Lots of firsts...

Emmy has had lots of new and exciting things going on as of late. Here she is with Luke before we went to shop for the day. They have been shopping together before but this was their first photo dressed the same.
Here is Em's first St. Patty's day. She couldn't have cared less if I tinted her food green.
Here is our rock star on her way to the baby sitter for the first time. We both did well.
John and I were considering a coffee table but decided a Baby Einstein play mat was much more fitting for the living room. Here is her first experience on it.

It's tough being one month old

Here are pictures from the one month old's festivities last night. Obviously, she tires easily.

Month 1 of the Rest of our Lives

Today is our sweet Emmy's one month birthday. She has had quite a busy month. I was so lucky when she got here that I felt so good and she was such a good baby, that I was able to take advantage of the time off from work and really get out there and get some things done. Now, we are cut back a little on our excursions since Emmy has a touch of colic. It is absolutley heartbreaking to not be able to help her when she is screaming all afternoon and evening. It is wild since all morning she sleeps and when she does wake up, she is just adorable but the afternoons, well, that is another story. She looks more and more like John everyday, especially now that she is making her own little faces. I tell John that she looks so much like him when she is screaming--when he is singing in his band, he has remarkably the same facial expression. I am sure that there is a photo of him somewhere singing, I need to find it and compare. I am sure he will be thrilled with that.
Already she has changed so much and is getting so big. Her little face and body are filling out--just like Mama and Daddy-and she is so alert. She is just the most precious thing ever. THIS is why everything that has happened in the last 15 months did. We just love her more than we ever imagined we could and John is a better Daddy than I ever could have imagined he would be--and I knew he would be good! This child brings out the best in all of us--there is no doubt she has a little of Momma in her. Well, maybe a lot.

Shoes

I guess it is a Wynne thing since no one knows what I am talking about when I mention these shoes, but Emmy has her personalized shoes now. I had them when I was a kid, and of course, still do, and I ordered Emmy's online and they just arrived. How stinking cute?

My new dishwasher

I know I was bragging about my fabulous 'new' dishwasher but it has gotten even better!!! No longer is it avacado green--it's black to match my other stainless and black appliances.

OH MY GOD

Okay, the kid has colic. Officially has colic. We start screaming and pacing and screaming and rocking and screaming and swinging around 430 each afternoon and continue through until about 11pm. I knew that we had had it too good to true with the wonderful delivery and the wonderful recovery and the wonderful baby with the wonderfully shaped little head and sweet disposition. Oh my God. The worst of it is when she will quiet down for about four and a half seconds and you get this little shimmer of hope that it is over and then she starts back up at full speed. One night the swing works and the next night, she hates it. Her poor little head is purple where she is screaming at full force. The damn dog is so confused that she is eating paper for goodness sakes!

Teaching Mama

I was afraid that Emmy was too small for her swing, she is only three weeks old after all!, but she loves it! Last night in hour three of the screaming, I told John to get the swing. He cranked it up as high as it would go and she quieted down immediately. We were tempted to let her sleep in the swing all night but decided that it was not proper to do so. Here we are in our swing with our boots on.

Teaching Daddy

Well, Emmy is not only showing me the lay of the land, she is showing Daddy too. Last night she took her bottle (finally!!!!) and he proclaimed that Mama was now obsolete and Daddy was back to the top of Emmy's favorite list. I think he might be right. He is so good to us and really is helping in every way he can. The other day, he asked me if he was supposed to be washing all of our clothes in Dreft. I told him that was not really necessary but he has been washing our towels, his clothes, etc. in the world's most expensive laundry detergent. Emmy and I are so lucky to have him.

Emmy's first trip to her Alma Mater

We made a quick trip to Fayetteville Wednesday night so that Daddy could go to the game. Emmy was a champ on the drive but did have a couple of little fits along the way. She was better than anyone could expect of a two week old though, so I was thrilled. Of course, mean Mama took her out in the cold to get her photo made in from of Papa's name on the senior walk. Neall and I did it when we were kids and Emmy got to do it too. Here she is in her first Fayetteville experience. Then, we went to see Grandma Jackson in Lonoke on the way back. Of course, all were smitten with the little one.

Officially a Mommy

This morning started with my tummy hurting like crazy. Of course, about the same time that I got up to spend an hour or so in the bathroom, Emmy was hungry so she spent a lot of time in the bathroom with me, in her carseat on the floor. I am sure she was thrilled with that.

We went to the Baptist Hospital to look at YET ANOTHER BREAST PUMP. I realized that I can buy one for what it will cost to rent one for three months. Of course, there is the fear that I will buy yet another pump that won't take care of us. I have two (a cheap electric and a manual) that are sitting in bags worthless to anyone. You can't return or reuse them so they are just sitting there pointless. But if I rent a pump to just see if I like it, I have to buy the start up kit for $55 so it's just weird all the way around. Then, Emmy had her two week check up and the little one is growing like mad! She weighed 7 lb and 15 oz and was 20.5 inches long--she gained 13 ounces in two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!! My little piggy.

