothing going on down there. No dilation, no effacement, nothing.

Hey, did you know we are going to have a baby???

Apparently, this is really going to happen and is not at all a farce or a possibility but a real baby is going to be born -- and I don't know anything about birthing no babies -- and then THEY are going to let her come and live with us -- like, forever. Apparently, THEY have lost THEIR collective minds.

I don't dare say that she is coming early

I am not saying that Emmy is going to come early but I will say that things are not quite what they used to be in me. I think I am having Braxton Hicks contractions but they really aren't painful--just odd sensations. I have taken waddling to a whole new dimension and there is a lot of pressure down there. Honestly, I have a small, very light bruise on the right side of my torso and I am convinced it is from the Tiniest Soccer Star making her presence known from the inside out. Wow. Wow. Wow.

In the photo search...

All my books and magazines say to go ahead and pack my bag for the hospital--just in case! One thing that I really wanted to have with me is a photo of you in case I need it for moral support during the delivery. A year or so ago, I started a project of scanning all of our family photos and saving them to my external hard drive to eventually go on to CDs. So, in the search for the perfect motivational photo of you to take with me, I found these to make me giggle...





















Of course, I have the hooded bath towel in Emmy's little closet at home and I can hardly wait to get her here and take her picture wearing it. She has no idea what is in store for her upon her arrival!

The Morning After

It really is like a bad hangover. The trend for me this year of all new firsts has been to do really well on the holiday itself but then crash on the following day. I am not sure if it is because I have to go back to work and that in and of itself is reason to be in the dumps and it just brings it all out of if it just that there is only so much denial and pushing down of feelings that I can do. I can flitter around on Christmas Day and be oh so excited but once I get home and then reality of it sets in the following morning, it is enough to send you over the edge. Next year will be different. Next year we will have gotten through the firsts of everything. The biggest milestone we have left to face is the first anniversary of your death. Thankfully we are going to be really busy--my baby shower!!!!--and then I will have that Monday off to regroup.

Merry Christmas and Happy 34 Weeks

I enlisted John to join me in my 34 week photo since he is off work for 11 days over the holidays--what else does he have to do? I had him sit on the arm of the couch but realized that he might not want his ever growing wife to sit on his lap so instead it looks like he just likes being boob level.

The other day a friend was over and made the comment, "oh well you are pregnant" to which I told him that there was not a breath I took that I didn't remember I was pregnant. This has turned into our little phrase now with John reminding me I am pregnant or asking if I knew I was. Today his family came over for Christmas dinner and after they left and we are piled up on the couch wearing our Christmas PJ's, I told him I wasn't sure I would have made it this Christmas if I didn't have Emmy on her way. A good friend lost her mom a couple of months ago and I feel guilty that I don't seem to be in as much pain as she is right now. I hope you know that I miss you as much as anyone could ever miss anyone. I just can't be too sad right now. If I start crying now and thinking of how you should be here this Christmas--talking with all of us of how NEXT Christmas is going to be so different--then I might never stop crying. What then? What do I do at 8 months pregnant if I can't stop crying? So yes, I want you here--I would give anything for it--but I am just so thankful for all we do have this Christmas and for what we are going to have next Christmas. I wish you were here to see it but I know you are watching over it all now and just as excited for us as we are... More,

December 6th

Neall and I got up early to head to Little Rock but missed the neurosurgeon by minutes. Daddy told us that the tumor was such that it could not all be removed surgically. Neall and I went to get cokes at a nearby service station and I literally thought I might faint walking into the store. After we got back to the hospital, Neall and Daddy went to get some breakfast for us all at the cafeteria. You were so confused and kept saying that you didn't want to have any treatment--please just take you home. You also kept saying you didn't want to die at Christmas--we would always hate the holidays after that. Always thinking of us, you were.

One of my fondest, most precious memories of my life was that morning. You were so terrified and crying so I finally just got into the hospital bed with you and held you. It was the most horrifying moment of my life and so very touching at the same time. For the next several hours, all four of our cell phones rang as friends heard what was going on and called to tell us to call them if they could help in any way. We started calling people that needed to hear the news from us and not through the grapevine. It was heart wrenching. Finally, at 6 the doctor came back, told us the tumor was the size of an orange and if we didn't have surgery you would die in 3 months. We agreed to come back on Friday morning for surgery, I had the doctor write down the name of the tumor so that I would remember it and now glioblastoma multiforme astrocytoma is forever in my vocabulary and we lost you 40 days later.