I wanted to wait until after her appointment to take her to the office to meet my coworkers so we went this afternoon. Of course everyone thought she was adorable. Just before I left, I went into my boss's office and as she was holding Emmy, she just pooped away so she suggested I change her before I left. I even put down her little changing pad on her couch and took off her little outfit and diaper. And then she pooped projectile onto me. And the couch. My daughter crapped on my boss's couch. It was all over my jeans and her clothes. I had to take her clothes off and she rode home in her diaper wrapped up in a blanket. Oh my God.

I love this kid.

Shout out

I tell Emmy about her Yia Yia all the time and she is wearing her froggie outfit as a shoutout to you.

After we had to change for the third time today, Emmy wore something other than pink. We spend a lot of time in the living room so she has lots of stuff accumulated in there and I told John we would need a different blanket since we were not wearing pink and the pink blanket that we keep in there would just not do. He said he doubted that WE gave a crap really but I got a white and yellow blanket regardless.

Today's plan...

Today Emmy and I are going to visit a babysitter. Oh Lord... what am I going to do when I leave this baby girl? It's going to kill me! I am sure that Emmy is going to want to eat and have a room to potentially sleep in one day, so I am going to have to go back to work eventually.

Here she is in her Valentine's outfit. I love the little socks that look like Mary Jane shoes--so very cute.

Photos for Fun

Daddy went back to work today so Emmy and I had to find something to entertain ourselves. We decided to take lots of pictures. This kid tickles me to no end... she is so fun!

Here is our bathing beauty. Apparently, bath time ROCKS.

This is the closest we have come to sleeping in our crib---falling asleep in the car seat and mama moving it to the crib. Ha, ha.... So witty...

Looks remarkably like a pink cottonball...

So sweet

About 5 am, John says, "how is it that anyone that looks that sweet can make that much noise??" I am not sure that I know but man, the kid has lungs! Last night was unbelievable. Emmy started screaming about 11 pm and didn't stop until 6 am. Then the dog would have an accident and the outside dogs would start barking and and the cat could be heard vomiting but could not be found. It was wild but then she was sleeping with Daddy again this morning and just absolutely precious again.

Man, I love this.

Oh, Momma, What a Week!

She's here and she is perfect! Emmy Ruth arrived at 3:58 p.m. on Tuesday the 13th at 7 pounds 2 ounces, 19.75 inches long.

Tuesday morning around one, I got up so sick. I was up all night sick and finally called the doctor at 4am. They said since I could not even keep water down, it was probably a virus and not labor. I had my doctor appointment at 840am anyway for the biophysical profile so we just held out until then to get there. I called the office and told them that I was so sick anyway and that I would not be in regardless of when they were going to induce labor. About 8, on the way to the doctor's office, I started having contractions about 2-3 minutes apart. When we got there, I told the receptionist I was either in labor or had salmonella and they sent me back for the ultrasound. Because I didn't have any water in my bladder, she really had to push on my belly for images and I told her I was going to puke on her so she said, "oh you might be in labor"--amazing of her to pick up on that--and sent me to have the doctor check me out. I was in fact in labor and 2 to 3 cm dilated and we went off to the hospital. Thankfully, the hospital and the doctor's office are in the same medical complex or John might have possibly run over small animals. I reminded him that we stop at stop signs as he plowed over the first run of speed bumps past the first stop sign. I got in to the hospital and as they checked me in, John went to get the bags from the car.

My contractions were getting worse but this stomach virus was really getting me. I kept telling the nurses I was going to be sick and they didn't believe me... they do now! The nurse gave me the little spit thing to throw up in but after I filled that and the rest of the bed, they realized that I was really kind of sickly. The anesthesiologist came in to do the epidural and said that because my white count was so high, they could not do it. John and I looked at each other and almost burst in to tears. They did give me a shot and ultimately did the epidural. Thank goodness! I must have had the best one ever because I never felt anything else. Turns out, I was so dehydrated that her little heart rate kept going up which caused my labor to kick into gear. Daddy got there, Natalie and Tara were there and John of course, and I really had a pretty quick labor. At 3, they said they were for me to start pushing and she arrived at 358pm. John and Tara were there--Tara cut the cord! It was so amazing. Of course, I never knew what to really expect but this was so amazing--I never thought it would be so great. The epidural was amazing so I never hurt after it was in--in fact when the doctor said that the next contraction would be the one that delivered her, I was looking at John laughing "can you believe this is really happening??" It was nuts! So, she gets here and they take her over to the side to get her fixed up and ready for her debut. It took forever to finally have them give her to us. Tara went out to the waiting room to tell Daddy and everyone that she was here and we were okay.

John managed to get the stomach virus I had on Thursday. We came home around 11 and he was so very sick, bless his heart. He was so upset an already missed Emmy. He is so smitten with her and cannot stand to not be with her. He is so funny and I never imagined he would be this way with her.

OH, you would love her! She's so tiny and so precious. I already cannot remember what it was like to not have this little thing attached to my shoulder. She is so funny. Every now and then, she will pump her little fist in the air and just leave it there like she is really cheering for something. John says it is like she is at a Skynard show or something. She has the funniest little faces and looks so much like her daddy. You would absolutely be delighted with her. She makes us giggle constantly. I am trying to take video of her since she has changed so much in just a week.

I am so very happy. More,

41 Weeks Pregnant

Nope, no baby.

Welcome to 1972

John and I have forged ahead into the 1970's by purchasing a portable dishwasher at an estate sale this weekend. Our house is almost 100 years old and the design of the kitchn does not allow for a dishwasher to be installed without a complete remodeling. I have over 50 kitchen cabinets and I am leary to do anything that might cost me some of that space. We have tossed around the idea of a portable dishwasher for a while but they are usually so small that we decided it wasn't really worth it. Then, Natalie saw this one at an estate sale and called us and we rushed right over to get it. It's avacado green--it reminds me of the fridge, washer and dryer that mom replaced several years ago--and it is huge! And it has a butcher block top on it. So, now I am on the hunt to get the adapter needed to connect it to the sink and we are actually going to be among those with all the fancy upgrades and appliances. John's next project is to paint it--we decided that the avacado green was only a novelty and not coming back into style anytime soon so we did pick up some appliance paint as well.

Oh yeah and today, seems like something else is going on today... oh wait--not going on today! Today is the official due date but we have no little munchkin to report on yet. At least the doctor is not going to let me go over more than two weeks--which is great.

Showered and Pampered

Emmy, John and I have now been properly showered and pampered. The festivities got started when Tara, Natalie and Theresa threw me a shower for some of our friends. Of course, everyone went way over board and the hostesses gave us our travel system. The next weekend, TWENTY ONE of your friends threw us a shower in Wynne. Wow. It was so exciting and everyone was so generous but I couldn't help but feel like a little snot when I was sitting there with mounds of gifts around me. It can be so overwhelming to think of so many people caring for you and wanting to help. Then, some friends at work had a shower and then Friday, my office threw a shower there! I think they threw that one in just so they could have an excuse for cake, but what do I know... :)

So, now that we are materially well prepared and ready for her arrival, Emmy is taking her own sweet time. Yesterday I went to the doctor and we are 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. So, we are back to it could be any minute or another two weeks!!! My vote is for Sunday afternoon but John thinks she will be arriving tomorrow night, I think. Oh, I cannot tell you how badly I wish you were here. So selfish of me to wish you were here for me and to help me but I can just imagine you having so much fun right now. I wish you were here to flit around the room and talk about Emmy and show her off when she does get here. I wish you were here so that I could call and ask if this weird sensation in my right side is a contraction (I am thinking it's a no if I have to ask) or just gas. I need you here to tell me to not be a wimp when I am in the pains of labor and to remind of how you did it and so can I.

37 Weeks

I am so ready to have a baby. So ready. As in, I would walk from here to Nashville if I thought it would get her here now. I am swollen and very irritable and I think I slept about 2.5 hours last night. Everyone with children chuckles and says, "oh just wait til that baby gets here then you wish you had 2.5 hours sleep" to which I say, we will deal with that then. Right now, I am growing tired of carrying a bowling ball in my underwear and I am ready for her to arrive.

Day 366

We all made it through the first year. I keep telling myself that this is going to be the worst part and if we can just get through the first year, then everything will fall into place from here on out. So, here we are a year later--we have gone through the first Easter, the first Mother's Day, the first of my birthdays, the first of your birthdays, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas and the first anniversary of your death. And we are all relatively okay. Who would have ever thought that would be so?

I want to tell you all about the baby prep work that all of your friends have done but I can't right now--it is too new and too emotional and too sweet and too touching for me right now. But you have to know that you are very loved and because you are so very loved, our little Emmy is so very spoiled and pampered already.

More,

Nothing, Nada, Zilch

Last night, John and I toured the maternity ward at the hospital. About halfway through, I started crying asking John, "what in the world have we done??" and he first replied with "Tara, please don't cry in front of all these people" followed by "Is this a bad time to remind you that this was your idea?" Yes. This would be a very bad time to tell me that. Then, I realized with sudden force that it's not that they are going to let us take her home, they are going to make us take her home.

Today I went to the doctor and there is nothing going on down there. No dilation, no effacement, nothing.

Hey, did you know we are going to have a baby???

Apparently, this is really going to happen and is not at all a farce or a possibility but a real baby is going to be born -- and I don't know anything about birthing no babies -- and then THEY are going to let her come and live with us -- like, forever. Apparently, THEY have lost THEIR collective minds.

I don't dare say that she is coming early

I am not saying that Emmy is going to come early but I will say that things are not quite what they used to be in me. I think I am having Braxton Hicks contractions but they really aren't painful--just odd sensations. I have taken waddling to a whole new dimension and there is a lot of pressure down there. Honestly, I have a small, very light bruise on the right side of my torso and I am convinced it is from the Tiniest Soccer Star making her presence known from the inside out. Wow. Wow. Wow.

In the photo search...

All my books and magazines say to go ahead and pack my bag for the hospital--just in case! One thing that I really wanted to have with me is a photo of you in case I need it for moral support during the delivery. A year or so ago, I started a project of scanning all of our family photos and saving them to my external hard drive to eventually go on to CDs. So, in the search for the perfect motivational photo of you to take with me, I found these to make me giggle...





















Of course, I have the hooded bath towel in Emmy's little closet at home and I can hardly wait to get her here and take her picture wearing it. She has no idea what is in store for her upon her arrival!