December 5th

It was exactly one year ago that it all went so very bizarre for us. You had been acting weird and Neall had finally convinced the neurologist that you needed to be seen quickly. Daddy and you had gone to the Hogs game on the Friday night before and I was terrified he would lose you there. Pat and Paul met you in Branson, which was good since your car kept messing up. Here you are in a brand new car and it won't start several times. Of course, that was my fault becuase the talking air gauge that I got Daddy one year for Christmas had fallen out of the back of the glove box and knocked a wire loose.

Your appointment was that morning and I was so scared waiting on the call. Finally Daddy called and said that you were okay. It was a nervous breakdown. I had had no idea that you really were so worried with so much going on in our lives. I thought for sure being retired had given you a new sense of calmness and that you were at the happiest point ever. The doctor felt like you would be just fine once all the Zoloft got out of your system and you got some rest. Then he called back. The two of you were at the Honda dealership and the doctor's office called and said to come back. Something was very wrong--there was something on the CT scan. Daddy asked what it could be and the doctor said, well it might be a tumor. What a liar. He knew damn well it was a tumor and that you would not be alive in another six months. So Daddy told the serviceman he needed a car RIGHT NOW and got you into a rental Civic and headed back to the hospital. Of course you were terrified. Daddy called and told me that they found something--not sure what it was. I ran into my boss's office, told him I had to go and I didn't know when I would be back and took off. I called Tara, who as usual, took charge and called everyone else, and I took off to Wynne. Daddy asked me to stay there and wait to come to Little Rock to the hospital until the next morning.

My sister in law told me it was a brain tumor. I remember saying a little thank you to God that it was not Alzheimer's. The most hideous shirt was hanging on the closet doorknob in the hallway and we joked about how one day we would all laugh at you buying that shirt "back when you had the tumor". I never, ever dreamed you would never wear that ugly shirt or that it would hang in my closet now with all of your other clothes that you will never wear again.

Lunch Dates

Luke is quite the lunch companion. We went yesterday and had such fun that we decided to go again today and take Griffin and Janey (well Tara and Theresa got to go too).

Letter to My Little One

Dear Emmy,

I love you to pieces already and you are not even here. However, we are going to have to discuss you changing positions. Currently, you have a foot in my liver and I think you might be chewing on the nerve that goes to my right arm. As much as Daddy enjoyed helping me get dressed this morning, it’s going to get old quickly if I can’t use my right hand until you arrive. I am learning to write left-handed, which is going to make people think that you have a mother that drinks heavily, and using a mouse left-handed is only making my work that much slower. Already I can tell you are just like Daddy since I am already begging you to please, please, please scoot over. Regardless, I love you dearly and can’t wait to meet you.

Love, Mama

Happy Birthday

Yesterday you would have been 61. It is amazing how young that sounds. I celebrated your birthday by getting carpet installed. I figured I would not be good for much at work anyway so I just had them do it then. Besides, spending lots of money helps keep my mind off of things. Miss you and love you,

A funk

Sunday morning at 3am, Aunt Ruby called me—just to chat! She was obviously very confused and said she couldn’t find Uncle Warren (he died 7 years ago) but wanted me to know that she had moved to Memphis and to come and visit her (I have been to her apartment several times). Later on, I found out that she had the telephone operator call Daddy at 3am trying to reach Teri Jackson. Daddy told the operator that you were gone and that he would call her son in the morning. I stayed up the rest of the night just thinking about how “lucky” we are that you didn’t end up with Alzheimer’s. I know that was your biggest fear so I am so thankful that if you had to leave us, it was something quick and you didn’t suffer for years and years like she is. But then I get angry and sad all over again. This week has turned into pretty much a bust for me now. We are taking flowers to the cemetery on Saturday for your birthday so I called Monday and ordered those. I guess it all just has you on my mind even more than usual and I am just really down in a funk right now. I am trying to do all these things to get ready for Emmy and it is just not fair that I have to do them alone. So many people have been so thoughtful and want to help and I am so grateful. But it is very difficult to discuss mucus and boobs with anyone but your mom, More...