The Morning After

It really is like a bad hangover. The trend for me this year of all new firsts has been to do really well on the holiday itself but then crash on the following day. I am not sure if it is because I have to go back to work and that in and of itself is reason to be in the dumps and it just brings it all out of if it just that there is only so much denial and pushing down of feelings that I can do. I can flitter around on Christmas Day and be oh so excited but once I get home and then reality of it sets in the following morning, it is enough to send you over the edge. Next year will be different. Next year we will have gotten through the firsts of everything. The biggest milestone we have left to face is the first anniversary of your death. Thankfully we are going to be really busy--my baby shower!!!!--and then I will have that Monday off to regroup.

Merry Christmas and Happy 34 Weeks

I enlisted John to join me in my 34 week photo since he is off work for 11 days over the holidays--what else does he have to do? I had him sit on the arm of the couch but realized that he might not want his ever growing wife to sit on his lap so instead it looks like he just likes being boob level.

The other day a friend was over and made the comment, "oh well you are pregnant" to which I told him that there was not a breath I took that I didn't remember I was pregnant. This has turned into our little phrase now with John reminding me I am pregnant or asking if I knew I was. Today his family came over for Christmas dinner and after they left and we are piled up on the couch wearing our Christmas PJ's, I told him I wasn't sure I would have made it this Christmas if I didn't have Emmy on her way. A good friend lost her mom a couple of months ago and I feel guilty that I don't seem to be in as much pain as she is right now. I hope you know that I miss you as much as anyone could ever miss anyone. I just can't be too sad right now. If I start crying now and thinking of how you should be here this Christmas--talking with all of us of how NEXT Christmas is going to be so different--then I might never stop crying. What then? What do I do at 8 months pregnant if I can't stop crying? So yes, I want you here--I would give anything for it--but I am just so thankful for all we do have this Christmas and for what we are going to have next Christmas. I wish you were here to see it but I know you are watching over it all now and just as excited for us as we are... More,

December 6th

Neall and I got up early to head to Little Rock but missed the neurosurgeon by minutes. Daddy told us that the tumor was such that it could not all be removed surgically. Neall and I went to get cokes at a nearby service station and I literally thought I might faint walking into the store. After we got back to the hospital, Neall and Daddy went to get some breakfast for us all at the cafeteria. You were so confused and kept saying that you didn't want to have any treatment--please just take you home. You also kept saying you didn't want to die at Christmas--we would always hate the holidays after that. Always thinking of us, you were.

One of my fondest, most precious memories of my life was that morning. You were so terrified and crying so I finally just got into the hospital bed with you and held you. It was the most horrifying moment of my life and so very touching at the same time. For the next several hours, all four of our cell phones rang as friends heard what was going on and called to tell us to call them if they could help in any way. We started calling people that needed to hear the news from us and not through the grapevine. It was heart wrenching. Finally, at 6 the doctor came back, told us the tumor was the size of an orange and if we didn't have surgery you would die in 3 months. We agreed to come back on Friday morning for surgery, I had the doctor write down the name of the tumor so that I would remember it and now glioblastoma multiforme astrocytoma is forever in my vocabulary and we lost you 40 days later.

December 5th

It was exactly one year ago that it all went so very bizarre for us. You had been acting weird and Neall had finally convinced the neurologist that you needed to be seen quickly. Daddy and you had gone to the Hogs game on the Friday night before and I was terrified he would lose you there. Pat and Paul met you in Branson, which was good since your car kept messing up. Here you are in a brand new car and it won't start several times. Of course, that was my fault becuase the talking air gauge that I got Daddy one year for Christmas had fallen out of the back of the glove box and knocked a wire loose.

Your appointment was that morning and I was so scared waiting on the call. Finally Daddy called and said that you were okay. It was a nervous breakdown. I had had no idea that you really were so worried with so much going on in our lives. I thought for sure being retired had given you a new sense of calmness and that you were at the happiest point ever. The doctor felt like you would be just fine once all the Zoloft got out of your system and you got some rest. Then he called back. The two of you were at the Honda dealership and the doctor's office called and said to come back. Something was very wrong--there was something on the CT scan. Daddy asked what it could be and the doctor said, well it might be a tumor. What a liar. He knew damn well it was a tumor and that you would not be alive in another six months. So Daddy told the serviceman he needed a car RIGHT NOW and got you into a rental Civic and headed back to the hospital. Of course you were terrified. Daddy called and told me that they found something--not sure what it was. I ran into my boss's office, told him I had to go and I didn't know when I would be back and took off. I called Tara, who as usual, took charge and called everyone else, and I took off to Wynne. Daddy asked me to stay there and wait to come to Little Rock to the hospital until the next morning.

My sister in law told me it was a brain tumor. I remember saying a little thank you to God that it was not Alzheimer's. The most hideous shirt was hanging on the closet doorknob in the hallway and we joked about how one day we would all laugh at you buying that shirt "back when you had the tumor". I never, ever dreamed you would never wear that ugly shirt or that it would hang in my closet now with all of your other clothes that you will never wear again.

Lunch Dates

Luke is quite the lunch companion. We went yesterday and had such fun that we decided to go again today and take Griffin and Janey (well Tara and Theresa got to go too).

Letter to My Little One

Dear Emmy,

I love you to pieces already and you are not even here. However, we are going to have to discuss you changing positions. Currently, you have a foot in my liver and I think you might be chewing on the nerve that goes to my right arm. As much as Daddy enjoyed helping me get dressed this morning, it’s going to get old quickly if I can’t use my right hand until you arrive. I am learning to write left-handed, which is going to make people think that you have a mother that drinks heavily, and using a mouse left-handed is only making my work that much slower. Already I can tell you are just like Daddy since I am already begging you to please, please, please scoot over. Regardless, I love you dearly and can’t wait to meet you.

Love, Mama

Happy Birthday

Yesterday you would have been 61. It is amazing how young that sounds. I celebrated your birthday by getting carpet installed. I figured I would not be good for much at work anyway so I just had them do it then. Besides, spending lots of money helps keep my mind off of things. Miss you and love you,

A funk

Sunday morning at 3am, Aunt Ruby called me—just to chat! She was obviously very confused and said she couldn’t find Uncle Warren (he died 7 years ago) but wanted me to know that she had moved to Memphis and to come and visit her (I have been to her apartment several times). Later on, I found out that she had the telephone operator call Daddy at 3am trying to reach Teri Jackson. Daddy told the operator that you were gone and that he would call her son in the morning. I stayed up the rest of the night just thinking about how “lucky” we are that you didn’t end up with Alzheimer’s. I know that was your biggest fear so I am so thankful that if you had to leave us, it was something quick and you didn’t suffer for years and years like she is. But then I get angry and sad all over again. This week has turned into pretty much a bust for me now. We are taking flowers to the cemetery on Saturday for your birthday so I called Monday and ordered those. I guess it all just has you on my mind even more than usual and I am just really down in a funk right now. I am trying to do all these things to get ready for Emmy and it is just not fair that I have to do them alone. So many people have been so thoughtful and want to help and I am so grateful. But it is very difficult to discuss mucus and boobs with anyone but your mom, More...

The Similarity is Uncanny

Lucas Anthony Salinas

He's here! And he's perfect! After a long Monday afternoon, evening and night, Luke arrived about 1:07 Tuesday morning. He weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz and was 20.5 inches long. Mom and baby are doing great.

Here we sit and wait...

We are all eagerly awaiting Luke Salinas's arrival and it seems to be all any of us can talk about these days. I absolutley just adore John lately and I can't be sure if it is because of Emmy Ruth's expectant arrival or if it is because he is enjoying football with me this year.

Aerobics or Gas?

Either little Emmy has made her kicking debut or I have a very odd tummy rumbling. I am afraid to say for sure that it is actually her moving around since it is nothing like I expected it to feel like (like I had a clue as to what to expect!) but something strange is going on in there!

The Ever Increasing Belly

I have been so busy that I have had little time to sit down, much less write much. Little Emmy's room is just about finished and ready for her arrival. Until February, it just serves as a place for me to go and sit and think "oh my gosh, what have we gotten ourselves in to???" I sit in the rocker and stare at all the little trinkets that were mine when I was little and now she will get to play with them. There is a wooden heart that momma gave me one year, probably in my Christmas stocking, that says "Daughters are forever and I am so glad that you are mine". It's going right on her door.

Tara is edging closer and and closer to popping. If I didn't know better, I would think that Luke must be three feet tall already and jsut scrunched up in there waiting to come out!!

Pictures to come next week, I wish you were here to see all of this, More...

Ultrasound

4 chambers of the heart
10 fingers--10 toes
2 kidneys
1 bladder
perfect little spine
no testicles--all girl!

The Power of Pigs

My dear friend Natalie got me tickets to see the Hogs play in Fayetteville Saturday for my birthday. John was going to go—his first Hogs game!—but then at the last minute, John had to work and Daddy went with me. It was really a great time. On the way to Wynne from Memphis, at 630am!!!!, I got pulled over in Earle—as everyone has at least once it seems. When the police officer came up to the car, I told him I was going to see the Hogs play and I was just really excited. He told me if I could show him a ticket for the game, I could go and he really did! I was so shocked! I told Daddy about it and he retorted, “yeah, that’s something your mama would have been able to get by with too”.

Ian Update

After a week at St. Jude's, Ginger and Greg found out late during the week that Ian's tumor is benign and he is going to be just fine!!! They are not even going to remove it and let it shrink on its own. Such fabulous news!

Week 17

We get to find out in 12 days if we are having a boy or a girl. I am giddy with excitement--John seems to be as well, but that might be that he is giddy to get me to quit asking him whether he wants a boy or a girl. Here is Week 17's photo. Wild, wild, wild. It's all so strange! Last night, I recited multiplication tables for B2 and John suggested tonight we go over state capitals with him/her. Of course, this weekend we will be learning about football. What a brilliant baby this will be!

Frumpy is as Frumpy does

The only thing that looks frumpier than a linen shirt by the afternoon is a linen maternity shirt.

#4

Ginger called and Ian's chest CT came back that there has been no spreading of his tumor!!!!

Good day...

1. I got back B2’s triple screen test results and all is great. Now we can carry on in our regularly scheduled pre-baby excitement.