The Similarity is Uncanny

Lucas Anthony Salinas

He's here! And he's perfect! After a long Monday afternoon, evening and night, Luke arrived about 1:07 Tuesday morning. He weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz and was 20.5 inches long. Mom and baby are doing great.

Here we sit and wait...

We are all eagerly awaiting Luke Salinas's arrival and it seems to be all any of us can talk about these days. I absolutley just adore John lately and I can't be sure if it is because of Emmy Ruth's expectant arrival or if it is because he is enjoying football with me this year.

Aerobics or Gas?

Either little Emmy has made her kicking debut or I have a very odd tummy rumbling. I am afraid to say for sure that it is actually her moving around since it is nothing like I expected it to feel like (like I had a clue as to what to expect!) but something strange is going on in there!

The Ever Increasing Belly

I have been so busy that I have had little time to sit down, much less write much. Little Emmy's room is just about finished and ready for her arrival. Until February, it just serves as a place for me to go and sit and think "oh my gosh, what have we gotten ourselves in to???" I sit in the rocker and stare at all the little trinkets that were mine when I was little and now she will get to play with them. There is a wooden heart that momma gave me one year, probably in my Christmas stocking, that says "Daughters are forever and I am so glad that you are mine". It's going right on her door.

Tara is edging closer and and closer to popping. If I didn't know better, I would think that Luke must be three feet tall already and jsut scrunched up in there waiting to come out!!

Pictures to come next week, I wish you were here to see all of this, More...

Ultrasound

4 chambers of the heart
10 fingers--10 toes
2 kidneys
1 bladder
perfect little spine
no testicles--all girl!

The Power of Pigs

My dear friend Natalie got me tickets to see the Hogs play in Fayetteville Saturday for my birthday. John was going to go—his first Hogs game!—but then at the last minute, John had to work and Daddy went with me. It was really a great time. On the way to Wynne from Memphis, at 630am!!!!, I got pulled over in Earle—as everyone has at least once it seems. When the police officer came up to the car, I told him I was going to see the Hogs play and I was just really excited. He told me if I could show him a ticket for the game, I could go and he really did! I was so shocked! I told Daddy about it and he retorted, “yeah, that’s something your mama would have been able to get by with too”.

Ian Update

After a week at St. Jude's, Ginger and Greg found out late during the week that Ian's tumor is benign and he is going to be just fine!!! They are not even going to remove it and let it shrink on its own. Such fabulous news!

Week 17

We get to find out in 12 days if we are having a boy or a girl. I am giddy with excitement--John seems to be as well, but that might be that he is giddy to get me to quit asking him whether he wants a boy or a girl. Here is Week 17's photo. Wild, wild, wild. It's all so strange! Last night, I recited multiplication tables for B2 and John suggested tonight we go over state capitals with him/her. Of course, this weekend we will be learning about football. What a brilliant baby this will be!

Frumpy is as Frumpy does

The only thing that looks frumpier than a linen shirt by the afternoon is a linen maternity shirt.

#4

Ginger called and Ian's chest CT came back that there has been no spreading of his tumor!!!!

Good day...

1. I got back B2’s triple screen test results and all is great. Now we can carry on in our regularly scheduled pre-baby excitement.

2. I got roses. And the card only said “I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe that I deserved my friends”. So, that ruled out John, that and I didn’t pay for them from our account. I finally discovered they are from someone who works for our data processing company that I had a very, very minor tiff with earlier in the week. We spend a good deal of our working day discussing the crucial things like college football so we have grown quite fond of each other. I am sure he is only trying to keep me on his good side so that I will cheer for his Ohio State Buckeyes with football season quickly approaching, but it was very, very sweet.

3. I got the best compliment from a 7 year old. My friend Gabby had to fill out this sheet for her homework the other day and one of the questions was “if you could have a teacher for the year, who would it be?” and she answered “Mrs. Tara”! Awww!!! I asked Rebecca if she was sure she didn’t know another Tara and she doesn’t, so it must be me!

Scared shitless...

Ian Gregory Smith--the adorable son of my friend Ginger--is up for a fight. Please keep him and his family in your prayers. Saturday afternoon his mom found a knot on the back of his thigh. They went to the doctor yesterday afternoon just to get it checked out and found out this afternoon that he has cancer. Tomorrow they will go to St. Jude's for the first time. Please keep them in your prayers.