2. I got roses. And the card only said “I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe that I deserved my friends”. So, that ruled out John, that and I didn’t pay for them from our account. I finally discovered they are from someone who works for our data processing company that I had a very, very minor tiff with earlier in the week. We spend a good deal of our working day discussing the crucial things like college football so we have grown quite fond of each other. I am sure he is only trying to keep me on his good side so that I will cheer for his Ohio State Buckeyes with football season quickly approaching, but it was very, very sweet.

3. I got the best compliment from a 7 year old. My friend Gabby had to fill out this sheet for her homework the other day and one of the questions was “if you could have a teacher for the year, who would it be?” and she answered “Mrs. Tara”! Awww!!! I asked Rebecca if she was sure she didn’t know another Tara and she doesn’t, so it must be me!

Scared shitless...

Ian Gregory Smith--the adorable son of my friend Ginger--is up for a fight. Please keep him and his family in your prayers. Saturday afternoon his mom found a knot on the back of his thigh. They went to the doctor yesterday afternoon just to get it checked out and found out this afternoon that he has cancer. Tomorrow they will go to St. Jude's for the first time. Please keep them in your prayers.

I want my mom

It hits me at the most random times. Not at all when you would think. For example, I did really good on Mother's Day but then seeing a grandma with her kids at Wal-Mart can send me over the edge. This started it yesterday: The finger spacer at Knowledge Tree. I went there to pick up something for a friend's daughter for the first day of school and saw this at the checkout counter. You always told the story about my "rivers" whenever you saw Mrs. Rose, my first grade teacher. Neall slammed my finger in the door and locked it when I was in first grade--my first and only stitiches. I had this big bandage on my finger and I couldn't curl it down to use my index finger for making my rivers when writing. I cried and cried in fear that I would never go to second grade for not being to make my rivers. So, I saw this at Knowledge Tree and couldn't stop thinking of you. It's just little things like this that make it all so hard. The life part of everyday makes it hard.

And selfish. The most selfish parts of it are what makes it all so sad. I feel like a chunk of my childhood died with you. Who knows how old I was when I took my first steps? You did. I remember that I was talking around nine months and potty-trained before two years, but I only knew that for bragging purposes so how do I know when my child is on track or behind? All the little details of my childhood are forgotten now. Men don't remember these things, women do and well, I was just a little too young to remember them at the time. Speaking of selfish, who is going to be with me when I have this baby? And when I come home? It was supposed to be you. And John's mom.

Yesterday, I got home from my shopping excursion about noon and talked to John for a bit and went to laydown and take a nap. I didn't mean to but I couldn't help but start thinking as I was laying there, I started thinking and just lost it. I didn't realize he could hear me but John came in there to see if I was okay and what he could do. All I could tell him was that "I miss my mom". He's so helpless. I hate doing this to him, he's been through it, he knows how hard it is to be without your mom, it is not right to be thirty years old and not have a momma in this world but he also knows that it is different with men and women and he doesn't know what to say. So, we went and got fried chicken--what can that not fix? So the rest of the afternoon was spent with me being exhausted from my emotional breakdown and John in the midst of spinning all of his own thoughts and grief around in his mind--I hate doing this to him.

A friend lost her dad this summer and then only 2 1/2 months later, lost her mom. I felt so lost and didn't know what to say to her. For the first time, I think I understood what my friends went through when it all happened to me. I know that I can call anyone to talk but how awkward and odd would it feel to just call a friend up: "Hey, what are you doing?", "Nothing, what about you?", "Oh just sittin' here thinking about how my mom died, wanna talk about it?". There is a thin line between talking about grief and whining about what you have lost and no one wants to be the wrong side of that line.

Who would have thought that most important lesson you would try to teach me would be you simply not being here?

Time Management is Overrated

I went to Wal-Mart at lunch to return some sheets and get some light shopping done. For weeks I have said that I needed to get my eyebrows waxed or I would not be able to see much longer. In an effort to better manage my time, I went ahead and got them waxed at the hair salon at Wal-Mart. I think I may have overdone it this time since now my fair, fair skin is red and blotchy and I think that wax might have been heating for a week straight.

Happy Birthday Janey!

Yesterday was Janey's 2nd birthday party. It was great fun and I must admit my first doll cake was a success! (She had a small incident with a coffee table two days before her party that gave her the black eyes!)

Internet drama at home...

Horror of horrors, my wireless internet connection at home was down last night. Normally I would have tinkered with it then but seeing as it would have involved me staying awake past 8pm and getting up off the couch, I passed on it. So my planned posting was delayed a day…
Yesterday was the first birthday we have had without you here. What a strange thing it was. Since we all have birthdays within a month of each other, we always celebrated them together. We only celebrated Neall’s this weekend—we figured we could go ahead and spread them out, why not? Grandma Jackson got to come down and finally see Neall and Becca’s new house—with her dining room table in place, of course!! It was so strange being there without you flitting around being so silly and singing. You would be so proud of him now. He’s so grown up! We always giggled at Daddy when he got his “phone voice” at home. When someone from work called, he turned about two octaves lower and answered “this is Richard Jackson”. I half expected Neall to do the same when one of his patients called while he was opening presents. Somewhere along the way, this little kid with a flat top turned into such a grown-up and I can’t wait to see what a great uncle he is going to be.

TGIF

I would love to say that the entire week has been spent with me being so incredibly busy that I simply had no time for anything else, but that would only be a lie. I have done nothing. But sleep. I sleep a lot. The routine this week was to go home and take a catnap—about two hours—and then get up when John brought me dinner. I would stay up for a short while and then go back to sleep about 9. Seriously—not only is this baby sucking my energy but also my common sense that it is normal for anyone to sleep this much. I told John that when the baby comes and I never get to sleep again, I am going to be so out of sorts since my routine is simply shot now.

A friend’s brother got married last Friday night so I hurried to Wynne after work. Anytime before, you would have gone with me. Showers? Weddings? Birthday parties? Of course I will be there—my standby date is waiting in Wynne. She will even pick up the gift for me at Caldwell’s or Rose of Sharon before I get there. It dawned on me about Wednesday that I had no one to go with to this wedding and going alone was just not going to work. John Burton would have cut off the tip of his finger before he went to a wedding! Luckily, Neall and Becca were going so I tagged along with them. She even picked up my gift for me! Even though things here aren’t going exactly as they should be and things are not right at all and may never be right ever again, I am pretty lucky to have the family that I do have.

How stupid am I that it took so long to realize it? More,

Sunflower

My sunflowers are blooming! They are really blooming!! My yard gets so very much sun that I really can't grow much without it wilting. I even lost some Gerber daisies because of the sun but the sunflowers are doing great. In college, I loved sunflowers and had my kitchen decked out in them. Daddy grew sunflowers for me that summer and you took a photo and framed it of them for me and gave it to me for my birthday. {I hope I am half as good as you were about getting the best and most special thing for every occasion.} I will have to frame this one to go with that photo to keep around. My first homegrown sunflower! How exciting!

Meaningless Reporting...

I would love to tell you all the fabulous things going on right now but as of now, there are none. You see, it is really hard to get fabulous things done when you are going to sleep between 730 and 800 each night. Last night, John told me that he hadn't been to bed at 8 since he was six and it really meant a lot to him to stay up until dark. Wow. How sad is that??

We had a relatively calm weekend. Daddy, Neall and Becca came up to visit on Saturday. We went to lunch and then looked at mattresses. Yet again, how exciting am I? I can't believe more folks don't visit even more often!!!!!!!!!

More,

Monday all over again...

John was off all last week on vacation. I must say that it would be a fabulous and wonderful thing to have him home all the time. There was no whining as he got ready for work, I came home to meals ready to eat and he did all the housework. Literally!!! I have felt oh so very bad lately and every night after I went to bed at 730 or 800, he would come in to check on me and bring me something to drink and snack on while I mentally focused on making the room stop spinning. He was in a fabulous mood as well (maybe because I was going to bed at 730 or 800 and he had the house to himself again?) so everything was just peachy. Yesterday, he realized he had to go back to work today but he did a good job of keeping his new composure going for a while longer.

Daddy and I went to visit Grandma on Saturday--she looked better than she has in years, I think. It was good to see her so well colored and smiling. You always said how she would just stare at me and say how precious I was. Ah... no wonder I am so fond of her. So Saturday, she would just look at me and grin, "so you are really pregnant??" Yep. If I had found Saturday what I found this morning, I could have shown her and she'd have known for sure. There is certainly something there today! Today the little bugger decided to make his/her presence known. It's not big and you can't see it, but you can feel the firm little something in my tummy. After I discovered it, I just sat down and cried. I am crying now just thinking of it--of course I keep having to touch it. You always said Neall was going to be flat on one side from you holding me the entire time you were pregnant with him--this one is going to be flat on one side from me touching my belly all day to make sure that the bump is still really there!!! Oh so happy!!! More,

Nine Weeks...

Yesterday I had my nine weeks doctor appointment and Doc said that everything was going good. Next time we get to hear the heartbeat!!

Final Report on the Trip

When we were younger, we went to Gulf Shores fairly often. I told my group about the twins from Georgia that I pen-palled with after each vacation since we were always there at the same time and I wondered if they would be here this year. I didn’t see them. :)

On Sunday afternoon, Tara and I drove back to Foley to the outlet mall. On the way home, of course, we talked about you some, because there will never be a better power shopper than you! She asked if I wanted to drive out to the house that you and Daddy stayed in last January but I didn’t think I could do it. Just being there and thinking of how you loved the water and the beach was enough to keep you on my mind but to go out there where there were so many fabulous memories of not just you and Daddy but of you and the girls would have just been too much.

Monday was a day of beach bumming. I walked over to Sea-n-Suds to get us lunch. It always makes me giggle to think of me just not “getting” what the suds were! I had a t-shirt from there and never understood why you wouldn’t let me where it to Sunday night youth group at the Wynne Baptist Church. I have always been a little slow on the take, I suppose. That night there was a fireworks display in Orange Beach so I was up late (past my usual 9pm bedtime these days!) watching that. There are always two stories that I tell when fireworks are near. The first one is the in July of 1978 and Wynne used to do the fireworks downtown. Uncle Elliot actually did them, I think, since he was the fire chief. You were pregnant with Neall and Daddy was holding me. The noise scared me, I have always been a wimpy kid, and I pounded on Daddy’s chest, “get me home! get me home!” Now, this is my mantra when I am ready to leave any where. The other story is when you and Daddy had just bought the Nissan Maxima. It was the one that talked and would say “the door is ajar” when it wasn’t shut. Neall and I would just laugh and laugh, “No, it’s not! It’s a door, not a jar!” So, as we were shooting Roman candles off the front porch, one went astray and started landing on your new car! Daddy, frantic at the thought of damage to his new car, ran over and lay across the hood so that it wouldn’t be harmed.