I want my mom

It hits me at the most random times. Not at all when you would think. For example, I did really good on Mother's Day but then seeing a grandma with her kids at Wal-Mart can send me over the edge. This started it yesterday: The finger spacer at Knowledge Tree. I went there to pick up something for a friend's daughter for the first day of school and saw this at the checkout counter. You always told the story about my "rivers" whenever you saw Mrs. Rose, my first grade teacher. Neall slammed my finger in the door and locked it when I was in first grade--my first and only stitiches. I had this big bandage on my finger and I couldn't curl it down to use my index finger for making my rivers when writing. I cried and cried in fear that I would never go to second grade for not being to make my rivers. So, I saw this at Knowledge Tree and couldn't stop thinking of you. It's just little things like this that make it all so hard. The life part of everyday makes it hard.

And selfish. The most selfish parts of it are what makes it all so sad. I feel like a chunk of my childhood died with you. Who knows how old I was when I took my first steps? You did. I remember that I was talking around nine months and potty-trained before two years, but I only knew that for bragging purposes so how do I know when my child is on track or behind? All the little details of my childhood are forgotten now. Men don't remember these things, women do and well, I was just a little too young to remember them at the time. Speaking of selfish, who is going to be with me when I have this baby? And when I come home? It was supposed to be you. And John's mom.

Yesterday, I got home from my shopping excursion about noon and talked to John for a bit and went to laydown and take a nap. I didn't mean to but I couldn't help but start thinking as I was laying there, I started thinking and just lost it. I didn't realize he could hear me but John came in there to see if I was okay and what he could do. All I could tell him was that "I miss my mom". He's so helpless. I hate doing this to him, he's been through it, he knows how hard it is to be without your mom, it is not right to be thirty years old and not have a momma in this world but he also knows that it is different with men and women and he doesn't know what to say. So, we went and got fried chicken--what can that not fix? So the rest of the afternoon was spent with me being exhausted from my emotional breakdown and John in the midst of spinning all of his own thoughts and grief around in his mind--I hate doing this to him.

A friend lost her dad this summer and then only 2 1/2 months later, lost her mom. I felt so lost and didn't know what to say to her. For the first time, I think I understood what my friends went through when it all happened to me. I know that I can call anyone to talk but how awkward and odd would it feel to just call a friend up: "Hey, what are you doing?", "Nothing, what about you?", "Oh just sittin' here thinking about how my mom died, wanna talk about it?". There is a thin line between talking about grief and whining about what you have lost and no one wants to be the wrong side of that line.

Who would have thought that most important lesson you would try to teach me would be you simply not being here?

Time Management is Overrated

I went to Wal-Mart at lunch to return some sheets and get some light shopping done. For weeks I have said that I needed to get my eyebrows waxed or I would not be able to see much longer. In an effort to better manage my time, I went ahead and got them waxed at the hair salon at Wal-Mart. I think I may have overdone it this time since now my fair, fair skin is red and blotchy and I think that wax might have been heating for a week straight.

Happy Birthday Janey!

Yesterday was Janey's 2nd birthday party. It was great fun and I must admit my first doll cake was a success! (She had a small incident with a coffee table two days before her party that gave her the black eyes!)

Internet drama at home...

Horror of horrors, my wireless internet connection at home was down last night. Normally I would have tinkered with it then but seeing as it would have involved me staying awake past 8pm and getting up off the couch, I passed on it. So my planned posting was delayed a day…
Yesterday was the first birthday we have had without you here. What a strange thing it was. Since we all have birthdays within a month of each other, we always celebrated them together. We only celebrated Neall’s this weekend—we figured we could go ahead and spread them out, why not? Grandma Jackson got to come down and finally see Neall and Becca’s new house—with her dining room table in place, of course!! It was so strange being there without you flitting around being so silly and singing. You would be so proud of him now. He’s so grown up! We always giggled at Daddy when he got his “phone voice” at home. When someone from work called, he turned about two octaves lower and answered “this is Richard Jackson”. I half expected Neall to do the same when one of his patients called while he was opening presents. Somewhere along the way, this little kid with a flat top turned into such a grown-up and I can’t wait to see what a great uncle he is going to be.