All in all, the trip was a wonderful, memory filled trip and I wish you were here for me to call and tell you all about it, More,

Point us towards the water...

We left last night heading to Gulf Shores and arrived sometime after 3 this afternoon. The traffic was horrible today so we were pretty much stop and go the whole way from Hattiesburg. But arriving was so worth it!!! We did go for a quick visit to the beach to remind us the drive was worth it and it totally was. Here are a few pictures and this entire place makes me think of you. You should be here with daddy this summer and getting ready for another month long visit down here with your girlfriends. Love and miss you more,


Here are John and Jorge drinking fruity drinks in our honor since we can't...

Today's a Day

With only five days left (but who is counting?) until we leave on our vacation, I am trying to get things somewhat in order around the house. It seems my new schedule is not working with me however. I had promised to do a desk for a friend to give as a birthday gift and here we are, tomorrow the birthday party, and I am realizing that I forgot to paint the inside of the desk. So before church this morning, I am on the front porch painting (well ventilated--outside--and with my little mask of course!). This is the schedule of my life these days, doing insane little chores in about fifteen minutes of spare time so that I can get to bed at 8pm. What is that????

I finally got in touch with your brother yesterday. I have been quite worried about him the past few weeks since I couldn't get in touch with him at all. When he called to tell me he had moved, I let his son know and since then, they have been inseperable. Good things continue to surprise me these days.

Wish you were here to see it--you would love it as well, More,

Best Dad Ever

So the best dad ever probably had the strangest Father's Day ever this year--he's never been a father without you here. Neall's inlaws were kind enough to invite us over to spend the day with their family so it was nice. We had a good time and then got back to Neall and Becca's in plenty of time for Daddy to give gardening advice to them. Their yard is huge and their garden has taken off wonderfully. The idea of Neall growing eggplant--much less eating eggplant--is quite comical. I brought some flowers from my flower beds out to you yesterday, in a little Razorback plastic cup, no less, so that you would know we all thought of you and wished you were with us. When I got home, the Father's Day card I had sent Daddy was on the kitchen table so I had to remind him that these always were to be stood up on the piano, which made him smile, ah, yes... they do...

Week 6

This baby is a brain snatcher. That’s all I can make it out to be at this point. First, I shredded Daddy’s debit card. I had all kinds of bills on my desk and I got up to shred them after I paid them and I wondered why in the world that shredder was going so slow and being so loud—ah… because it has plastic in it, that’s why. Last week at the Kroger, I got a meat and veggie plate to have for lunch after I finished my grocery shopping. I asked the guy for extra gravy on my potatoes since I was pregnant and he happily agreed. So, I do think this is going to have its perks. However, the day after I was at Kroger, I found a bag of groceries that I had missed in the back of my Jeep—three frozen pizzas, a 32 oz bag of shredded cheese and two boxes of Hot Pockets.

So far, so good. I am over the exhausted phase, I hope. For two weeks I was so tired that I went home at lunch and took a nap. I am not so tired now, but still a little sleepy. That could have to do with the bi-hourly eatings I am doing. As long as I am eating, I don’t get as sick, so I just continue to shove food in my mouth. I have never in my entire life been so very happy to be tired and pukey with sore boobs though. My neighbor stopped me the other day to ask me what was going on because I looked so happy. Another one who knows we are pregnant came over to tell me I was in fact glowing. I just go and sit in what will be the nursery and stare. I honestly just can’t believe it. What is going to be the baby’s closet had a few things in it, so I cleaned it out this weekend and moved it all into the closet in my office. At the top of the closet was a bag of little boy clothes, three Razorback outfits included, that I can’t remember where it came from. I think you must have bought them at a yard sale and I just stuffed them up there. I can only imagine how excited you would be right now with all this going on around you. But you are here and in every piece of that room and our whole lives. All the little clothes of mine when I was a little girl are still in the bags you brought them over in, ready to be put to good use, for photos of course. I can hear you now saying to just take the picture and get her out of it—don’t let her run around playing in those outfits and ruin them. I won’t. Every one of them is one I remember seeing a photo of me wearing. Your YaYa wooden letter sign is proudly ready in the nursery for him to look up to while he is trying to get some sleep. Who would have thought that one little 2mm baby would have made me feel like everything is right in the world for the first time in six months?

Long time, no blog...

I am not saying to whom these belong, but I will say that somewhere, Two Tara’s have both added Johnny Jump Up’s to their Christmas Wish Lists.

Bath-Time

It was way past time for the outside puppies bi-annual bath but I am not sure we are getting the desired effect here as each of them ran straight to the dirt area by their toy box and rolled eagerly. Both then headed straight to their pool and got it filthy.

Anna before... Luke before...
Luke after...

Anna after...